Caring and Vampire Moments
I’ve said this before, but I’m either the bravest person you’ve ever met or a vampire—you must explicitly invite me in, or I will assume I’m unwelcome/unwanted. If I want to spend time with you, I will ask and make an effort. Or try to at least start that conversation.
But the vampire days are interesting. Not wholly born of anxiety, but that’s definitely a factor. One of the worst things for me—and probably anyone—is to feel unwelcome/unwanted. And that’s why I cherish when someone makes an effort. Even if it’s just to match my effort in some way.
I was thinking on this yesterday, because brain gremlins. They happen. There are times where I struggle with my own brain, because the scars people leave are sometimes a hell of a thing. Even years past. Even lifetimes ago. Even if I’m a very different human, now. In the moment, you can’t even see the marks being made. It’s just a thing you realize you’re carrying with you later on, a box of darkness. No disrespect to Mary Oliver, but that is not a positive gift, in my opinion.
I live my life based on my heart. I refuse to hold back or play it small. To hell with playing it safe. I will care, loudly and without holding back. This is who I am, when I give a damn. Even if I haven’t gotten to hug someone yet. It’s on the list of things to do, always. Because I like hugs, if hugs have been okayed.
I’m the one who asks are you taking care of yourself? And I really do want the answer. Have you eaten? Did you drink any water? Are you holding up okay? I ask, because sometimes, the tipping point between a bad day or a good day is someone giving a damn, asking a question, reaching out a hand, letting you know you’re not alone.
It’s easy to feel alone, especially when things are turbulent. A friend once remarked that I will stand between someone else and the dark—my people—and tell the dark it doesn’t get to win. And as long as there’s breath in my body, yes. It’s not an act or a mask I put on. It’s me. You can trust in that.
Has this gotten me some sideways looks in the past? Sure. But when I start to doubt myself and spin off into the abyss of too much, I pause and take a breath. I may have vampire moments where I wonder if someone cares, but often times, those who do care step up. And remove the doubt.
And I wish that for y’all: certainty and steadiness. A lack of doubt and a deluge of warmth. These days, when the world feels unstable, harsh, full of horrors, what we have is each other. And when softness and kindness is offered, unconditionally, do not doubt it. Embrace it.
And remember that those who are your people don’t flinch when you are too much or quiet or need space or need to barnacle. We are all of us a messy, sometimes ridiculous collection of stardust, miracles of impossible imperfections.
May someone surprise you in a good way. May your heart open wide. May you know laughter in the depths of your soul. And may kindness serve as a lighthouse, a reminder of love blazing against the dark.
Some Bits and Bobs
My friend Kristy could use a bit of help. She is good people. She is my people: https://ko-fi.com/A457ISS
Here is a horror auction to benefit Ashland Public Library: https://www.ebay.com/usr/friendsapl
A song I’ve had on repeat: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=573Qd9meFNw
A book I’ve been enjoying (audiobook of Long Live Evil): https://www.sarahreesbrennan.com/book/long-live-evil/