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January 23, 2023

A Living Portrait Made of Snow

Wow, look what came in the mail, everyone. It’s ME. I’ve been dealing with some shit and also some feels lately, so I decided to treat myself like I was a decadent Renaissance prince. So I commissions Bonecrusherjenk over on the twitter to paint a portrait of me. If you’re looking to get a portrait, you should definitely drop her a line! It’s like looking into a living portrait made of snow!!

Image

I think it really captures my essence.

Anyway, here’s some Midnight Pals!

***

Brian Keene: hey guys we’re going to do a collection of barbarian horror
Robert E Howard: hang on thar a dang second pardna
Howard: how y’all gonna do that?
Keene: well I think
Keene: it’ll go a little something
Keene: like this…

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[wasteland expanse]
Brian Keene: [in loincloth] I am Brian
Keene: brian the barbarian
Keene: greatest warrior on all krull
Keene: hark! Who is this brassy spitfire who approaches?
Mary SanGiovanni: [in chainmail bikini]

SanGiovanni: I am Mary, the warrior queen of SanGiovanni
Keene: A woman? A woman warrior? Surely a jest!
Hailey Piper: do not speak to the warrior queen thus, vile cur!
SanGiovanni: conserve your strength, huntress!
SanGiovanni: we shall need it in time to breast boobily across the steppes

Keene: constrain your yapping dog, wench! Your handmaiden forgets her place
Piper: I am no mere handmaiden!
Piper: I am Hailey the huntress
Piper: I thrill to the hunt!
Piper: but also

Keene: what ho! A warrior approaches!
Joe Lansdale: greetings, fellow wanderers
Lansdale: I am Joe of Lansdale
Lansdale: My sword is big like the wide open expanses of the Texas sky
Lansdale: and my strength as persistent as the memory of the alamo

Lansdale: I challenge you, brian the barbarian
Keene: I accept, joe of Lansdale, for my arm is strong and my blade is sharp
Lansdale: you speak much, whelp, but let’s see how you fight
[they fight]
Lansdale: DON’T
Lansdale: MESS
Lansdale: WITH
Lansdale: TEXAS!!!

Stephen Graham Jones: [wearing elk skull mask] halt travelers
Jones: you dare cross the domain of Stephen of Graham of Jones?
Jones: to proceed, you must best me in a contest of strength and skill
Keene: name the game, gatekeeper!
Jones: basketball
Keene:

Keene: augh! I am injured!
Keene: Look away, wench! None may witness my manly tears!
Mary SanGiovanni: But that wound requires healing salve, you brashly impulsive warrior!

Brian Keene: so what did you think of that?
Barker: sounds like a lot of nerd shit
Robert Howard: now hold on there pardna
Howard: I plum enjoyed that
Howard: specially the part about Texas
Howard: I like the cut of this Lansdale feller’s gib

***

Kyle Edward Ball: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of the skinamarink
Koontz: oh! like the
Ball: yes yes go ahead and say it
Ball: just like sharon lois and bram's elephant show
Ball: like i haven't heard THAT before
Ball: goddamn gen xers

Ball: this is the tale of the skinamarink
Ball: i hope you're ready to look at this lego set for the next hour and a half
Ball: cuz that's what we're doing
Ball: it's gonna be the scariest fucking thing you've ever seen

Ball: so keep watching these legos
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
Barker: so is something gonna happen
King: shh clive
King: he's building to something

Barker: what is this, you're just filming legos for an hour and a half?
Ball: not just legos
Ball: check it out there's a flickering television too
King: oh that's pretty scary
Ball: it's playing public domain cartoons
King: OH SHIT D:

Ball: so what do you think
King: wait
King: so it's SHARON, LOIS and bram's elephant show?
King: all these years i thought it was SHERI LEWIS and bram's elephant show!
Ball:
Ball: there were 3 people on that show steve
Ball: who did you think that third person was

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