Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 34
Elon Musk is hard at work making sure that Twitter is less and less functional, which, as someone who depends on Twitter to live, kinda sucks! It kinda sucks a lot! If you’re reading this, then you already know that Midnight Pals is available through other avenues when Twitter inevitably implodes, including right here on Substack, but just FYI remember you can also find us at:
Tumblr: bitterkarella
Bluesky: midnightpals
Patreon: bitterkarella
Mastadon: bitterkarella@sfba.social
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Do you wish that you could hear my actual voice pontificating about things that I clearly know very little about? Then you’re in luck, because I appeared on no less than THREE podcasts last week! Of course, by three podcasts, I’m also including my own podcast, A Special Presentation or Alf Will Not Be Seen Tonight, in which we discuss comic strips adapted to films or TV specials. We talked about Australia’s favorite little battler (citation needed) Ginger Meggs. But in other podcast news, I also appeared on Have You Seen This? to discuss weird queer coming-of-age art film Penda’s Fen, which IS NOT, despite everything you’ve heard online, a folk horror film. And I also appeared on the Greymuzzle Archives to talk about life in furry fandom in the far distant year 2000. (I’m old!) Check it out if you like to learn new information and put it in your brain!
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Here’s another cool thing! An anthology that I was in, Your Body is Not Your Body, edited by Alex Woodroe and Matt Blairstone (Tenebrous Press), was nominated for a Shirley Jackson award for best edited anthology! (“Brother Maternitas” by Viktor Athelstan in that same collection was also nominated for best short fiction, btw!) So keep an eye on that! :)
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Anyway, here’s some Midnight Pals!
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Zachary Rosenberg: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the long shalom
Rosenberg: so it’s the 1920s
Lovecraft: [nodding]
Rosenberg: and there’s a detective
Lovecraft: [nodding]
Rosenberg: the detective is jewish
Lovecraft: [nodding abruptly stops]
Rosenberg: so there’s a jewish detective
Lovecraft: [sweats]
Rosenberg: and the jewish detective is bisexual
Lovecraft: [sweating intensifies]
Rosenberg: the bisexual jewish detective teams up with a Japanese woman
Lovecraft:
Rosenberg: and a black guy
Lovecraft:
Rosenberg: and a trans woman
Lovecraft:
Rosenberg: and the Japanese woman runs a rainbow museum of tolerance and brotherhood for all races
Lovecraft:
Barker: ah ha ha don’t stop now keep going
Barker: howard really wants to hear more about that
Poe: clive don’t be an instigator
Barker: ha ha I’m not even doing anything
Barker: I’m just really into this story
Poe: clive
Rosenberg: so hardboiled jewish detective Moishe Marlowe was in his office
Rosenberg: and in walked danger in the form of a beautiful woman
Rosenberg: she needs help exorcising some Talmudic demons
Rosenberg: so she’s in the market for a gumshoe
Rosenberg: “listen I used to believe in America and the american dream” says hard-boiled jewish detective Moishe Marlowe “then I found out that it’s only so much bupkis and all my ideals crumbled like so much matzoh”
Rosenberg: and the Talmudic demon is all “haha I’m gonna destroy new York”
Rosenberg: and Moishe Marlowe is all “fuck you, nobody steps on a synagogue in my town!”
Rosenberg: “that’s right, schmuck, Moishe Marlowe might just be a two-bit schmendrick private dick but he’s 100% new york!”
Rosenberg: “this Empire Stater eats novelty statues of liberty souvenirs and shits sewer alligators!”
Rosenberg: “there’s dirty hot dog water in these veins!”
John Baltisberger: watch it rosenberg
Rosenberg: baltisberger!
Rosenberg: what are you doing here
Rosenberg: selling tickets to the police mans ball?
Baltisberger: just stopping in with a friendly piece of advice, rosenberg
Baltisberger: don't stick your nose in police business!
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King: submitted for the approval of the
Elon Musk: [emerging from bushes] eyyy stephano king you thinka you so smart
Musk: you no hear i gonna fight mark zuckerberg?
Musk: now who looka cool eyyy?
King: you know elon
King: you really don't need to do this to impress me
Musk:
Musk: but you are impressed, no?
King: elon let me give you some advice that i give my son
King: violence is never the answer
Barker: why would you tell joe that
Poe: clive
Barker: that is some centrist lib dorkass bullshit, steve
Poe: clive
Barker: i could solve this problem right now with some violence
Poe: clive steve is trying to set a good example for his son
Poe: what would joe think if his dad suddenly started saying its fine to just beat people up
Barker: he would think his dad was totally cool
King: clive i
King: wait do you think joe would really think i was cool
King: like if i was in a fight? that would be cool?
