I am a woman of some years, and I’m not one to say you automatically decline as you get older (if I did, would come after me with her army of vibrant elders) but holy hell—my body seems to be disintegrating? I’ve been battling this unfortunate turn of events with nutrition and exercise and hormones and so on, as I am determined to go down fighting. My body thinks these attempts are adorable. So cute! Look at her, thinking she can fix this with an estrogen patch and flaxseed meal!

A few months ago I threw my back out while stretching; last Friday, I did it again, only so much worse, while hoisting a 35-pound dumbbell. I was hoisting 35 pounds because the 30-pound dumbbell had become almost too easy, and I thought it was a “good idea” to “challenge myself.” I was doing dumbbell rows and I lifted the cursed object and something in my back went “oh nooo” and I immediately put the dumbbell down and whispered fervent apologies to the Lord for my hubris—but it was too late. By the end of the day, the lower right quadrant of my back would seize up and cause me to make inhuman noises if I attempted to move. There would be no more moving for me.

My doctor prescribed a muscle relaxant, which only succeeded in making me quite high and mostly unconscious. I’d fall asleep, only to wake up a few minutes later because my back was spasming because I had dared to move an inch. Then I’d fall asleep again, etc. Plus it turns out this drug has a long half-life. I didn’t take it yesterday and thought I could be productive, but when I tried to work I was immediately like Oh my hands are actually useless as my fingers sort of stumbled around the keyboard like lil’ drunks and I chuckled and fell asleep again.