woo
during the unit on evolution, he would put his head on his desk, arms bent at the elbow underneath to cradle it and then look to the side, towards the window or sometimes towards the door. his eyes were open, and sometimes he seemed to sigh. our teacher said not unkindly, you don’t have to believe in this, arden, but it will be on the exam, so.
so.
we are martyred for our faiths in small ways; perhaps the large ones are reserved for saints and not 16 year old baptist boys in a small town. did he pray for us, or wish us hellfire? i remember that he was nice enough, if quiet and a little strained, but that seemed appropriate. it wasn’t surprising. i remember that he moved self-contained through the corridors, and though friendly enough always kept himself in some kind of reserve. he knew my cousin, who had converted to marry some guy at just 18. the wedding was in their small church, whose bare walls and lack of singing offended me somehow, and there was no kind of party after, no sugared almonds, no confetti. that you could give up so much for this, it offended me somehow.
the last time i went back the church was up for sale. after spending half a lifetime doing missionary work my cousin was divorced and took up with a younger man, normally this is a scandal but more than one aunt has hissed good for her under their breath. good for her. i don’t know what became of arden who rebuked evolution with his calm and affectless gaze.
none of these things are connected, and i myself believe more and less than i ever did then.