Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 38
heeeey its da midnight pals! Enjoy!
***
Stephen King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyyyy stephano king!
Musk: you still no paya $8 for X?
King: no elon i'm
King: wait
King: $8 for what?
Musk: eyyyyy iss x now!
Musk: cuz x itta do everything!
Musk: it da everything app!
King: what do you mean it'll "do everything?"
Musk: eyyyy you know
Musk: it do
Musk: it do
Musk: it do-a alla da things capiche???
Musk: now you alla post onna da x capiche?
King:
Musk:
King:
Musk: [grappling with King] gimmie da $8!
King: [struggling] no! never! i'm never paying for twitter!
Musk: [struggling] itsa notta twitter! IT'SA X!!!
King: criminy elon why are you so obsessed with the letter x?
Musk: eyyyy itta all start 24 years ago
Musk: 24 years ago dissa very night
Musk: in desa very woods...
[24 years ago]
Young Musk: eyyyy i maka da X dot com! I no paya da taxes! eyyy!!
Peter Thiel: [rising from coffin like count orlock] once again, elon, there is nothing you can possess which i cannot take away
Young Musk: mama mia!!
***
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow: By the shores of Gitche Gumee
Longfellow: By the shining Big-Sea-Water
Longfellow: stood the mighty Hiawatha
Longfellow: in a coat he made from otter
King: wow, just wow
Barker: incredible stuff!
Koontz: gosh! so cool!
Lovecraft: really gets you right here, don't it?
Poe:
Poe: [muttering] he's not that good
Poe: ugh, longfellow's poems are maudlin tripe
Poe: you guys actually LIKE this stuff?
King: it just makes you feel nice inside, edgar
Poe:
King: ya know all warm and squishy
Poe:
King: like you just ate a big pile of water balloons
Poe: yes stephen i am familiar with the sensation
Poe: i'm gonna call this charlatan out
King: oh edgar, don't
King: dean really likes his poems
Poe: dean is hardly the barometer of good taste, steve
King: oh no edgar
King: you don't mean that
Poe: i'm sorry i just
Poe: they're not good poems!
King: they're very popular poems, edgar
Poe: popularity does not mean quality, steve!!!
Poe: longfellow writes pap for the lowest common denominator!
Poe: oooo i HATE that longfellow!!
Poe: i hate him and his trust fund!!
Poe: [typing] call out post for henry wadsworth longfellow
Poe: [typing] his poetry is maudlin tripe, fit only for children
Poe: [typing] his work is complete squeecore
Barker: damn, edgar, i never thought I'd say this
Barker: but you got the soul of a true poster!
Barker: honestly i figured howard was the only true poster among us
Lovecraft: [typing on phone] DEBATE ME, FRED JACKSON YOU COWARD!!!
King: did longfellow reply to your callout, edgar?
Poe: no!! he hasn't said anything!
Poe: he's just ignoring it!
Poe: he's ignoring the discourse!
Barker: damn wow
Barker: what a power move!
Poe: what the
Poe: ooo! that longfellow! always two steps ahead!
King: just let it go edgar
Barker: haha don't tell him what to let go steve
King:
King: oh i guess i need to say it this time
King: clive
Poe: i've got one last trick up my sleeve
Poe: something that no writer can resist replying to!
King: no edgar you can't mean
Poe: yes!
Poe: i'm going to write a one star goodreads review
Longfellow: [singing and playing electronic keyboard] To stop that discourse, one-two-three
Longfellow: Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free
Longfellow: It's got henry longfellow's guarantee ... [winks]
Longfellow: Just don't look! Just don't look!
***
King: hey edgar how's it going?
King: you still fighting your little longfellow war?
Poe: i will fight it as long as i have to, steve
Poe: the world must know that longfellow is a maudlin hack
Poe: and waif sucks ass
Samantha Kolesnik:
Poe: no no i mean longfellow's waif
Poe: my next editorial will deliver the killing blow
Poe: that wealthy & triumphant gentleman of elegant leisure! ooo he burns me up!
Koontz: edgar! i have an idea for your next editorial!
Poe: thanks dean but i don't really need
Koontz: "longfellow? more like wrong smello!"
Poe:
Koontz: get it? "wrong smello"
Poe: yes dean i get it
Koontz: can you use that?
Poe: i
Poe:
Poe: well
Barker: ha ha yeah edgar CAN YOU?
Poe: clive
Barker: you should definitely use that
King: actually it is pretty funny
Poe: don't you start too now steve
Poe: look i don't need help in my little longfellow war
Poe: i am perfectly capable of owning longfellow on my own
Barker: oh yeah how you gonna do that?
Poe: simple
Poe: with facts and logic
Poe: by the end you might say that longfellow will be
Poe: hoisted by his own petard
Barker: oh my god edgar you're so bad at this
Barker: don't you know the first thing about starting a flame war?
