Issue #48 Birth + Life + Death
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice-of-life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
Dear Internet,
A lot has happened in the last couple of weeks to the extent there is almost too much to process My brother-in-law (TEH’s brother) unexpectedly died, I found out the end date of my contract (December 28), I’m hunting for jobs, and probably a few other things that trying to recall is proving difficult. It’s been stressful and emotional and I feel as if I’m in constant recovery.
But people die, people change jobs, the circle continues to turn. I’ve been pretty thrilled with how I’m handling everything mentally. I thought my BIL’s death would send me into a spiral of my death obsession, but rather I felt joy he was no longer in pain and I reminded myself that while yes, death is a sad thing, my main position was to act as a support and comfort to TEH and my MIL. Despite us having passed the three-year mark since we’ve been back together, TEH’s trust with me still remains wary as he is sometimes reluctant to be vulnerable as he does not know if I’m going to vamoose again or not support him in big crises. How strange it takes a relative’s death to bring us a bit closer and his fear a bit loosened.
When I’ve spoken about my BIL’s death these last few weeks, I feel detached and flippant though I’ve been assured this is not the case. He and I were not close. I have only seen him a half of dozen times in the last decade, thus we did not have a familial relationship as rather we were more like acquaintances. BIL thought I was “quirky” and “out there” and one Xmas, (I am not responsible for what you are about to see), he bought me this book and this book.
I wonder as to what Miss Manners would have said upon receiving them. I think I gave a heartfelt, “Thank you!” and promptly shelved the books with a shudder when we got home. Too curious to recycle them and too appalled to donate them. If you wanted to know what my BIL was like, his gifts were a great indicator of his personality.
TEH was not close to his brother; a long history of family frissons formed the basis of their relationship. BIL was schizophrenic, on the spectrum, and a host of other mental disorders so BIL’s relationship with his family was chaotic, painful, and often dangerous. TEH said to me after his brother died that he let him go years ago so TEH was numb rather than sad with a slice of relief BIL was no longer a danger to himself or my MIL. I'm glossing the surface of TEH’s family history as it’s not my story to tell but these are things that are public and I’m okay with sharing.
The setting of the funeral took a bit of a strange turn. BIL had created his own religion, as one does, that mixed Islam with paganism. My SIL, his wife, is a relapsed pagan, and my MIL is Mormon. In the end, we had an open casket with visitation time and an hour long service. There were readings from TEH’s aunt and uncle, songs were sung, and the Mormon bishop gave a nice speech. I cried, TEH cried; there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. We spent the rest of the day at my in-laws to bring comfort to my MIL and eventually decamped for home nearly eight hours after the day’s events started.
My death obsession is that I’m often afraid to sleep at nights for the fear I will not wake up. I picture myself in situations where my life is in a medical balance and I’m not sure if I want to live or die. I made Kate my death contact on Facebook, yes this is something you can do, so when I die, and Facebook is still around, she can control my profile. I’m creating a list of logins and passwords to everything so TEH can get access to them. I am also researching on creating a will and I’ve decreed verbally to TEH and Kate I want the following to happen:
Cremate me with my beloved teddy bear and I need to be wearing a Joy Division tshirt. If possible, include the ashes of my beloved Wednesday (silver urn).
No viewing. Sit my urn in the middle of a table with blown up pictures from my life around it.
I want a party with at least a pony keg of Guinness and other crappy beer for the non-Guinness drinkers along with my favorite foods
I have a life insurance policy so funeral expenses are taken care of. I want donations to be made in my honor to various charities (list forthcoming)
Some of my ashes need to be stuck on a small wooden/paper boat (child sized), lit on fire and pushed out to sea. By sea, I mean Lake Michigan. There are a ton of private beaches near our cabin to make this happen.
I’m currently thinking about creating a Spotify “Play This At My Funeral” playlist.
My journal website, https://exitpursuedbyabear.net, is already archived in the Internet Archive so that one day, scholars may stumble across my stuff long after the domain has expired
I would say that people not to wear black but I know far too many former goths
If you’re going to die, your funeral should go big or go home.
That is my death obsession. Here I am relatively young and I’m planning for an event, gods willing, that may not happen for another 35-40 years. I like to think of myself as a planner and not obsessing about the start of eternal life. Don’t we all want to end up in The Good Place?
