Issue #28 A Reader's Favorite
Welcome to A Most Unreliable Narrator, the slice-of-life newsletter of GenXer around town, Lisa Rabey. I talk about anything and everything with a bit of swears. I’m glad you’re here.
Louisville is finally in a cold snap and I'm now kicking leaves when I walk the dog which gives me some joy. I try to not think that I've seen 45 Novembers and I may only have 40 or so left. I need to make them count. (The remaining years seems like forever.)
I'm now slinging books for a local corporate bookstore, I have been for the last few weeks and TEH has made mention my mental well being has improved since I started. I've noticed I am not so despondent as I used to be and working, even for shitty wages, has given me life. I feel good and a sense of accomplishment, "I did this!," when my direct deposit hits. I mentioned to one of my coworkers working there has become my everything and she blithely commented she hoped no one at that store felt like it was their everything because how sad would that be? I said nothing.
So, I'm slinging books and the world looks a bit brighter. I feel a sense of accomplishment with my work—bookselling is far more than just customer service and my bosses seem happy enough with me that I'm given projects. One of my co-workers commented on the side he's been there for nearly three years and hasn't been given some of the work I've been doing. Most of the staff know I used to sling books years ago, and honestly? not much has changed in terms of work since I've left in 2009, so I'm hoping said co-workers do not see my project work as some sort of favoritism. The hours are not plentiful, only 20 a week, and I work short shifts five days a week which can be a pain. The schedule is set ahead up to three weeks in advance so it makes scheduling shrink and doctor's appointments a bit of a hassle but it's doable.
I'm hired as a seasonal employee and I won't find out until mid-January whether or not they will keep me on. There is no health insurance and things have changed enough my old position no longer exists and no one works full time anymore unless they are management. Corporate considers anything above 32 hours/week as full time and the store won't schedule someone over 28. If they have you in the system for 20 hours a week, they try to keep your shifts around those hours and the likelihood of going over is small though that may change as we get deep into the holidays. My pay rate coming in was a dollar less than what I was making nine years ago but when I got my first check, it was 50¢ more than I was told. This current pay rate and hours worked give me enough take home per month to cover my bills and afford a coffee or two. I try not to dwell on the monies I used to make, I remind myself this is temporary, and TEH gets on me if he feels I am being too pessimistic about my situation. I have a job and I should be thrilled even if it's not the job that I expected to have. Things will get better.
I have not heard from any of my other interviews from mid-late September, not even a "no," and I stopped applying for gigs about a month ago. Things are slow around the holidays for gigs as colleges and universities gear up for winter break so I'll be back at it come January. I have hope I'll get a job in my field. This cannot go on forever.
I may have mentioned before I am looking at a third master's but this time in digital media. IU SouthEast has a program which has some applicable study work with classes such as social media strategy and legal and social information of security that could really help me in finding non-librarian jobs. I've been trying to sell myself doing content strategy and social media operations but my skillset is far too old to be taken seriously (I believe) and it's a hard market. I know getting a degree seems kind of fool's errand since so many of these jobs are new as technology evolves but the networking, practical experiences, and knowledge which will give me a foot above what my current status does not.
I'm also actually consulting and that took me by surprise. In the space of three days I gathered four clients with three of them wanting to move forward. The work varies but it's all work I've done before or can do so this is hopeful. TEH is convinced my only way forward is to work with and for myself and if I can make a living doing this kind of work, I'll probably be a lot happier than working for TheMan.
Even with this encouragement, there is so much I need to do for my education in such matters and I'm feeling overwhelmed. The clients moving forward are all in different time frames which have been helpful in the destressing. As I recently said to Kate,"Maybe because it's a gorgeous day outside, my coffee is good, and I feel rested but I genuinely feel good today and have good hope; not the I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO LIVE FOR hope." There is a difference. Slight it may be, but it exists.
Recently I said, "I try ever so hard to not feel obsessed or envy or depressed my life is not the way I want it to be but I cannot move forward to create a life of meaning and break these tight chains." First, I want to tell you that nothing has changed since I wrote those words but that isn't necessarily true. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have some worth: I'm working. I've got a consulting gig happening. I've volunteered to be a docent at a local art museum. My health is generally good. I am clothed, fed, and housed. I love TEH and he loves me back. I have a cunty ass dog but I love her nonetheless. I have good friends and I'm lucky in a lot of ways and now those thoughts don't seem so relevant any more. I have genuine optimism on moving forward with my writing. I keep going back to this: I have worth and working at a low bar job has meant everything to me and my outlook is honestly changing and not in the "I'm going to say it and it will chang" kind of way. The argument could be made I have always had worth but does it exist if you don't feel it?
Does it?
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You've just finished reading A Most Unreliable Narrator: the slice of life newsletter from the GenXer about town, Lisa Rabey. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook and Bluesky if you're so inclined. I am everywhere. Copyright © 1996 - 2025 by Lisa Rabey