Poe: what are you talking about, i'm holding my own
Barker: ok so first you need to make some sock puppet
King: he's got outis
Barker: oh right he does have outis
Poe: that's not me
Barker: right right
Barker: the guy who's been prolonging your little fight for you
Poe: that's not me
Barker:
Barker: uh huh
Poe: you can't prove anything
Barker: right
Poe: this guy, outis, that i've been arguing with is clearly a longfellow superfan
Poe: look at the shit he posts
Poe: "longfellow is great! i love longfellow because i am very stupid and have no taste dur duh"
Barker: great work, edgar
Poe: that's not me!!
Barker: real subtle
***
Lovecraft: s-so my editor at weird tales wants me to ghost write a story
Lovecraft: for harry houdini
King: harry houdini? the famous escape artist?
King: wow, howard, what an opportunity!
Lovecraft: i guess
King: whats the matter howard
Lovecraft: i just
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: what kind of name is houdini
Harry Houdini: pick a card! pick any card!
Lovecraft: ok
Houdini: is it
Houdini: the ace of spades??????
Lovecraft: wow! what the
Lovecraft: it is!
Lovecraft: that's incredible!
Lovecraft: they should call you "harry how'd he do that"
Lovecraft: cuz people are gonna be wondering "how'd he do that"
Houdini: "harry how'd he do that"
Houdini: hmm that's good
Houdini: damnit i should have thought of that
Lovecraft: ya know harry
Lovecraft: you're alright
Lovecraft: for an italian
Houdini: oh houdini's just a stage name
Lovecraft: oh good!
Houdini: my real name is weisz
Lovecraft:
Houdini: so there i was
Houdini: trapped in the bowels of the pyramid
Houdini: mummies to the left of me
Houdini: mummies to the right of me
Houdini: and that's when
Houdini: i started to get mad
Houdini: and that's the story of my egyptian vacation
Lovecraft: wait a minute
Lovecraft: did any of that really happen?
Houdini: no, not really
Lovecraft:
Lovecraft: do you take constructive criticism?
Lovecraft: what if
Lovecraft: instead of mummies
Lovecraft: you met some eldritch abominations?
Houdini: but still in the pyramid, right?
Lovecraft: oh yeah yeah the pyramid is great
Lovecraft: people love a good pyramid
Houdini: so there i was
Houdini: trapped in the bowels of the pyramid
Houdini: eldritch horrors from beyond infinity to the left of me
Houdini: eldritch horrors from beyond infinity to the right of me
Houdini: and that's when
Houdini: i started to get mad
Arthur Conan Doyle: wow!
Doyle: i can't believe that's a real story that really happened!
Doyle: to think! proof that eldritch space monsters are real!
Doyle: proof in our time!
Doyle: harry, how did you escape from the pyramid
Houdini: [tapping nose conspiratorially]
Doyle: aw c'mon!
Doyle: c'mon!
Doyle:
Doyle: C'MON!
Houdini: so there i was
Houdini: the world's greatest escape artist
Houdini: trapped in a mind-boggling pyramid trap
Houdini: by an eldritch horror
Frank Belknap Long: what if the eldritch horror was a giant hot sexy wolf with six arms and big boobs
Houdini: i
Houdini: what
Long: like in bend your knees to the brain tease
Houdini:
Houdini: what
Long: god i wish that was me
Long: lost in her pyramid
Edward Lee: whats this about boobs
***
Dean Koontz: hey guys i got a story for you!
Poe: oh wow, good job dean!
Poe: i'm sure we're all excited to hear a new scary story from you
Koontz: oh this one's not scary
Poe:
Poe: oh?
Koontz: it's about dogs
Koontz: actually i didn't write this
Koontz: it's by trixie!
Poe: your dog?
Koontz: [struggling to contain laughter] yes! trixie wrote it!
Koontz: [struggling to contain laughter] she wrote it all by herself!
Koontz: it's about advice from a dog
Koontz: i think you can learn everything you need to know from a dog
Koontz: i think dogs are the wisest people i know!
Koontz: ask trixie what she thinks about cats
Poe:
Poe: what does trixie think about cats
Koontz: trixie says we should treat them with sympathy because its not their fault they're not dogs
Poe:
Koontz: eh?
Poe:
Koontz: eh?
Koontz: trixie says we should treat them with sympathy because its not their fault they're not dogs
Lovecraft: [sweats] i'm gonna kill you!!!
Lovecraft: h-how dare you
Lovecraft: how dare you malign cats like that!
King: whoa whoa whoa calm down there howard!
King: edgar help me out here
Poe: no no howard's right here
Koontz: [crying] steve i didn't mean it
King: i'm sorry dean, you really shouldn't have pissed off these cat lovers
Koontz: [crying] i-i didn't mean it
King: i know dean, it's ok
Koontz: [crying] t-trixie didn't really say that
King: i know dean
Koontz: [crying] i just made it up
Koontz: [crying] i-i wanted to seem cool
King: its ok dean
King: you just can't say that sort of thing around cat people
King: you know how they are
King: they just don't understand things the way us dog people do
Koontz: [sniffling] r-right
Koontz: [sniffling] i-its just that i thinks dogs are the best
Poppy Z Brite: better than ferrets?
Koontz: i-i-i
King: don't answer that, dean
Koontz: i think
King: DO NOT answer that, dean