Bitter Karella's Fresh Hot Slurry 27
***
Gemma Amor: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the six rooms
Amor: so there’s this historic house--
King: oh like the Biltmore!
Amor:
Amor: [through gritted teeth] sure like the Biltmore
Amor: so this historic house actually has a very interesting history
King: you know, the Biltmore house also has an interesting history
Koontz: what’s this Biltmore?
King: it’s america’s biggest house
Koontz: wowww!
Amor: [muttering] it’s not that big
Amor: so the sunshire house might not be as big as the Biltmore house but--
Barker: not as big as the Biltmore? Why even bother then
Poe: now now clive I’m sure gemma is about to tell us why the sunshire is interesting
Amor: yes
Poe: despite not being as big as the Biltmore house
Amor:
Amor: so anyway the sunshire house
King: what’s the architectural style called?
Amor: we like to say it’s a medley of styles-
King: the Biltmore house is Loire Valley chateaux style
Poe: nice, I like a house with a coherent unifying style
Koontz: can we go to the Biltmore today?
Amor:
Amor: now the sunshire house is full of many historical artifacts from original owner Charles Lester
King: how many of the artifacts are original
Amor: we usually say about 30 %
King: is the kitchen staged with plastic fruit to simulate what it would have been like back in the day
Amor: yes
Koontz: is the plastic fruit original
Amor: so anyway
King: are the carpets original
Amor: the carpets have been replaced
Amor: anyway
Barker: hey what’s the theme statement of this interpretive tour
Amor:
Barker: haha
Poe: clive
Barker: no no I want to know
Barker: I think freeman tilden would want me to ask ha ha
Amor: you know what
Amor: this tour is over
Barker: aw c’mon we were just funnin’
Amor: all of you out
Amor: there’s the exit!
Amor: right through the gift shop!
Amor: another day volunteering at the sunshire house. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the authentic ionic promenade architecture. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it
***
Ryan Murphy: hey everyone it's me ryan murphy!
Brad Falchuk: and I'm ryan murphy!
Murphy: and we're back with another exciting American Horror Story
Murphy: with me! Brad Falchuk!
Falchuk: and me! Brad Falchuk!
Murphy: we're doing an official backrooms adaptation! you guys all love the backrooms don't you?
Koontz: oh! oh! i love the backrooms!
Barker: oh yeah dean loves the backrooms
Barker: you just put on the youtube vids and bam he's occupied for hours
Poe: i don't know that you should leave dean unsupervised with the algorithm like that
Barker: what's the worst that can happen?
Koontz: i'm doing the 2 am minecraft kermit the frog cellphone challenge
Barker:
Poe:
Barker: he's fine, it's fine
Koontz: momo is real
Falchuk: so you might think, uh oh, an ambience-heavy horror world built on vibes? how's that gonna translate to the american horror story aesthetic?
Murphy: don't worry, american horror story fans, we won't let you down
Falchuk: get ready for a whole lot of real dumb bullshit!
Murphy: you guys like the backrooms huh buddy?
Koontz: yeah! yeah!
Koontz: i think the ominous emptiness of the backrooms universe speaks to the alienation of modern life and to the haunting void within
Murphy:
Murphy: uhhh
Murphy: ok but what if there were monsters in it
Murphy: check it out, we're giving this the real american horror story treatment
Falchuk: we'll get evan peters to play the yellow wallpaper and jessica lange to play the flickering incandescent lightbulbs
Murphy: how about that pal? pretty scary huh?
Koontz: i dunno
Murphy: what if we put some people with fucked up faces in it? like, some real freaks so you know they're evil?
Falchuk: maybe put 'em in gimp suits?
Murphy: yeah! yeah! that's some good evil signalling!
Murphy: so whatya think about that?
Koontz: i dunno
Murphy: we'll put in more lore
Murphy: you kids like lore don't you?
Koontz: oo i love lore!
Murphy: course ya do!
Murphy: what'd i tell you ryan? the kids love lore!
Brad Falchuk: i'm not ryan
Ryan Murphy: yes you are
Murphy: ryan we had this discussion this morning
Brad Falchuk: i'm brad falchuk today
Murphy: no we agreed that today i would be brad
Falchuk: but i want to be brad!!
Barker: so you two sure you're up for the challenge of juggling all the intricate plot threads of a story re an empty world w no characters in it
Murphy: i'm brad falchuk!!
Murphy: i know who i am!!!
Falchuk: don't gaslight me!
Barker: yeah yeah i'm sure you guys'll do just fine
***
Aubrey Wood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the cyberpunk future
Wood: [flashlight under chin] of luxury gay space communism!
King: uh
King: we mostly tell horror stories here
Dan Simmons: [clutching pearls] gay space communism!?
Aubrey Wood: this is a cyberpunk future where everyone has pink hair
Simmons: no! no! Stop!!!
Simmons: this is the future greta Thunberg wants!!!
George Romero: yeah! Yeah! Gay space communism!!!
Romero: hell yeah!!!
Wood: in the cyberpunk future, there’s lots of queer people and transhumanist technology mods
Simmons: NO! the two things I hate the most!
Simmons: what a world
Simmons: what a world
Wood: in the cyberpunk future, gutterpunks be using body mods to fight the system
Wood: like those cybernetic eye sphincter things
Romero: yeah! yeah! I want one of those
Wood: sorry you gotta be trans to have a cybernetic eye sphincter thing
Wood: I don’t make the rules, pal
Wood: the future is now, old man!!
Romero: aw but i wanted a cybernetic eye sphincter thing
Wood: sorry old man
Wood: but we could outfit you with, like, a cool old man duster
Romero: yeah. Yeah!
King: hey everyone i
King: uh
King: what’s going on here
Wood: I just threepwooded George romero
Romero: back off, fash, we’re gay space communists now
Wood: hell yeah, the old man is catching on
Wood: watch, I’m gonna show him how to do massive bong rips
***
Dan Bongino: eyyyy lemme tell you, dat biden, e's a real shwetegenutz! badda bing badda boom git im outtaaa erreee i'm a cop new york's finest back da blue baby
Bongino: now i know a shwetegenutz when i sees one, i was a cop baby. new york cop baby!!! [inarticulate cop noises]
Stephen King: guys this dan bongino guy is making fun of our president! our beautiful president!
Poe: let it go steve
King: i can't just let it go!
Poe: steve, don't fight on the internet please
Barker: i dunno, i think steve could take this guy
Poe: clive don't be an instigator
Barker: no steve could totally wipe the walls with this chump
Poe: steve i know you're feeling pretty confident after killing elon musk with a single blow
Poe: but think about this
Poe: let's be reasonable
Poe: elon musk wasn't prepared for a fight but this guy?
Poe: this guy's an ex-cop
Barker: that only gives me more confidence that steve could take him
King: yeah. Yeah!!
King: i think i can do it guys!!
King: watch this!!
Bongino: dat biden he's like a big jabrony eyyyy whatsamatta, i'm postin errre!!!
Stephen King: yeah well at least he has a job
Bongino:
Bongino: eyyy EXCUSE ME EXCUSE ME
Bongino: dis ere is new york city's finest podcastah yer talkin to!!!
Bongino: who de hell you think you are? yer jest some nobody punk kid, jerkin off in yer mom's basement when i was podcastin wit da best of em!!!
Bongino: i ain't never hoid of no stephen king
[PA hastily whispers in Bongino's ear]
Bongino: whut
Bongino: so yous sayin
Bongino: deses book things
Bongino: is like a podcast?
PA: yes
Bongino:
Bongino: i don't get it