The contractors received word at the end of November when our final work dates would be. My end date is 12/28/2018, happy holidays to me!, while some are being let go earlier. There had been rumors the contracts were going to be extended until March with a possible renewal every three months but this never materialized. Morale, as you might have guessed, is low and the joy I once got from working has slowed down to a trickle. I am fearful of what will happen to me come January as the thought of living in my yoga pants for days on end no longer sounds enticing. I have finally begun to build up an office wardrobe and I have taken great pride in the work I was doing. I am so, so, so proud of myself for not only keeping a job but that I could function at that job wonderfully. I was never late or called in sick, I often worked after my day ended, and took great pride in what I was doing. I felt a great sense of purpose that I am a contributing member to society. I paid my bills and made big chunks in payments towards my credit cards. I started saving money. I had an allowance that gave me the freedom to buy what I wanted (within reason). Losing all of that, though I know it was coming, feels like a blow to my esteem but this a rare and invasive thought.
My work husband and I gossip on Messenger how frustrated we are with our set up. We’ve had three managers in the last six months, our primary boss is incompetent, and work husband and I pick up the massive amount of slack of our team. The office at first seemed warm and inviting but we were left out of potlucks and celebrations. We are transient, we knew that, but how much better would our working experience would have been if we felt, even superficially, part of the crowd.
Work husband and I often talk about our backgrounds in relation to this job and we both struggle with working in a position not only outside our field but at a company who tantalize you with all these work benefits such as work at home options, laid back management, super flexibility for scheduling, the ability to wear jeans and Chucks, and for me, it’s a 6 minute walk from the condo. The pay, for the area, is quite good. The question we struggle with is do you try and worm your way into the company permanently by applying for positions you are now qualified for within the company and have a job or do you branch out and look for a position elsewhere that is closer to your background and passion and make that your career? This is a hard choice. A very hard choice. I’ve worked both angles before and neither worked out well. The trick is, of course, balance but that often seems elusive and overwhelming.
Do I want a job or a career?
My current position is “Knowledge Managment Consultant” and the definition to that gig is vague. What it really boils down to is I write and edit technical documents for the company’s internal wiki. Some projects are tedious, some are fun, and others come to prove challenging but in a good way. If I could stay in this role, permanently, I would be thrilled for the benefits I listed above plus I would assume better pay but getting into this department is hard as they often do not backfill vacated positions and hiring percentage into the department seems to be low.
Right around the time when I found out my end date, I completely revamped my resume adding my new job and cleaned the fuck out of my LinkedIn. I have a kitchen sink resume listing everything remotely related to my professional career, to clean still. I started looking for librarian positions in Louisville and boroughs (again) and positions that touched upon my newly earned skillset. I found I was now marketable for other types of jobs which was a relief as I was not sure my newly drawn job would not be an asset. Since early November, I’ve applied for 11 positions, formally rejected from two, one possible interview, and one definite interview. Half of the positions I’ve applied for are with the company I work for now (and one of my rejections). I feel if I keep banging at the gate, someone will let me in.
As I am always a woman with a plan, I’m starting to line a few things up if none of the interviews pan out. There are several paid sites that specialize in remote work in a variety of fields I’m qualified for and the price is reasonable. There is unemployment. (KY states you only need to be let go from a position that is not of your own free will; there is no definite language barring contractors from applying.) There is the ever continuation of applying for jobs. (At least count, since December 2014, I’ve applied for over 400 jobs, most of them in the library world.) There is potential schooling getting a project management certification. There is the possibility of getting another degree. I am not without choice, I know this, but this all seems scary and already frustrating but if the current success rate getting an interview seems to hold up, having a current job on my resume is doing wonders for my eligibility
.
There is more, isn’t there always more?, that I want to write about but this is already at 2,000 words and you signed up for a newsletter, not a book. It’s been nearly two months since our last conversation and I’m hoping to get back into writing a couple of times a month rather than every few months. My creativity has slowed down considerably these last few years, I haven’t knitted anything in almost two years if that tells you anything, and even writing here feel stilted though apparently churning out 2,000 words was a piece of cake.
Every time I fall down, I pick myself back up even if that means repeating the same things over and over again. At some time I'll get it right.
Before I let you go, I’m doing my Holiday Cardextravaganza this year and I want you to sign up to get a card! Trust me, you want this card. Head to https://goo.gl/forms/MVmW9kwvw6f8JROd2 to sign up! And if you’re into sending cards back, my address is on the confirmation page.
If by some fucked up reason you don’t hear from me before the 25th, have a wonderful present opening and celebration day.
Lisa x
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