Yesterday and Another Lifetime Ago
The anniversary of my mom’s death is next week. I hate the word anniversary for that kind of thing. Anniversaries are supposed to be fun and good. This is neither. As ever, it feels like yesterday and another lifetime ago, something that happened to someone else, at times. But like all stories, my relationship to it is always shifting.
Time eases the way you carry grief. It does not make the grief go away or evaporate. Nothing ever makes it disappear completely, because love never vanishes. And grief is a longing love for someone gone. It’s that missing.
I was talking to a friend yesterday, confidently, about how the anniversary is next week and how I’m fine. Spoiler alert: this morning, I was not fine! At all. Funny, how that works. But it then dawned on me that a lot of my random anxiety, lately, is not random at all. It’s all just buzzing around, because of this.
And it’s funny how you can know something and not know it, yet. How realization dawns like either a lazy sunrise or a wrecking ball. How the ghost of old pain is never quite gone, how you cannot bury the ache deep enough, no matter how far you dig.
There was a day the other week, where I was missing my mom. Not in a bad way. But in a way that is hard to explain. She was always someone I could natter on to, about whatever was in my head without fear of bothering her or judgement—even though, lord, she disagreed with me plenty. Ours was not a smooth-as-glass relationship. But she was someone I could always count on in a particular way, and I’d be a lying liar who lies if I didn’t say that I miss that with her.
That started me thinking on loneliness and how that affects us. That shows up, partially, in my latest poem in The Deadlands, which will appear online in 10 days! It was written years ago, but it fits the moment, for me. It is all recognition and imperfection and defiance. A reminder that we’re all doing the best we can. Some days are infinitely better than others.
In other news, I got my copy of the Rhysling Anthology! I’m super thrilled that my poem, “Five of Cups Considers Forgiveness,” (from The Deadlands) is included in it! (Note: the Anthology doesn’t appear to be on the official Rhysling site yet, so I while I would prefer to link you directly there, I cannot.) I’m very proud of that piece for a lot of reasons. I mean, any piece of mine that makes it into print is an outright blessing. I know that social media often only shows you the wins, but there are plenty of loses and no’s.
I suppose I want this to be reminder that grief is not something we can set down, any more than love is. And the heart is an infinitely wilful creature. But one thing that has always served me well lately is trusting my own heart. No matter the noise, no matter the chaos. It’s no small feat sometimes, but it is one of the truest things I know.
Probably no newsletter next week, but aiming for one at the end of the following week. As ever, you can reply to this email if you wish.
Until next time, darlings,
XOXO