Hi, thanks for subscribing! First off, some notes. The following blog post is only specific to child and parent/caregiver-child relationships and not adult relationships. Also, the term “chest feeding” (and “body feeding”) is inclusive in this newsletter, in my work, and when it’s mentioned in this podcast episode - the term can encompass feeding baby/ies in a way that feels most comfortable to the parent and how they choose to discuss their postpartum experience and their body, so breastfeeding is included under this umbrella. If we work together during postpartum, I use the term that parents do, so if you use the term breastfeeding, I use that too! Lastly, my commentary is in grey text whereas the paraphrasing of the resource is in blue text.

Our second resource is the podcast episode, Dr. Cotler on Attachment: What is it and how to foster a secure pattern with your child, from The Mom Room.

Intro and Reflective Functioning

This podcast episode is a discussion between Renee Reina, PhD, and Tanya Cotler, PhD. I found it to be a clear, concise approach to covering the basics of attachment science, parenting, and child psychology. They both completed training on attachment, specifically the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI) which looks at narratives of early relationship (e.g., coherence) and reflective functioning, which Dr. Cotler describes as “the way you think about, reflect on, make sense of, make meaning of your early relationships”.

The idea of, and the science that supports, reflective functioning is inspirational in how I work and in creating my newborn care class. Before the class, I provide parents with a worksheet, “Prenatal Expectations and Reflections”, which provides prompts to initiate thinking about potential realities during the postpartum period (which means that while we can “plan” for postpartum, there’s also the chance that we also won’t know what we might truly need until we’re in the moment!).

Some prompts include:

• I think the newborn phase (the first 2 months) will look/feel like:

  • Ideally I would like the newborn phase to look/feel like:

• What I already know about newborns:

• In the newborn phase, I’m looking forward to this:

  • I’m looking forward to this the least:

• During postpartum I want to feel:

  • My doula/partner/spouse/extended family/support person can help me attain this by:

• My current hobbies and routines include:

  • After baby’s birth, I expect these to look like:

This worksheet gives us the opportunity to discuss what you already know, in addition to what you might want more knowledge on, and to keep curiosity at the forefront when thinking of expectations with the newborn phase. For instance, some parents might think their baby will sleep a lot (which the can and do!), but if baby has health concerns, is generally more fussy, or even just wants to be held more during that first week at home (which is definitely typical in my experience!), that reality conflicts with the expectations set prenatally. So in the newborn course, we work on making sense of the postpartum experience and newborn care through being intentional and using curiosity to understand why baby might behave a certain way, versus solely relying on preconceived notions of how a baby should behave.

Attachment Theory Versus Attachment Parenting

Dr. Reina and Dr. Cotler touch on parents’ worries about attachment (e.g., not giving the same attention to both twins at the same time) and discuss how attachment parenting is based on proximity behaviors, which relates more so to actions like babywearing and chest feeding. Also, Dr. William Sears, whose book Dr. Cotler mentioned about attachment parenting, is a pediatrician (Dr. Cotler misspoke on his profession- she was unsure so I checked on that for you all!). However, attachment theory and science are more in line with how you, your partner and your child feel and doesn’t require certain actions of caregivers. John Bowlby theorized that children are hardwired to seek proximity, safety, and protection through behaviors like crying, clinging, and doing other things to get their caregiver to respond. Bowlby believed the goal of attachment was for the development of a secure base, where the caregiver is a safe spot for the child to return to. It starts off as external, as physical, and becomes internalized over time (aka, internal working model or internal representation). Dr. Cotler provides the examples of a skating rink where a child can return to the walls for a break after practicing, and a child playing at a park who returns or has check-ins with the caregiver. Over time, the child’s working model of the parent is thought of as safe, reliable, protective, and a source of soothing in a secure base. Extensive research has validated Bowlby’s original theory, and emphasizes the importance on reflection and caregivers holding the child in mind, and seeing and feeling the child.

So this isn’t to say that behaviors considered as trademarks of attachment parenting won’t make you feel closer to your child, it’s mainly that they’re not required in order for a secure attachment to develop. I also think babywearing is a great way to keep baby close both physically (and even emotionally and mentally at times if you find babywearing suits your needs that way!), and can also be extremely useful when you want your hands free or when your wrists or arms are tired from holding baby for long periods.

Also to add to Dr. Cotler’s examples of a secure base, another great visual can be seen here: Circle of Security. Circle of Security is also a type of intervention in child psychology that incorporates fostering the parent-child relationship and their attachment to become more secure (the Strange Situation protocol and other attachment styles involved will be discussed next!) and was discussed in my MA program. I think this concept could even be applied to other areas of our life as adults where we may need safe, reliable, and/or comforting external or internal places to return to after exploration or in times of need.

Insights from Additional Child Development Research

Dr. Cotler prefers discussing parenting and attachment as a continuum of tendencies, rather than as “styles” or something more constricted to a box (to bring in another visual!). However, sometimes categories can be helpful in research: In Mary Ainsworth’s study and Strange Situation experiment, along with some other areas of child development research, attachment types can be categorized as secure, avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. To categorize, Ainsworth studied how the child reacts to the parent leaving the room they are in with a stranger, how the child does with the stranger, and how the child reacts to the parent’s return. The most important aspect looked for is the child’s ability to regulate themselves and their pattern of coping. It’s also good to note that a child’s temperament was considered their baseline, and since crying upon separation from their parent occurs with most babies, this alone is not indicative of attachment style and other measures such as the reunion behavior(s) were therefore vital in determining attachment. Here are the brief definitions Dr. Cotler gave about the attachment categories, but the previous links have more information as well and I’d highly recommend watching the video of the experiment!

• secure = child uses base, settles to feel safe enough to explore again

• avoidant = avoids caregiver, seems disinterested in parent/toys/etc. upon parents return; caregiving might have been dismissive

• anxious = coping mechanism was confusion because of caregiving unpredictability

• disorganized = may occur in situations of abuse, intense trauma (child may have a tendency to freeze)

Dr. Cotler also emphasizes the importance of being okay in the ambivalence of parenting and in the ruptures. She brings up the Still Face experiment by Ed Tronick, where mothers sit across from their baby and do not respond verbally or physically to their baby and their bids for attention and interaction. Through this experiment, we learn more on how babies perceive non-communication and may feel unknown or misunderstood, the importance of the parent-child relationship as dyadic and collaborative, and how secure attachments can have a split of 70% mismatches and 30% matches (i.e., parents respond to babies that matches their needs and wants 30% of the time). The mismatch is vital as those are our opportunities to learn, reflect, and repair. This research, along with other research, underpins the importance of the dyadic and comprehensive parent-child relationship and is a reiteration of the sense that minor, single events or mismatches might not have as much weight within the development of secure attachment as we think or believe they might.

I think the framing of mismatches is really important even in my work as a caregiver (just a reminder that I’m not a parent!)- sure it’s my job and I like to do things “well” in my job, but there are many tough times caring for kids and interpreting what they need! We can’t be perfect in caregiving, and we’re going to make mistakes, but it’s the reflection, learning, and implementing (of new ways of thinking or approaching matters) that can make the most impact. We can take advantage of these opportunities!

Thanks for reading! This newsletter will be added to my site’s blog later this week, so you can join the comment section to discuss more then (my email is open in the meantime!).