when wanting your life back starts sounding like something else.
hi,
this is the first one.
every other week, a few words from best i can.
caregiver resentment.
when wanting your life back starts sounding like something else.
the phone rings.
before you answer,
you hope it isn't them.
you know they might need something.
and for one second,
you don't want to be needed.
your life had been changing
around caregiving
for a long time.
you kept adjusting.
plans changed.
sleep changed.
what belonged to you
kept getting smaller.
you noticed.
you resented it.
that wasn't the part
that scared you.
the part that scared you
was how much
you wanted it back.
you know what you resent.
the exhaustion.
the responsibility.
how little of your life
still feels like yours.
then you notice
the question has changed.
not: what has caregiving done to my life?
but: what does resenting it say about me?
you love them.
you know that.
you also want
your life back.
those shouldn't be
the same thought.
but in your head,
wanting your life back
starts sounding like
wanting a life
without caregiving in it.
and there is a person
at the center
of that life.
i don't want to do this anymore.
you can almost say that.
the next question
is harder.
if i had known
what loving you would ask of me...
would i have chosen this?
something we're making.
little breaths.
small collections of recognition.
not advice.
not answers.
just words.
the first one comes from this sucks. and is for caregivers.
we'll be here.