Who I Am
Today, this stopped me in my tracks for a moment. I think it’s one of the most important things we can do in this life. Scary? Yes. That’s okay. All the good things, really, are a little bit scary. And you do them anyway.
I’m terrified all the time. I don’t pretend I’m not. I just bull my way through it. Because I’m also stubborn.
I’d also go one step beyond telling and say show people how you feel. Actions matter. Actions can soothe in a way you don’t expect, can’t account for.
Once, there was a person in my life who was very good at words, but terrible at action. At gestures. And follow through. These days, I expect those in my life to do what they say or hush. Don’t overpromise, because I don’t have time for that. (I’m being blithe, but this really wrecked me for a long time.)
Conversely, there’s me. I’m a ridiculous CareBear. If I ask how you are, it’s not for show. If I tell you to call me if you need me, I mean it. If I tell you that I’ll come sit with you when you’re sad (I have done this), I will move actual mountains if I need to, to do that. It’s not an empty promise. Nothing I do or say is for show.
This has confused people in the past. They wait for the other shoe to drop. Spoiler alert: there is no other shoe. I’m probably running barefoot in the grass somewhere. At the end of the day, I care fiercely and love even harder than that.
This is who I am. No frills, no bullshit. Life is short. I know this. I knew this before my mom died over a decade ago, but more so in the wake of her death. Her death taught me a lot about myself, a lot about who I was, who I am, and who I want to be. Losing her meant I had to relearn things, which no one really warns you about. But it’s not the kind of warning you’d even understand until you do.
But the point is, time is never guaranteed. Like someone? Tell them. Wanna see someone? Tell them. Wanna take a trip? Do it. Have a torrid love affair? Go for it. Life is meant to be sipped, savored, gulped down, embraced—damn the rest. Damn what might go wrong or what anyone might think. You are always stronger and braver than you know—get out of your own way. Give yourself permission. Make plans.
I think of all the things I’ve done in the past that may have been a bit left of the middle. All the ways in which I pursued and honored my own heart. Would I have been brave enough to do those things if it weren’t for my mother’s death? Probably. But what I do know is that I stopped taking things for granted, once she was gone. It took losing her for me to fully learn that.
This moment, that possibility. I tend to full fling myself at what lights me up, because why else are we here? And if we’re lucky enough to be here, now, in this moment? What magick that is. I won’t ever take that granted.
I hope you don’t either.