The Heavy Things We Do Not Speak Of
Unsaid words can sometimes sit like stones, not in the stomach, but the heart. An unseen anvil that rattles with every breath.
The other day, something small hurt my feelings. And I sat with that feeling, trying to parse it out. And once I found the root, I understood not only myself better, but the situation too. And I am reminded that, sometimes, nothing is about us. In fact, often enough, things aren’t.
It’s important to consider that, nearly always. So many people, myself included, are carrying heavy things. Not secrets. But things that are either hard or impossible to talk about—or, perhaps, the opportunity to do so hasn’t arisen.
The things we carry sometimes root us to the spot—unable to move forward. Sometimes, this leaves us looking at the past, unable to parse it from the present or the future. These are always things that we cannot, for whatever reason, set down.
And while it’s not okay to make that anyone else’s problem in the greater sense (no one else is responsible for your feelings but you, no matter what popular culture might seek to persuade), the heavy things we do not speak of still maintain their weight.
There are, of course, myriad horrors in the world. But many hardships, too, on a smaller scale—and it is by that scale we measure our lives. Because something doesn’t have to be a massive unheavel to matter. Stress is cumulative, and that is why we often find ourselves breaking down over seemingly trivial things. It’s all the things that came before it, piling up, becoming heavier and heavier. And we are all simply human, after all.
Lately, I have been leaning hard into my personal rituals—from workouts/runs to drawing a daily tarot card. Sending silly/not silly Snapchats to friends. Buying tiny gifts for friends, when my budget allows. Sharing cute animal photos and sky photos and selfies. Getting outside to literally touch grass (I love walking barefoot when I can) and pet the neighbor cat. Scheduling joys helps too—whether it’s ordering lunch or painting my nails or spending time with my siblings and my dad.
Even in the dark times, darlings, there is light. Bright spots and steady heartbeats. It can feel impossible, sometimes, to find solid ground again. But you will. And I will. And we will.
A Few Bits and Bobs
My friend Katelan Foisy has an online store up for some of her art. You can snag a cool pillow or journal and support someone who is brilliant.
Kambriel and I have a poem in Enchanted Living, which has long been a dream of mine! The folks there are wonderful, and the magazine is always so, so beautiful. Snag a copy!
We Were Liars was a great show, and I hope that we get a second season.
Nikita Gill has a new book coming out, and I am pumped. I cannot wait to get my copy of Hekate.
Ditto goes for Cass Khaw’s The Library at Hellebore.
And I’ve got a poem coming out on the podcast Simultaneous Times, from Space Cowboy Books. Jean-Paul has been lovely, and I can’t wait for you to hear, “I, Robot.”