3: Going for it!!
Hello friends!!
Can you believe it's already almost October?! I feel like I blinked and September just flew by. Surprisingly, I'm looking forward to ~the spoopy month~ and the holiday season. Though I'll be spending these times differently than in years past (for...obvious reasons), they still encompass all the things that make me happy: spooky fun, love, warmth, sweater weather, family, friends. I know for sure I'm still going to feel the heaviness of this country's political instability, systemic discrimination, and just overall seeming lack of compassion (and more! Ugh, SO much more!), but I'm excited for all the little things that I can still try to find joy in and the ways I can show love and warmth to others.
Anyway - September has been a bit crazy. I've got quite a few plates spinning, so this'll be a more of a reflection kind of letter this time around. I truly wanted to write up something about my work again - I've been making a breakthrough in my process that I've been really wanting to share! - but having everything prepared and written out would have meant probably having to spend another week losing sleep to meet my deadlines. I hope to make it up to y'all with not just one, but two newsletters next month, though - so stay tuned.
Though I won't be sharing an in-depth look into what I've been working on sound design-wise , I do want to share my struggles regarding something I'm really trying to work on: being better at facing my fear of failure.
This started when my mentor Isabella suggested that I apply to a certain mid-level AAA role, around the beginning of the month. My reaction? Very surprised, extremely unsure of myself, instant anxiety. You see - I'm a little ashamed to admit it (because it feels in retrospect like such a waste), but - I've been shying away from applying to anything other than junior roles (and sometimes, even those!) because I didn't think I was anywhere near worthy of something even a little greater. I thought I was not good enough to even consider applying, and I was afraid that any application would be yet another failed attempt.
But as Isabella continued to encourage me, and let me know that I was, indeed, more than ready to go for it, I started to think more about why I didn't think I was ready. I realized... I've been holding myself back, thinking I wasn't good enough. I constantly think that I have to keep working on my portfolio to make it good enough, and then I can apply. But then I never think it's good enough, that it needs to be better, so I just don't apply.
But if my mentors with all their years of experience believe in me, why can't I believe in myself? Why shouldn't I just try, shoot my shot, and hope for the best? I can't not apply because I'm afraid of being rejected - let's face it, rejection is a huge reality even for those with years of experience and tons of connections - or that people will think I'm overconfident. I have to try. Maybe I'll get a hit, maybe I'll just get an overwhelming amount of misses, but at least I put myself forth and gave it a go. Fear of failure just isn't a good enough reason to hesitate.
So that's what I've started to work on this month - mustering my courage to apply to more things, building my confidence, believing in myself, and recognizing that I do have something to offer. In addition to that: being okay with my failures. Because hey, failure is inevitable for all of us, even though most of us don't like to admit it!
I've also set some long-term goals for myself that I previously didn't let myself hope for, thinking they were just too unattainable. My short-term goals for this year remain the same, but I figured I might as well try to shoot for the stars and make it my ultimate, long-term career goal to work at Square Enix and Monolith Soft! (Hahahahahaha I'm a huge FF and Zelda fan, so this is probably not a surprise at all.) Who knows if that'll actually happen, but it'll be fun to give it a shot.
Final Fantasy XV - Scepter of the Pious
Hah, I didn't quite plan that segue into this next section, but well - speaking of FF, here is my most significant output this month: a sound redesign of this brief cutscene from Final Fantasy XV! My primary focus for my next reel edition is fantasy, so I thought I'd bring in something from a game that I recently finished and fell in love with.
I absolutely love working on magical sounds, so bringing a ton of shimmer and sparkle to this scene was ridiculously fun. It is also now a strong contender for my favorite sound design hehe. I'm still seeking feedback on this, so I may have an update for this redesign next month, but I feel okay to give this a rest for now and move on to another redesign!
Other little updates
- My oldest sister got married on September 14!! I won't lie - this was a huge source of distress for my family, not just because of the risk of contracting COVID-19 from another wedding-goer but also because of the terrible air quality and fire risk. Thankfully, though, everyone was very careful and respectful about maintaining mask and social-distancing etiquette, and my family tested negative for COVID-19 after the wedding. & of course, the wedding itself was lovely, and I was so happy to see her marry the love of her life!! (Peep one of the best pics from this day: me with my favorite of my sister's dogs, who also walked down the aisle!)  [Alt text: Me (Amerlyn) wearing a face mask, standing next to my sister's chocolate labrador wearing a floral wreath. Groomsman standing in the background adjusting suit cuffs.]
- I am no longer unemployed! I have started working a new day job, this time as my mother's HR Assistant at a recruiting and staffing company. I'm really grateful that this came up, since it meant that I didn't have to go too long without having any income and that I could work from home full-time. Sadly, it's also meant that I have less time to reflect on what I want career-wise. But because the hours are flexible and I can worry less about being at risk of getting infected, I'm finding that I have a lot more energy for sound design!
- Updated my website! I stayed up one night till 5 AM to rework the layout and put up everything I've been neglecting to put up for the past year. Would definitely not recommend doing that - update your sites regularly, y'all - but hey, it's pretty clean now! I'm already thinking about the next iteration though - gonna try injecting a lot of color - so I'll have another update next month.
- Completed sound design for a short animation ("spoopy crystal ball") from Amy Wibowo!
- Completed sound design for a short animation ("#weekend") from Andry Rasoahaingo!
- Still working with Chase Steele on organizing and updating his sound library! I'm really enjoying doing metadata work and learning more about the UCS hehe.
- Media consumption: *Breath of the Wild*, *Spiritfarer*, *Ghost of Tsushima*, *Going Under*, *Final Fantasy XV*, *Final Fantasy VII Remake*, *Aggretsuko*, *Great British Bake-Off*, *Nice to Meet You*, *Gourmet Hound*
& That's all I have for you today!
Oh, and - if you felt like this resonated with you, or if you just want to chat with me about your own career journey or life, please don't hesitate to email me or DM me on Twitter! I won't always be able to reply right away, but I'm always happy to talk and be a friend. Also, it just makes me so happy to hear about friends' dreams and aspirations and shower them with unwavering support ;A;
After all, it's too dangerous to go alone, so take this!
[Alt text: Meme of a polar bear cartoon character washing a cartoon seal with a mop drenched in carrot juice. Represents me showering my friends with overwhelming love and support.]
Thanks so much for reading, and be well.
Stay flaming, Amerlyn