Barker: yeah that would be badass
Barker: we could arrange something
Barker: like maybe you could fight wrath james white
King: yeah?
Barker: and be killed instantly ha ha ha!
King: clive i'm being serious!!
Barker: what about alan baxter hahaa
King: be serious clive!
Barker: ok steve who do YOU think you could take
King: uh
King:
King: uhhhhh
King: i could probably take howard
Lovecraft: [sweats] m-me?!?
Barker: yeah i believe that
Elon Musk: eyyyy so i no fight mark zuckerberg no more
Musk: my mama she say
Musk: don't stay out-a late with the bad-a boys
Musk: always shoot-a pool
Musk: elon gonna flunk-a da school!
Musk: i would totally beat-a mark zuckerberg but my mama she say i no can fight
King: wait your mom says you can't fight mark zuckerberg?
Musk: si
King:
Musk: you still thinka i'm cool right?
King:
King: exactly how old are you anyway?
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[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: today i want to introducce a very sspecial guessst- john boyne
Rowling: author of the boy in the sstriped pajamassss
John Boyne: ahem, that's the boy in the striped pajamas colon a fable
Boyne: get it right!
Boyne: listen up people
Boyne: Here’s a tip for anyone interacting with a novelist online
Boyne: you can say our books suck
Boyne: you can call us bad writers
Boyne: you can say we’re stupid, ugly or fat
Boyne: you can say we're bald
Boyne: you can say that we're lazy...
Boyne: you can say that we're plagiarists
Boyne: you can say that we whitewash history
Boyne: you can say that our work actively makes people dumber
Rowling: where are you going with thiss
Boyne: hold on i'm working up to something
Boyne: you can say that we smell bad
Boyne: you can say that we're liars
Boyne: you can say that we're pigs
Boyne: but the one thing you cannot say is that we're cis
Rowling:
Rowling: well sssaid! well sssaid!
John Boyne: look, i wrote this really sympathetic book about how hard it is to be related to a trans person
Boyne: i mean, if you think about it, being related to a trans person is really hard
Boyne: probably harder than being trans
Boyne: that just stands to reason
Boyne: anyway the trans didn't appreciate my hard work, so i don't like them now
Rowling: how do you feel about the jewsss after they didn't appreciate the boy in the sstriped pajamass
Boyne: ahem you mean the boy in the striped pajamas colon a fable
Rowling: yess yess of coursse
Boyne: look i just think it's my duty to speak to the true victims of the holocaust Boyne: SS officers who might be really sad if they accidentally killed their sons when they meant to kill jews
Boyne: i'm getting misty just thinking about it
Boyne: [wiping tear] those poor guys
Boyne: i don't believe in the word cis
Boyne: i just thought it was really important i weigh in on this controversy
Boyne: this is in no way a diversion from my other scandals
Boyne: my new book is about a guy trying to buy lamp oil, rope & bombs but he doesn't have enough rubies
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Caitlin Marceau: good day and welcome to my story eh?
Marceau: i'm caitlin marceau eh?
Marceau: and i call this the tale of the toxic parent-child relationship
King: no caitlin you have to say the words
King: "submitted for the approval of the midnight society"
Marceau: oh, take off!
Marceau: it's about this woman who goes to a weekend cabin retreat with her smothering mom eh?
Marceau: but let me tell you
Marceau: parents just don't understand
Marceau: so this woman is stuck with her mom in this cabin in the isolated canadian wilderness
Marceau: but this mom?
Marceau: just a real hoser, eh?
Marceau: ends up pushing her down a cliff eh
Marceau: lucky thing we got that socialized medicine eh
Marceau: the woman is all "mom, i'm hurt real bad eh? i think you better call the mounties eh?"
Marceau: and her mom is all "take off! all you need is some poutine and a nice glass of maple syrup and you'll be all good eh?"
Marceau: so they stay trapped in the great white north eh
Marceau: [drinking milk from a bag] with nary a tim hortons in sight
Marceau: they might be trapped in a cabin in the middle of nowhere during a blizard eh
Marceau: but the real horror is being trapped in a co-dependent relationship with a narcissistic parent eh
Marceau: and a mysterious smell in the cabin eh
William Faulkner: a smell you say?
Marceau: this one knows what i'm talking about eh
Marceau: i've brought canadian treasure geddy lee to help explain it eh?
King: geddy lee of Rush?!?!
King: geddy lee of the band Rush!?!
Geddy Lee: take offffffff
Lee: to the great white north!!!
Lee: take offffffff
Lee: it's a beauty where ya goooo!!!!
Lee: take offfffff!!!
Marceau: [drilling auger into maple tree] see ya just let the sap out just so eh?
[lor gislason oozes out of tree and fills bucket]
Marceau: oh, take off!