Pain's Always a Sign Something's Wrong
At some point, the impossible will happen—and someone you trust will hurt you terribly. At that point, emotions aside, you have to figure out: was this deliberate or careless? And, either way, does it matter which?
Everyone makes mistakes. Does dumb things. Says hurtful shit. We are human and flawed, although what we strive for matters. So, you have to figure out if it is a feature or a bug, which can be both unpleasant and time-consuming.
If it’s a pattern of behavior and not a one-off, there you have a decision to make: How much, if any, of your heart will you continue to invest? If you have had conversations about it (because no one is a mind-reader), and the behavior continues, my advice to run is simply: run. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Run.
This is a lesson we often need to relearn during various moments in our lives, because maybe we want to see the best in people. Maybe someone used to be a certain way, but is not that way any longer. Things change, and that includes people. Dealing with that is almost never easy. Unless someone has punted my cat across the room, I find it hard to simply…not care or care less.
But at a certain point, it’s important to take your own heart into consideration. And if you are hurting, then you have to step back and make changes. That is not easy, but it’s necessary. Because at some point, you have either been neglected or something not factored into…whatever. And if someone does not show you basic kindness, then you owe it to yourself to protect yourself.
I am not always good at that. Especially if I care to a certain degree. It takes a lot—and often, many tries—for me to pull back. Not even in romantic relationships, but friendships too. I can always see every side of everything, and sometimes, that’s more harmful than helpful, because I will find reasons for things when I have not been given reasons. A reason you find yourself is simply rationalizing, and don’t do that. (I say as someone who has done just that. Don’t be me.)
Life is messy. Hearts are messy. Survival is messy too. You get to decided who is worthy of you and who was worthy of you. Everything is life is dynamic, not static. That can be wildly upsetting, because who likes change/discord? No one that I know of, honestly. But some things have to change so you can move on to better things and maybe a better version of yourself. And who knows what opportunity might arise, because you chose to grow instead of stay stagnant. That is really everything.
P.S. New poem coming out in Uncanny magazine on May 7th. Will keep y’all posted!