A Most Unreliable Narrator Issue #101 A Most Impulsive Pugnaciousness
Something not to be trifled with
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice-of-life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
Dear Internet,
Being bipolar and someone with ovaries is a deadly combination. During my menses I often find myself even more agitated, defensive, and pugnacious than even when I’m unmedicated due to hormones racing through my body. For the last six or so months, every couple of months, this pugnaciousness has shown up at work. One time it was so bad my boss threatened to write me up.
And the pugnaciousness showed up again a few weeks back.
The only detail that is important is that it happened outside my team. When I came to, it is like a blackout, I was deathly afraid my boss would find out. Days went by and then our 1:1 happened, and I spent the entire time waiting for her to drop the bomb.
It never came.
I spent the rest of that afternoon awash of relief. There could be a chance for the incident to rear its ugly head, but the longer time has gone by, the less I feel it is likely going to happen.
When this pugnacious attitude appears, I genuinely am not aware. I slide into it like a warm bath, unconscious of what is happening until later, like cooled water, when I am filled with regret and shame. I often have to double back and cover my tracks to make sure it doesn’t happen again, but it still happens enough that I worry that one day it could ruin my life.
I took Friday before last off because I was so charged from my impulsive actions. I double down that weekend on anxiety meds in the hope to balance my brain and it finally took Seroquel and 14 hours of sleep to finally get that balance.
My therapist and I talked about what had happened in my last session as I was struck with the midnight realization that I never talk about impulsive actions, at least not commonly. They agreed it was a topic we rarely touched upon and that needed to change.
I wondered, to myself, how much damage over the course of my life has happened with impulsive actions. Friends lost. Jobs damaged. Bridges burned. How different would have my life been if I was stable or if I wasn’t crazy?
My mind occasionally wanders to the “what if” territory but I’m working to put a stop on that. There is only so much one can do to dwell on their past. Who am I kidding? You can’t change anything. Life is what it is and all you can do is go forward.
My therapist suggested I set reminders a week before my menses and then a couple of days and a day before it is to start, which thankfully I’ve been regular for the last few years now, to help prompt me into action on how to behave. Take deep breaths. Meditate. Work on something else. Take time off if needed. Try and be mindful.
2022 is to be the year about my brain and body only to find myself stressing more about what my brain is doing. I live in hope this will change. It has to.
Things I Recently Wrote
If you read #97.5, you’ll recall I’ve ditched the We’ll Read Anything Once (Twice If We Like it) book review blog for a newsletter of the same name. I choose to not import this newsletter’s subscriber base over because I hate to be a bother so if you’re interested in snarky and sassy book reviews, I would be thrilled if you subscribed.
I have a few things come down the pipe for No Flying, No Tights but those reviews are later in the spring.
What I’m Reading
FINISH A FUCKING BOOK LISA BEFORE STARTING A NEW ONE.
The 7/12 Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle An Agatha Christie-esque locked room mystery
Changeless Book #2 in the Parasol Protectorate series
Reputation Mean girls with Jane Austen thrown in
Dissolution Lawyer turned sleuth in Tudor England
The Historian A 700 page tomb of the retelling of Dracula
Because of Miss Bridgerton A Bridgerton sequel series
The Second Cut A Scottish gay auctioneer doubles as a private detective
A Marvellous Light Downton Abbey meets Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrell
Wonderful Thing
Tonight, we’re having Popeyes Chicken so that is this week’s wonderful thing. Spicy chicken tenders with fries, cole slaw, biscuits, and mashed taters? It’s a carb lover’s dream.
Interesting Things (or things to buy)
With workouts happening 3x a week, I decided to splurge on some Athleta wear, which I got, of course, on sale. Does anyone have an opinion on them or have a suggestion for Lisa size work out wear? I’ve already done the routes of Old Navy and Torrid but I’m looking for the good stuff and not fast fashion.
Links to Read That Are Not (Terribly) Depressing
Russia invaded the Ukraine. Everything remains depressing. (Except for SUCHO.)
Vote in the upcoming primaries. You can make a difference.
lisa x
(Fuck fascists and Nazis!)
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