Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 50
Ohhhh! It’s almost Halloween! And you know what that means? Well, it means A LOT OF THINGS, but chief among them, for me, at least, is that the Midnight Pals audio podcast is getting closer to premiering! This week, we have another teaser, this one with Arthur Conan Doyle. Enjoy!
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Now here’s some Midnight Pals!
Guillermo del Toro: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of frankenstein
del Toro: but this time
del Toro: there's a little twist
del Toro: the twist is that frankenstein is hot
del Toro: see, what if it starred Andrew Garfield and Oscar Isaac?
Mary Shelley: which one is frankenstein?
del Toro: doesn't matter, they're both pretty fuckable
Shelley:
Shelley: yeah that's right
Bram Stoker: are we back on this fuckable frankenstein kick? this is just awful
Stoker: you're destroying the essence of the story!
Stoker: frankenstein can't be hot
Stoker: he's SUPPOSED to represent the hubris of man's folly!
Mary Shelley: shut the fuck up bram
del Toro: and we're getting mia goth to be in it too
Bram Stoker: and who's she playing?
del Toro:
del Toro: uhhhh
del Toro: igor?
Mary Shelley: igor's not in the fuckin book
Stephen King: are you sure about that, mary? i mean i've seen frankenstein and i'm pretty sure there was an igor
Shelley: that was the MOVIE steve
Shelley: and also igor wasn't in that either!!
Shelley: jesus christ you guys
King: whoa whoa whoa mary
King: are you saying that igor wasn't in the frankenstein book OR the frankenstein movie?
Shelley: that's right
King: well then
King: where's he from?
Barker: that's some real mandela effect shit
Shelley: NO IT'S NOT
King: ok but where's igor from then?
Shelley: how the hell should i know? probably from one of those fuckin idk flintstones meets frankenstein shit specials or something
King: c'mon mary that's just silly
King: also it would be frankenSTONE
Shelley: what
Shelley: fine! put an igor in! I don't fuckin care
Shelley: do whatever you fuckin want with your fuckin femme igor that
Shelley: femme igor
Shelley: wait
Shelley: wait a second actually this idea slaps
del Toro: anyway back to my
del Toro: [waggles eyebrows] cabinet of curiosities!
del Toro: watch, i'm going to introduce every episode the cabinet of curiosities with a pithy philosophical monologue
del Toro: like if i was the giant flying liquid metal skull at the beginning of skeleton warriors
Barker: pft you can try man but you're no tony jay
del Toro: light
del Toro: dark
del Toro: the two sides of the same coin battling for the hearts of mens souls
del Toro: but what of those in the middle?
del Toro: which way del Toro: will they turn?
[dramatic pause]
King: just gives ya chills doesn't it?
Barker: not really
***
Stephen King: hey did you hear that thomas wrote an x files episode?
Barker: what? which one?
King: oh i think
King: i think it was called
King: 'thomas ligotti is from outer space' or something
Barker:
Barker: yeah i don't think it was called that
King: i heard you wrote an x files episode
Thomas Ligotti: hm
King: you know, i once wrote an x files episode myself
Ligotti: hm
King: it was about an evil doll
Ligotti: did the evil doll represent the existential void of an indifferent universe
King:
King: uh no
King: it was the regular kind
Ligotti: they never actually made my episode
Ligotti: they said it was too depressing
Barker: damn! whoa!
Barker: you? depressing?
Barker: get outta town!
Poe: clive
Barker: i'm just as shocked as you are!
Barker: so thomas this depressing x-files thing you did
Ligotti: hm
Barker: did it have mannequins
Poe: clive
Ligotti: yes
Barker: whoa! really defying stereotypes today huh tom?
Barker: wait wait
Barker: i'm on a role
Barker: i'm about to use my AWESOME PSYCHIC POWERS to make another prediction
Barker: was there a ventriloquist dummy in it?
Ligotti: yes
Barker: whoa! 2 for 2!
Koontz: are you really psychic?
Poe: no dean
Barker: yes dean
Barker: yes i am
Barker: damn thomas i am totally SHOCKED that you'd write about ventriloquist dummies
Barker: i am just so COMPLETELY SURPRISED because that's
Barker: like
Barker: SO out of character for you
Jon Padgett: s-shut up
Padgett: leave him alone
Padgett: just shut up!
Ligotti: a ventriloquist dummy is a cosmic doppelganger, real and yet not real, a mocking caricature of the spark of life, a reminder of the cruel joke the universe played on mankind that is sentience
RL Stine: yeah and also
Stine: what if one had a knife?
Ligotti: so mulder and scully face the truth that we are all just in a cosmically indifferent universe, specks upon the tides of fate, subject to unknowable forces beyond human ken that our blinkered minds cannot ever hope to fathom
Ligotti: the truth is NOT out there
***
RA Busby: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the corporate body
Busby: so this guy volunteers for a drug study
Busby: run by a not-at-all shady corporation
Busby: called drugco
Busby: that's just a placeholder name, i'll probably go back and change it
Busby: this guy needs money
Busby: cuz time are tough, you know
Busby: with the economy
Busby: and covid
Busby: that modern millenial experience
Busby: you kids know
Busby: so they try a new experimental surgery on him
Busby: The first phase is hallucinogenic
Busby: the second phase is glandular
Busby: and the third phase is
Busby: BODY MELT!!
Busby: so they put a big gooey thing inside him
Busby: using a giant ovipositor
Busby: you know, just shoving it up in there
Busby: right in there
Busby: good and deep
Clive Barker: yes yes good
Busby: now he's got these big gross bubules growing all over him
Barker: haha gross haha
Busby: yeah they're pretty gross haha
Busby: they're like
Busby: like joyce carol oates' foot gross
Busby: man have you ever thought about being pregnant
Busby: it's pretty fucked up
Busby: first, you gotta have this thing inside you right?
Busby: and then
Busby: what if the baby is weird?
Poe: what do you mean "weird?"
Busby: you know, like weird
Busby: like what if the baby has bad vibes
Busby: or it could be like a monster
Busby: could be a worm
Busby: so now this guy is pregnant with worms
Busby: you ever think about being pregnant
Busby: with worms?
Eric LaRocca: oh yeah yeah all the time
LaRocca: check it out, here's a photo of my worm baby
Busby: he's lovely
Busby: he has your clitellum
LaRocca: yeah we have a little playgroup
LaRocca: you know, me and the other worm dads
David Cronenberg: its good for our worm babies to get enrichment
Barker: i would die for my worm baby
Barker: i would kill for my worm baby
Poe: oh yeah that whole worm baby thing
Poe: i forgot that was a running gag for a while
Poe: great time to bring it back
Poe: people will definitely remember
Barker: well we already brought back joyce carol oates' foot so