I won’t be sending this out as a newsletter. It’s not about books, or not directly about books. It’s about struggling and staying quiet and shame and only sharing part of the picture and not begging for the help you need because of guilt.

I’m hurting, emotionally and financially, the former being directly tied to the latter. I’m mostly estranged from my family and wouldn’t trust them to help even if I wasn’t. (This goes back to their unwillingness to help pay vet bills to save the life of my cat. The bills got paid. The cat is happy and healthy. The family relationship is irreparably damaged.)

Last June, I fell and broke my ankle and had to have surgery to repair it. I was off my feet and unable to work my bookstore job for 13 weeks. Because I was out so long, the bookstore had to replace me, so I no longer had a job to go to once I was sorta back on my feet. I also had an additional six weeks of physical therapy and still can’t stand for extended periods of time. I’ve been diligently sending out resumés, only to receive silence or, at best, a form rejection, which has absolutely killed my self-confidence.

Being out of work for so long has also destroyed my finances. I’ve been relying on a combination of GoFundMe campaigns and Bookstore Romance Day sponsorships, but everybody’s tapped out for crowdfunding and publishers are cutting way back on sponsorship, with many of the Bookstore Romance Day perennial sponsors not returning this year, with many of them simply choosing not to reply to my attempts to contact them.

All of that has combined to put me in a situation where I’m not sure if I’ll be able to pay rent for April. I’m already behind on all of my utilities, paying just enough to keep them on. I’ve gotten rid of my car (which was paid off) because the associated expenses were impossible to continue paying. I’ve been feeding my cats canned chicken and tuna, not because it’s healthier, but because I can purchase them with SNAP benefits. (I need to take my elderly cat to the vet, but I certainly can’t afford that.) I’m letting my streaming services expire as my annual subscriptions come up for renewal. Same with my paid newsletter subs and recurring donations. I do laundry at most once a month because even that four dollars a load is best directed elsewhere.

I’m in a place where I don’t think I’ll ever be able to dig myself out. I’ve been willing to ask for help via GoFundMe, but have been reluctant to share how bad things really are because so many people have it so much worse. With the exception of a limp and ongoing pain at various levels due to my ankle injury, I’m generally healthy. I’m a middle-aged cis white woman in a very blue state, so I’m not in fear for my life from our government. I’m simply very, very poor, which is why I feel guilty any time I ask for help.

I could work if someone would give me a chance. I would actually love to work. I feel like such a waste, even when I’m spending several hours a day working on Bookstore Romance Day things. I want a job, or at least some kind of freelance or contract work. Alternately, I want Bookstore Romance Day to generate enough in sponsorships that I can pay myself enough to stay housed and keep the literal lights on. Until one of those things happens though, I have to continue to be money from strangers on the internet and feel guilty when I get it because someone else could use it more.

I also feel ashamed any time I ask for help because I feel like my situation is my own fault. Logically, I know this isn’t true. I didn’t injure myself on purpose and I’m doing everything in my power to get back to work, but emotionally I’m convinced it’s some lack in me that has put (and kept) me in this mess.

I’ve now shared more about my situation than I feel truly comfortable with and there are still so many aspects that are too personal and/or too embarrassing to put in writing.

If you know someone who could use a remote assistant or website, newsletter, or social media manager, please reach out. If you’re interested in Bookstore Romance Day sponsorship information, you can find it here. If you’re able to help via the GoFundMe, you can find it here. If you just want to send words of encouragement or cute pet pics, those would also be most welcome.