Dear Internet,

On Friday, I did my head in.

I woke up at 2:15 a.m. with a rapid heart rate. I don’t wear my watch to bed and I knew that if I did put the watch on, I’d get anxiety over the numbers. Instead, I took 120 mg of Diltiazem (my daily dose is 60mg) and 20 mg of Buspar. The rapid heart rate broke about five or so minutes later. Not sure if it did itself naturally or because of the drugs I took.

I’ve been desperate to get off of Diltiazem for months so I could go on ADHD meds. I started out at 240 mg and now I’m down to 60 mg/day. Later on Friday, I emailed my GP to have her increase my dose to 120 mg/day, which she agreed to. Ironically, I had already scheduled a consult with a local cardiologist, but that’s not until mid-November.

When I was walking Thursday on Friday, I was thinking that I hate the fact I’m self-aware enough to modify my meds as needed without consulting a doc. I know this sounds dangerous, but in the example I gave in my last issue, where I bumped myself back up to 300 mg of Lamictal from 200 mg because that dose was triggering my mania, it’s true. I’m still annoyed with my, now previous, psych nurse for not even passing on the instruction for me to do this; I just did it.

Mr. Lisa and my brother occasionally lament about being on meds, and I laugh because taking a handful of pills every morning is my life. I can never go off my psych meds. Ever. I mean, I could, but *gestures,* we remember 2014, don’t we?

Other than my semi-glued together brain and the weird rhythmia of my heart, I’m in great shape, metabolically speaking. I had my yearly physical a few weeks ago, and all my blood panels came back perfect. I continue to be surprised when I get my check-up every year.

Well, I shant get too far ahead of myself. I’ve had an earache for the last week, and I’ve finally broken down and made an appointment with my GP for Tuesday. I hope it’s nothing serious.

And back to my semi-glued brain

I know I just did a tap dance about being in good health, but I cannot dismiss the attack of the sads that have been happening in the last few weeks. It comes and goes without warning. Sometimes it’s for a few hours and others, a few days. I don’t know if this means I need to up my Zoloft to 150 mg (from 100 mg) or if something else is going on. Like I said earlier in this issue, knowing how to self-medicate can be dangerous, yet in a lot of ways, the medical establishment leaves me no choice. I have enough psych meds (and refills) to last me over six months and for any changes, even just upping my Zoloft, won’t impact me since I still have the 50mg pills when my dead to me psych nurse brought me down from 150mg to 100mg.

It’s on my plan to find a med management person in the next month or two so when I do run out of pills, I won’t have any gaps.

Who knew this was going to be a body issue?

I’ve been reading Anti-Diet by Christy Harrison lately, and it’s been eye opening. We know, as a society, that diets/lifestyle changes/wellness only works for like 3% of the population and the diets/lifestyle changes/wellness industries make billions of dollars. Did I tell you about the influencers who were hawking psyllium husk as “nature’s GLP-1?” No? You know what it is? Fiber. And you also want to know something else? It’s one of the primary ingredients for Metamucil.

Fuck those people.

I’m pretty incensed as I read the book because I know I have disordered eating, and I’ve been doing a good job not weighing myself or taking a beating on my body. (I weighed myself before my shower today and I weigh the same though I feel like I’ve gained 10 pounds.) Shit is hard, yo! I thought about weighing myself once a month to make sure I was still stabilized, but honestly, I’m afraid that spiral would happen if I had gained weight. Shit, I’ll probably will need to up my Zoloft another 50mg!

But I can also admit that Mr. Lisa and I, despite having CSA shares and thus more fruit and veg in the house, eat like crap. You know what I did? I bought a fuck ton of Canadian candy when I was in Niagara Falls in July and when that was gone, had Canadian friends send me more! (No tariffs on chocolate, it seems.) And I’m a grazer so instead of having something substantial, I crack open a Coffee Crisp or an Aerobar and work my way through it for snacks.

Shit is getting out of control.

So yep, totally worried about my bod.

If I’m being truthful, I’d like to drop another 25lbs to get as far away from 300 as I can.

The other thing I want to do, and have been wanting to do for ages, is teach yoga and primarily concentrate on larger bodies, older folks, and those with disabilities. I mean, I need to actually go to yoga before I get my dander up about this.

And this morning I planned on going.

I pulled out my mat, and I thought about what I was going to wear. I put it in my calendar.

I was ready.

But last night, the visceral reaction I started having was nearly physical. I looked for and found ways as to why I should not go. I settled on having an earache. Oh, I was up in time to take Mr. Lisa to work and then go, but I hoped he had forgotten I was driving today. He did.

I don’t know why I had such an impulse as not to want to go. I do actually like doing yoga. But, I also have issues with yogis (thin, white women) who do no modifications and do nothing when they see me struggling. My brain was probably gearing up as a defense and that set me off. Who knows.

Since I started this, I called the Y and got in for tomorrow’s class and asked if I should bring my mat or use one of theirs. (“Even though we have mats, I’d bring your own.,” said the gentleman who answered the phone.

So there we are! We try again.

Other shenanigans this week

Wednesday I’m meeting Whisky Karen for food and a hike around Lake Cadillac. Thursday I’m spending the day at a business incubator. Friday, I work. Saturday I’ve got a writer’s group meeting and I’m teaching a class. After the class, I head downstate for the AFSP walk on Sunday. Sunday, I come home and the week has ended.

This week in…

• Nerd Girl Industries Presents Issue #22 In which I wax on newsletter companies, update on my service pricing, and women in tech.

• Ms Scarlet Writes a Newsletter #1 in which I update on upcoming submissions, writing commitments, and bring back Wonderful Things. This week it’s PBS Passport!

• Meet Cute Book Club I’ve partnered with my local bookshop to run a romance book club every month, and we have a newsletter! It goes out twice a month, and I always include book club questions. Thus, if you can’t make it to N. Michigan, you can engage in the comments! A list of the upcoming books is also available.

We’re in the home stretch for the AFSP fundraiser. The walk is this Sunday, September 14!

I’m fundraising for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for a walk on September 14. As most of you know, a very beloved person in my life, the selfish bastard Brendan McAdams, killed himself on January 10, 2025. He would have been 46 this year.

My goal is to raise $1000 USD. I've got around $200 more to go. Go to AFSP’s website to donate. I'll be posting an announcement in every issue of my newsletters and regularly on my social media until the day of the walk. If you can donate even $5 or share this link (https://bit.ly/AFSPWalk2025), you will be an amazing human being and doing me a huge solid.

Achingly yours,

lisa x