Poetry and Musings
Before we begin the beguine, housekeeping notes!
I have a new poem out at Strange Horizons, and I am extremely proud of “Of Water, Always Seeking.” If you’d give it a read, I’d be thrilled!
I have three poems eligible for the Rhyslings!
https://www.uncannymagazine.com/article/six-of-swords-becomes-the-emperor/ https://www.uncannymagazine.com/article/the-high-priestess-writes-a-love-letter-to-the-magician/ https://thedeadlands.com/issue-35/the-high-priestess/Those are also eligible for the special poetry category for the Hugos this year, along with my short story that appeared in Worlds of Possibilities: https://www.patreon.com/juliarios/shop/worlds-of-possibility-april-2024-195114?ref=juliarios.com.
I have had the pleasure of working with some incredible humans, and I am very proud of the work I’ve done. More poetry for 2025! Let’s go!
And now, onward!
Lately, I’ve been thinking about all my worst mistakes. The times I fucked up, the things I’d do differently now. The different person I was, in some ways, even five years ago. How I have grown, while the core of who I am has stayed the same. Sometimes, people judge you based on the past version of who you were, and it’s always a weirdly uncomfortable space. (This happened to me over the summer, and it is something I’ve been noodling on ever since.)
I pride myself on being a kind person, but even I have my moments of unkindness. I pride myself on being a loving person, even though I have moments where I am short-tempered and difficult. I am someone who often blames herself, whose imperfections are many and never far from the surface. I am, as anyone close to me will tell you, my own harshest critic. I think we often are.
There are relationships I remained in for too long, because I don’t like giving up on people. Conversely, there are relationships I have cut off at lightning speed, for reasons. In this, I have difficulty finding a middle ground. Because the heart is a tricky beast, so often howling, so often refusing to be corralled by reason or logic or expectation. All vibes. All gut. All instinct.
With those close to me, I am tremendously emotionally available. If you need me, you’ve got me. That’s a fact I also pride myself on. Of course, I am also constantly working on boundaries and communicating them, because sometimes, I run out of steam and need to not. But the fact remains that a core part of who I am is how I am: entirely full of heart.
And, you know, sometimes that makes life more difficult.
None of us are perfect. We don’t get it right all of the time. There are times I’ve been unkind. Mean, even. Does that cancel out the rest of my kindness? No. But it does make me flawed. Imperfect. Messy. There are people in this world who don’t like me, because of those moments. And they are entitled to that. That version of me is at fault.
There are times—rare as they are—that I’ve walked away from someone when they needed me. In the moment, it seems like the right thing to do. But in retrospect, it doesn’t always feel that way. Doubt creeps in. It’s so very easy to speculate, especially at a distance. It’s so easy to second guess. Would I make a different decision now? I don’t know. It’s hard to judge the past by the present, and vice versa. Hindsight isn’t always 20/20. Sometimes, it gets colored in ways we don’t acknowledge. Sometimes, it’s a slippery slope. A way to rewrite a story we no longer like looking at. A transfiguration of the past into something easier to manage.
All in all, most often, the heart I have broken is my own. For trying for longer than I should. For loving people who could not love me the same way. Even still, when given the opportunity, I love with my full heart. I don’t think it’s love if it’s in half-measures. And I would rather be fully in it, when something/someone matters to me than offer something tepid that leaves anyone confused.
Is caring a mistake at any point? I don’t think so. A friend remarked recently—more than one friend, actually—about my capacity for compassion. It’s fundamentally part of who I am. But it’s also a reaction, in some ways, to the moments I sought care and compassion and was met with the opposite. For the times someone sneered about my feelings, and I can honestly say now that my feelings are one of the best things about me. If I give a damn, it is not for show.
As we venture further into the year, may we hold compassion in our hearts. May we be met with softness when it is needed most. May we give and receive kind words at the right moment. May we know when that moment is, and seize it—not shy away from it. May we be brave enough and strong enough to be soft. To love with a grace. To give without keeping a ledger.
Sending love and care out in this, if it is needed. Given the everything, I’ll wager that it is.
XOXO