dear friend—

a few weeks ago, driving home from A’s in the dark, i watched the light fade from a greyish blue to black and realized that i hate driving at dusk more than i hate driving at night.

it was mostly smooth sailing, except for the moment when i had no idea how short the on-ramp would be and i was practically riding the shoulder by the time i shot a look behind me and thought i saw a kind soul flicker their blinkers to let me know they were letting me in.

or at least i think that’s what happened. i’ve seen the same flickering when a car crests a hill and the the angle at which i see their headlights changes. but i didn’t crash, and i didn’t get honked at, so i think i was ok that time.

it’s absolutely insane (i don’t use this word lightly) that every day a vast proportion of the u.s. populace pilots hulking death machines at 70 miles an hour. i am not very religious but every time i get onto the highway i say something like a prayer. and when i get off the highway i say “thank you” to the Higher Power that has Delivered me to safety, whole in body and vehicle.

when i see those yellow deer signs on the side of the road, i remind myself of the recommendation not to brake or swerve when you see a deer but to keep driving straight whatever you do god help you and every driver around you. i comfort myself with the idea that my reflexes are too slow for anything else, lmao.

i sit there white-knuckling the wheel and nestle into the fact that if a deer were to cross my path in that instant, it would simply be up to God. if i was meant to survive meeting between woman and car and deer, i would survive. if i wasn’t, i wouldn’t.

in a recent episode of Tech Won’t Save Us, one of the guests, writer Doug Gordon, blamed car culture and car-oriented cities not only for many health and safety harms (pollution, car accidents, less day-to-day movement for people), but also the much-written-about loneliness epidemic.

perhaps just as much as the tech and internet social media, if not more, Gordon argues, it’s the cars. he points out that while he’s worried about his daughter’s screentime like many parents, he also knows she can walk less than ten blocks to meet up with friends in-person—something most children in the united states can’t do.

Gordon points to studies that show driving brings out anti-social behaviors in the u.s. driving turns everyone into adversaries—and perhaps for good reason, as any idiot can end your shit with one wrong move (or you could end your own shit, as feels more likely for me). he compares interacting with other drivers to interacting with people online—anonymous, bad faith, with heightened emotions.

but also… despite all that… i am extremely privileged to have a well-functioning vehicle to use at any time. the fact of that, paired with my moving back east, has allowed me a freedom to see my loved ones that i haven’t enjoyed in a few years.

despite my fear and angst over driving, it’s 100% worth it. given the current reality of my life, driving on balance is more connective than isolating.

but (and i’m positive i’ve said this before in this newsletter, so forgive me) i’m also looking forward tor a universe where i’m not so car-dependent. that’s another privilege—the freedom and resources to shape my own life.

in november ago, at the back end of a road trip making pilgrimage to city-of-my-heart-Pittsburgh, some friends introduced me to the concept of Saturn’s return. i sat on a stool, nursing a modelo while M worked their magic on a cutting board. the air was warm and fragrant with garlic. two of our dear friends sat beside a fire pit that we could see through the small window over M’s kitchen sink.

M told me how around your 27th or 29th year, Saturn returns to the point in the sky that it sat in when you were born. Saturn’s return is a time of reconsideration, re-evaluation, revelations—RECKONING, as S put it in a completely different conversation (unrelated to Saturn but related to reaching a certain age).

this year felt like my Saturn returned hard. i spent a lot of time confronting the course of my life the past few years and where it was heading; if that was truly the direction i wanted to go and what choices i possibly had to Pivot.

and the ability to Pivot is of course only possible because there are so many loving people in my life who inspire and support and love and care for me, and all the other factors of my life that make ease and time and choices.

what a gift!!!!

three other things i’m grateful for in 2025:

1. MY HEALTH AND MY ABILITY TO PRESERVE IT!

recently, M (a second, different M) mentioned that they (we) were turning 28 this year and i started spiraling. i’m far closer to 30 than away from it. time really do be passing. mortality really do be mortality.

something that my job has impressed on me is just how much your health is decided by factors outside your control—the neighborhood you live in, the corporation that sets up shop next door, the socioeconomic class you were born into. social determinants of health type shit.

that—plus my body resoundingly rejecting the mostly sedentary lifestyle i currently have by way of aches, pains, blood sugar swings, and other protestations—has motivated me to Finally Take My Health Seriously.

i went to the doctor for the first time in five years this month. wild that this in itself is a #blessing in the hellscape of the american healthcare system, which is just getting further lit aflame by the ghouls in congress and the white house.

it feels like every other day i now wake up and think “thank you for the miracle of this mortal coil.” in 2026, i’m doing my darndest to treat this thing right.

2. WRITING FICTION AGAIN, WITH FRIENDS!

turns out that doing things in community—writing and ideating and dreaming in shared spaces with shared intentions—really does lead to a FECUND creative life! i haven’t written fiction at this rate with this much enjoyment since college, and perhaps i wasn’t even writing like this in college, so shout out to the homies for this.

relatedly, something i’ve been especially enjoying this year is writing fiction by hand. this year i re-read one of my favorite series from my childhood: The Graceling Realm, by Kristin Cashore. in the back of one book, Cashore lays out her writing process, which includes hand-writing every single sentence and draft in notebooks.

committing to this in my own fiction writing has been very generative. i think i can see how this method shapes Cashore’s writing style (which i love and envy) and i’ll be so bold as to say i see it in mine, too.

3. FINDING CONNECTION + COMMUNITY AT MY LAPTOP JOB!

last month, i was looking back at some old journals and noticed a difference between what i was writing in the past year and, say, five years ago.

my college and grad school journals are full of daily anecdotes and the people who filled my world at the time. my more recent journals were… much less of that, mostly because i work a laptop job and the people i spend most of my day with are behind a screen. subconsciously i simply Did Not See That As Real Life.

i think laptop job, while a HUGE privilege, can also be a little bit damaging to the soul, but especially so when you go the route i have and subconsciously treat it as Not Real. i spend eight hours of each day on this work and with these people, whom i am lucky enough to like a lot!!

besides tackling this Deficiency from a mindset angle, my taking on a bigger role in the union has been an incredible antidote. my time has been much more full of meetings and my workload is much heavier, but i’ve also come to know my union siblings much better. we’ve laughed together and commiserated together and worked our asses off to support our coworkers.

while the Zoom Environment isn’t the most conducive to Enduring Social Bonds, we have made the best with what we have, being far-flung across the country, literally from coast to coast.

i am incredibly grateful not just for the material benefits being in a union has granted me (annual cost of living increases? in THIS economy?? it’s possible—with a union!), but the much stronger sense of connection, belonging, and community i now have with my comrades, despite being confined to the screen. one year of officership down, one year to go.

what Gifts have been Bestowed upon YOU this 2025?

thanks for reading, chat soon,
—mia xx