the foolishness of heartstuff
I have never met a person who was difficult to love.
Yes, people can be difficult, but difficult to love? No. Love is easy. Love is simple. Love simply is, without justification. Not for what someone can do, but for who they are.
Something in passing this week reminded me of a time when I thought I was difficult to love—impossible, even. But in hindsight, it wasn’t that. It was just that I was asking the wrong person. (Who hasn’t been there?) In hindsight, so much is clear that you can’t see in the thick of the moment, in the swirling chaos of hope and heartstuff.
I’m not that person anymore, who took on blame that wasn’t warranted. I no long fault myself for someone else’s shortcomings. But the specter of that feeling surfaced this week, and I tried to look at it, rather than brush it away. Because it’s almost always better—healthier—to bless the past and release it than it is to try to bury or avoid it. (Growth! We do it, even if we hate it. Growth is hard!)
I firmly believe love is easy to do. Relationships are hard, yes. But the act of love? The verb? Easy as hell. You just have to give a damn, out loud, in some way. That’s it. That’s the trick, the crux, the heartbeat of it.
At the heart of it, I don’t ever want people to feel alone. I think so much in the world—and in the dark recesses of our hearts—tries to make us feel alone, tell us that we don’t matter. And sometimes, it’s easy to give in to that particular quicksand.
So, to me, caring emphatically is simply the antidote to that. Perhaps especially now, as we muddle through terrible and uncertain times. And it’s something I truly love to do: show affection. Given permission, I am a hugger. I drag things to people I think they’ll like. I frequently check in. I sometimes write letters. Because the more I see of the world lately, the more I think leaning in and on each other is the answer. And so, I try to do that, every possible opportunity. Because I’d rather be the person who (affectionately) blunders in like the Kool-Aid man than someone who holds back. Now is not the time to hold back.
If you’ve ever been told you’re too this or that, remember that anyone with your best interest at heart would not measure your worth that way.
If you’ve ever been told or been made to feel you’re hard to love, remember that says more about the other person than it does you. And you should probably drop them. (Yes, even if it’s family. Family does not get a pass.)
If you’ve ever been told you’re too much or not enough, know that there are people in the world who will love you in all your damned glory. And they will be worthy of it.
This week, I’d found myself wondering if I was being annoying. It doesn’t matter why. The reason is mostly in my head. And then two different friends made me feel appreciated and loved, and it made all the difference.
So, consider this your sign to care out loud. To write a letter to an old friend. To send that text just saying hey. To make a gesture. To do a kindness. To offer sweetness. To show care. To not worry how it all might look, because the marrow of life is truly the foolishness of heartstuff. The complete lack of coolness that comes with giving a damn that, interestingly, makes you cool.
Until next week, darlings,
XOXO