finding zen
soy la misma newsletter
I lie on my bedroom floor, staring blankly at my phone as my right index finger slowly drags itself through the oversharing of people online. My stomach and throat feel tight. My breathing staggers, and at times I'm sure I'm not breathing at all. Frustrated, I put my phone down next to me, maneuver my body to the side, and gently rise to meet the day. I promise myself almost every day that I won't spend so much time on my phone or that I won't mindlessly scroll through social media. And yet, I fall into the trap. I grab my Airpods, put on the nearest shoes I can find (today's wear: Chaco hiking sandals), grab water, and head to the garage, where I keep the treadmill (truthfully, because my dad got upset at me the day I bought it off the Facebook marketplace after he told me to stop buying junk -- the jokes on him, the garage is a pleasantly cool place to walk or run). I untwist the long cord to connect the machine to the outside plug, and then on the machine, I press the start button. I opened the Youtube app and selected a newly published video of a young woman recording her home remodeling process over the last two years. After 10 to 15 minutes, the tightness in my throat and stomach miraculously leaves me, and I feel a shift in mood that tricks me into thinking I can conquer the rest of the day.
I've been anxious for the longest time since I can remember, especially in high school. Many school mornings, I gagged as my toothbrush reached my teeth, and pushed away a breakfast plate because I could not eat without my stomach feeling queasy and nauseous. It wasn't until perhaps a year or two ago that my anxiety worsened. My anxiety got so bad that I no longer wished to travel, hang out with friends, go to church, or do other activities that involved me sitting amongst people. Before last fall, after quite some intensive CBT therapy sessions, I thought I had conquered my anxiety. I left for law school thinking I was cool until I was not. Anxiety was one of the factors that made me leave Madison and law school -- the fear of not being able to be successful with anxiety is a real buzzkill. To this day, I still feel anxious about many things, such as flying on a plane, hiking in an unknown area, attending city meetings, etc. But I still push past them because I'm unwilling to let anxiety take over my life.
After a day of teaching, finding the motivation to get on my bike or treadmill can be hard. But sometimes, I just need to do the damn thing, or else I will find my heart bursting at the thought of being overwhelmed. I've recently started walking, biking, and doing yoga again. As I stretch my arms, torso, and legs, my body is still stiff and feels like I haven't loved it enough. It can feel super upsetting, but I don't let myself sulk in the sadness but instead in the fact that I understand that this is a lifestyle that I need to welcome into my schedule. There are other health factors I've been considering getting checked, but for now, I'm doing the best I can as I live day by day. I'm satisfied that I've made it this far in life and chosen my health over the fast pace I've been used to for quite some time. What lifestyle have you created for yourself that you've seen positively change your mood and energy?
What I've been watching:
New episodes of "How I Met Your Father"
"Somebody I Used to Know" on Amazon Prime
"Run the World" Season 2 on Starz
What I've been listening to:
"The Album" by the Jonas Brothers, especially "Montana Sky" and "Sail Away"
a lot of Kali Uchis
"All My Life" by Lil Durk, Ft. J. Cole
"Last Night" by Morgan Wallen
What I'm looking forward to this summer:
My Children & YA Literature and the Art of Photography Classes
My partner and I are planning a National Park trip to Glacier! If you've ever been ... please email me; I'd love to connect (:
What I'm obsessing over:
chamomile tea
hand-made soap
Have a great summer!!!