Imposter Syndrome, Anxiety, Depression, and Finding Your Audience
I don't think I'm the only one out there who feels this way. If you're a new game designer, I'm almost certain you've felt it: the almost crippling experience of imposter syndrome.
The world of indie tabletop role-playing games is more exciting today than ever before. There are so many amazing games, such incredible ingenuity and innovation, such creative new designers offering diverse voices and perspectives out there that it is without a doubt the coolest time to be into indie ttrpg's. I fully expect that this is just the tip of the iceberg. I fully expect that this revolution in the indie ttrpg scene is just getting started. For example the fact that itchfunding is relatively new and yet has inspired and led to so many creative projects coming to fulfillment is incredible. I hope we continue to see the indie ttrpg space explode in ways we can't even expect. Zine Month 2022 was such an awesome example: I just could not believe the number of incredible games I saw. I literally couldn't support them all. So in an environment as exciting as this, you'd think that means it would feel exciting to be a new designer, right?
But in an environment like the one I'm talking about, it is so easy to tell yourself you have nothing worthwhile to add, that your voice isn't needed, that your design isn't worth anything. It's easy to tell yourself that nobody is going to care, that nobody is interested in your ideas or your project, and that it's all been done before. Does this sound familiar?
Have you heard those voices in your head? If you're anything like me, it's on a daily basis. And that can be so crippling for continuing work on projects. Because here's the connection I'm making for myself between that feeling and progressing on work. Let me give an example based on what I'm working on right now.
APON Games is planning to release a zine for "The Hard Lessons," a GMless storytelling game about a group of students gathering after the death of their teacher and deciding the fate of their school. (This game is really awesome by the way. It's fast, easy, fun, and wants to tell really memorable stories) I'm working on layout for the ashcan game, and then next steps after that are prepping it for itchfunding, marketing, PR, etc. My hope is all of this will be a great learning experience for the future games we have planned to release, like BROKEN: a Tragic Romance Game. But here's the rub: I find it hard to work on something that I'm afraid to then move to the step of showing other people. Because once other people see it, potential for rejection kicks in. I find that it is really easy to move from "my project isn't worthwhile" and "my work isnt worthwhile," to "I MYSELF am not worthwhile."
The line between "excitement for a project and wanting to share it" and "absolute imposter syndrome and depression" is razor thin. This can be so haulting (is that a word?) for me as a new ttrpg designer and I have to imagine for others also. I don't think there's any true solution. For me right now this is a daily struggle. Is it for you? Here's at least a partial answer I think to moving past it, and its a solution that's helpful for marketing as well.
Think about who your game is for. There's a lot of potential answers to the question, who is this game for? Maybe its just for you as the designer. Maybe you just want to release something you love and you are proud of. If the audience is you, then, hey, that's actually kind of easy: you only have to please YOU!
Maybe your audience is just one person. Not really literally just one person, but maybe there's one person, real or theoretical, that you've designed this game for. You know them, or you know they're out there. And you know they'll find the game, and its for them. Whenever you think about the next step of your project, you can think about them, that one person this game is for. The design of the game is for them. The layout is for them. The art is for them. And just like that, you identified your target audience for your game. Because guess what: that one person is going to be more than one person. They are going to be a group of people all interested in your game. Big or small, that one person is actually a group, and now you know who you need to find out there, or to help them find your game. I know that last thing is tough, trust me, because I've been thinking a lot about it.
How do I find the audience for my games? With the Hard Lessons (which is not written by me, it is written by Joshua Wise but I'm working on bringing the project to completion), I've been thinking a lot about how it's a really good game, but there's a lot of similar games out there. How do we match the game to the audience? How do we help them find it?
I don't have the solution for that last part exactly yet, but that's for a future post. For now, I can imagine that one person who wants to buy the Hard Lessons, that one person who will get a small group of their friends together, and they'll create a fictional Jedi Master, but one of them is secretly a Sith, and ends up betraying and killing them all after they find out she was the one that killed their Master. I'll find that other person who desperately wants to tell the story of the world's greatest chef and the culinary movement they inspired. The Hard Lessons can tell so many stories, and you can sit down with virtually no prep with a group of friends and play it in no time. It's especially great for new, nervous, or casual roleplayers, too. Just about anyone can play the Hard Lessons. I know it has a lot of great potentially for a very small game, and it's a great way for APON Games to cut our teeth on getting projects like this one to fruition.
So hopefully I'll be able to move past the imposter syndrome soon and bring the ashcan layout to completion so I can move on to setting up itchfunding, marketing, and getting the game ready to release. Thanks for reading, and I hope these little thoughts help!