"Your meltdown brain is wise."
Everything Is True
Ada Hoffmann's author newsletter
Hello! Before we get into today's post, some news:
Look at this lovely cover art for the Catalan translation of THE INFINITE:
Speaking of Catalan, due to the generosity of my Catalan publisher Editorial Chronos, I'm going to be a guest at Festival 42 in Barcelona next month! I've kind of been sitting on this exciting plan for most of the year, and I'll say more about it in early November when the full schedule is sorted out, but for now I'll say that if you're out in that area of the world, I'd love to see you.
On Wednesday, November 22, you can see me on a panel discussion called "AI, Science Fiction and Imagined Technological Futures" hosted by the Digital Humanities Research Hub at the School of Advanced Study, University of London. Register here!
I would also be remiss if I didn't do anything to promote Bogi Takács' upcoming collection, POWER TO YIELD AND OTHER STORIES! I wrote the introduction to this book. (It was originally supposed to be a blurb, but then I was very long-winded, and the publisher asked me if I could adapt the long-winded version into a proper intro.) And check out this excellent cover:
I had a lovely time at Can*Con last weekend, but things in the wider world are looking grim, aren't they? I haven't been speaking about current events because it feels like one of those situations where I have nothing to say except trite versions of things that better-informed or more directly-affected people have already said better, very loudly. At the same time, it's one of those times in world history where trying to talk publicly about something else - especially about my career or my usual areas of interest - feels just the teensiest bit selfish.
So instead I thought I would take this week's post and share a piece of advice for dealing with overwhelm that I've been thinking about making into a post for a while. This is something I was told years ago, and it's about meltdowns. The meltdowns don't have to be about anything that's happening in the world right now, but they can be if you want them to be.
Several years ago, when I was going through a tough transition in my personal life and melting down about it a lot, a dear friend of mind said something I didn't expect.
"Your meltdown brain is wise," they said, "and your rational brain is wise. They both have things to say to you."
This threw me for a loop at first, because it's not normally the way people talk about meltdowns. Often we talk about fighting our brain weasels, shutting them down, killing them with fire or simply coming up with a list of reasons why they are wrong. And there can be very good reasons for this. Meltdown brain often says things that are demonstrably false - such as "nobody likes me," "I am terrible," or "nothing will ever be good again." It often speaks in cognitive distortions. Also it is extremely unpleasant to have a meltdown - or to be in the vicinity of someone who's having one.
(To be clear, I am talking about autistic meltdowns.)
But there is one thing meltdown brain is always right about.
Meltdown brain's job is to tell you that something in your immediate situation is intolerable to you. Something is overwhelmingly painful, frightening, or unfair. Meltdown brain tells you this with 100% accuracy, even when you don't want it to.
Rational brain can be very clever, but rational brain can be misled - especially if you're around people who would prefer if you didn't think there was a problem. Rational brain can come up with all sorts of reasons why it's not that bad, why you're just being silly.
Meltdown brain cannot be appeased by these reasons. Meltdown brain will melt down regardless.
Meltdown brain will tell you that you need to stop what you're doing, remove yourself from stressors, and get to a safer place where you can deal with what you're feeling, right now - and it will be correct.
If meltdown and rational brain try to shout each other down, they won't get anywhere. But the two of them can also work together.
Meltdown brain is great at identifying when there is a problem. But it's so-so at identifying what the problem really is, not great at knowing whose fault it is (even when it thinks it does), and no good at all at devising solutions. It often stabs down to pick up a concept somewhere in the vague vicinity of the problem, and then puts that concept under a big, distorting fun-house mirror. That's where rational brain can help - at least, once the meltdown is over.
For example: one of my recurring meltdown themes, at the time when I first heard this advice, was "I'm going to run out of money and die." Spoiler: I did neither of these things! But there was something financially hinky going on, and I didn't know how to deal. My meltdown brain was honest with me about this in a way that my rational brain couldn't be. It was another month or two before my rational brain was ready to sit down and admit there was a money problem. Of course, the fact that I'd been routinely melting down about money was a big clue.
It can be very frustrating to have a meltdown brain. I don't want to minimize how bad it feels. But a lot changes when we see our worst moments, not as proof we are defective, but as the workings of a mental system which - though fallible - is trying as hard as it can to help us.
This is one of the big themes in the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy. In my own therapy lately, I've been getting to know my inner critics; I've figured out a few things about where they are coming from, how they are trying to protect me, how to deal with them and negotiate with them more compassionately. For some people, angrily arguing with the brain weasels can be genuinely helpful; but personally, I like it this way better.
If you listened compassionately to your meltdown brain, what would it have to say to you?