and every time i heard a new word i asked: what does this want to say?

this wants to say. meaning, this means. that which wants to mean but can’t in itself, which reaches and does not grasp, like a fish gasping around a hook. air everywhere and no oxygen, no oxygen — the negative space of drowning. this is what explaining is like sometimes. but even when anyone says ‘this means’ directly without the theatre of thwarted desire (this wants, this wants to say) it is an admission of incapability — the first attempt was not enough to say what wanted to be said, what wanted to be meant. the fish is on the hook, gasping again.

this is what explaining (to you) is like sometimes (for me).