If I Were Prime Minister
The four ignored laws I'd enforce on my first day in office
So here’s the scene. It’s some time in the near future and I, improbably, have found myself invited by his majesty the King to form a government, having run for office on the slogan, “It’s the principle, dammit!”
I’d want to hit the ground running, and here’s how I’d do just that.
Arrest the Producers and Presenters of This Morning
In UK law, lotteries are pretty strictly regulated in terms of who can run them and what prizes they can offer. Lots of hoops to jump through. By contrast, contests of skill are allowed much more leeway, even if they offer prizes funded by contestant entry fees, and even if they resolve ties randomly.
Example: An archery contest has 100 entrants, each of who has paid £10 to enter, with the winning being awarded a prize of £1000. If two or more people end up tied for first place, it is permissible for lots to be drawn to decide which of them wins the prize. (And importantly, it doesn’t come under the laws that govern running a lottery, even though there was an element of chance).
This is why programmes such as This Morning run contests funded by the cost of the phone calls made to enter, where to win, say, a free holiday to Egypt, those phoning in have to correctly answer the question: “Which country are the pyramids in, a) Iceland, b) Russia, or c) Egypt?” (With one of those who correctly answered the question being randomly chosen as the winner).
I’d ask the Producers which percentage of those phoning in managed to successfully get into “joint/tied first place” by passing the “test of skill”, and then - when the answer proved to be along the lines of 99.9% - start arresting people. Holly, Dermot, Alison, the producers - the whole lot of them. Maybe a couple of interns too, if I was feeling vindictive. (I guess Phil’s now in the clear, for this at least).
Arrest The Management of Amazon UK For Selling Weapons
If you go to Amazon’s sporting goods section, you will find dozens of different types of baseball bats for sale, each of which will have at least hundreds of reviews, with most having reviews in the thousands. Search for baseballs, and in just the first page you’ll find ones with review totals measuring in the teens or even single digits. (And if you look for cricket bats, which are used in a sport that unlike baseball we actually play in the UK, you’ll find many fewer reviews than for baseball bats).
They’re not sporting goods. They’re weapons - at least they are in the UK.
I’m not sure it is actually illegal to sell weapons mail order in the UK, but I’d have a go at arresting them anyway, because it annoys me.
Arrest Everyone Whose Car Has An Illegal Number Plate
Now I’m not talking here about number plates with illegal fonts, or numberplate with those 3D letters, both of which are no doubt attempts to fool number-plate recognition software on speed cameras. (Although for the avoidance of doubt, I’d arrest those people as well).
No, I’m talking about people who get a custom number plate that doesn’t quite say what they want it to say unless they put the spaces in the wrong place. And then go ahead and put the spaces in the wrong place.
Imagine a guy called Leo who thinks he’s pretty hot stuff, so he goes out and gets himself the number plate “LE05 EXY”, except that’s not what he puts on his car, is it? No, he has it made up as “LE0 5EXY”.
Well I’d arrest Leo, and every sad sack who’s similarly deliberately incorrectly formatted his number plate.
Arrest Everyone Who’s Abandoned A Lorry Trailer Precariously Near A Motorway Just So That They Can Sell Advertising Space On It
In the UK it’s illegal to put up advertising hoardings next to motorways, because we don’t want drivers to be distracted by a constant stream of adverts. So of course, people get round that by dumping old lorry trailers in farmers’ fields next to motorways just so they can stick adverts on the side.
Look, if you’ve clearly abandoned it there with no intention of every retrieving it, have laboriously towed it across several fields to the very edge of a motorway in the process, and have “co-incidentally” parked it just so that it’s at the right angle to the motorway to display advertising, then don’t give me a load of bollocks about how it’s not a permanent structure.
If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and you’re renting it out as a duck, I’m damn well going to prosecute you for keeping a duck.
So that’s day one. Not sure about day two, but it might involve talking to Toyota about the phrase “self-charging hybrid”.
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