Autism and Self-Care
Everything Is True
Ada Hoffmann's author newsletter
I was talking with some autistic friends recently about the concept of self-care. It's a phrase that gets bandied about a lot and has many conflicting definitions. My working definition of self-care is that it's important to do nice things for ourselves, to make space for pleasurable and rejuvenating activities in our lives, and, as much as circumstances allow, to make sure our own needs are met. Autistic people need this as much as anyone else, but it can look different for us and it can be tricky to know where to begin.
Here are two ways in which an autistic person's self-care might look different from a neurotypical's.
Special Interests
Engaging in a special interest is self-care! Neurotypicals might use words like "repetitive" and "restrictive" to describe the things we like to do best but for all the autistic people I've actually talked to about this, special interests are full of joy. They can have creative, socially meaningful, or highly emotional sides, but even a special interest that lacks these qualities - like collecting a certain object - is deeply joyful.
Spending time on a special interest means immersing yourself in something that your nervous system likes. It can be very healing to do this when your nervous system is used to enduring unpleasant things. And even when we don't need "healing" per se, special interests bring us joy, soothe our nerves, provide bursts of energy and brighten our days.
Special interest time might look like work to a neurotypical, especially if it’s not an interest that most neurotypicals might enjoy. You might hear a neurotypical say, “Why are you working on [thing you love]? That’s not real self-care! Get some rest!” But, while a special interest may not be restful in the usual sense, it is often a deep relief to get to engage with it and it often brings back some emotional vitality in the same way that rest does. If we are in a bad mood or tired and start to work on our special interest, we might find ourselves feeling a lot better after a while.
Neurotypicals may have taught us that we need to "earn" time spent on our special interests somehow, or that the amount of time we spend should be cut down to an amount that seems more "normal." These are damaging attitudes. Special interests are autistic joy, and we deserve joy!
This is not to say that special interests never come with drawbacks or risks. You might find a special interests so consuming that you have trouble pulling away from it to focus on other needs, like eating when you're hungry or doing your paid work. You might end up with unintended strains, like tense shoulders or tendon problems from a special interest that involves lots of frantic typing! Or you might have an interest that tempts you to cross other people's boundaries. These risks should be managed, and sometimes, when people talk about "moderation" in a special interest, they're talking about managing these risks. But this does not imply that less of a special interest, or more "normal looking" amounts of a special interest, is inherently better. Rather, we might need to experiment and find ways of engagement that work for our own particular needs.
Sensory Pleasure
A lot of mainstream depictions of self-care (and a lot of the ones that are easiest to make fun of) are about neurotypical people engaging in sensory pleasure. Bubble baths, manicures, and hot drinks are examples of things that are pleasant to most people's senses. But autistic people's senses are wired differently and we might find these things unpleasant or overwhelming. It can be hard to know how to engage in this kind of self-care, or whether it even applies to us.
But of course it applies to us! Autistic people are all about sensory pleasure - that's why we stim. Incorporating your favorite stims into your day, and allowing yourself to stim freely whenever it is safe to do so, are great ways for an autistic person to do self-care.
Many of us are taught that our sensory needs aren't real or that they are bad or silly. At best, neurotypicals might grudgingly agree that they shouldn't inflict things on us that are painful - like loud rooms or flickering lights - but without understanding that we also need pleasure.
If you have trouble working out what is pleasurable for you, it might help to start by asking yourself about your favorite ways to stim. Are they tactile, verbal, auditory? Do you like fuzzy, heavy blankets? Do you like warm or cold things? Do you like a particular food, or smell, or music, or color? Do you like to move your body in certain ways, or handle certain objects in certain ways? All of these kinds of things might be the beginnings of a plan for sensory pleasure. And they might give you ideas for more advanced things to try. For example, if you like to run and twirl around, you might look into exercise plans that involve a lot of these kinds of motions.
Basic Needs
Joy and pleasure are only a part of the self-care that a human needs. There's a lot to be said for more practical forms of self-care, like keeping your house clean (especially if clutter is overwhelming to you!), staying fed, drinking water, taking meds if you have any, and so on. But joy and pleasure are important too. They're parts of our lives that we can often feel cut off from, guilty about, or unsure how to begin with. In times like these, we need them more than ever.