HOW BEST TO RESPOND TO A BULLY, PLUS NO MORE POND HOCKEY
In this issue of the Reader, your cutting-edge correspondent ponders the best ways to respond to a bully in the White House bent on annexing the neighbours, checks out a class photo, and is told by a letter-writer not to be so damn lazy.
This week: a 5-minute read
51ST STATE? LET’S PUT AN END TO THAT
We’ve all read or heard about Donald Trump’s bullying threats to make Canada the 51st state (Canada with 41 million people on equal footing with Wyoming, population 580,000, each getting two senators? Yeah, that’s democracy in action.) Yet as a topic of conversation, Trump’s musings have pulled out of the Station of Bad Jokes and headed for the Depot of Bad Ideas Taken Seriously. Trump is even championing Wayne Gretzky for governor, like that’s ever gonna happen.
So what to do? How do Canadians respond in a way that’s, well, Canadian?
A Globe and Mail columnist, Cathal Kelly, had a thought. Instead of Gretzky, how about another hockey player, one with more of a reputation for, er, mixing it up. He suggested Toronto Maple Leafs’ president Brendan Shanahan. “Smart, presentable,” he wrote; someone who could usher a fellow like Trump into an empty room for a “man-to-man talk, yanking his shirttail out of his pants, pulling it up over his head, turning him around and giving him a few shots in the face. Not enough to do any serious damage, but enough to put an end to this 51st-state stuff.”
Kelly goes on, suggesting the Detroit Red Wings’ Steve Yzerman could also be a good choice, with that flat stare of his, leaning over a desk, daring Trump to call him ‘governor’ one more time. “Just say it. Say it again.”
Snicker.
Still, to my mind, do we need a hockey player when a former prime minister will do just as nicely? Take Jean Chrétien, who administered the Shawinigan Handshake on protester Bill Clennett in Gatineau, Quebec, back in 1996. Chrétien is 90 now, but still fitter than the corpulent Trump. I’d like our prospects for Trump quickly deciding our trade agreements are just fine, thank you.
THE 1970S ARE BECKONING
Just had to show you the pic below, sent to me by wistful reader Jim Slomka from Burlington, Ontario. Jim was, a half-century ago, a classmate who thought I might recognize the guy on the far right (geographically, not politically) in this class photo from the communications program at Mohawk College, 1972. The young woman keeping me close was the indomitable Brenda Hetherington, whereabouts today unknown. However the guy on the far left next to the blond woman might be recognizable to readers of the Woodstock Sentinel-Review, Windsor Star and for many, many years the Toronto Star where he was best-known as the environment reporter and later a senior editor. It’s author, avid curler, and alert reader Brian McAndrew.
NATIONAL TRADITION SINKS
Speaking of ancient Canadian history, if there is one wintertime activity that lingers in the national imagination, it’s skating on outdoor ponds, creeks, and backyard rinks. Well, in one Ontario town, we’re sad to report that’s no longer the case.
In Caledon, northwest of Toronto, the Palgrave Pond has for generations provided the locals with a place to sit on a makeshift bench, lace on the skates, and go for a spin. One guy, Ken Hunt, has been taking care of the ice-making pretty well by himself for the past 20 years. He even jerry-rigged a Zamboni to providing regular flooding.
Well, bureaucrats at the Toronto and Region Conservation Authority have put a stop to that nonsense. Depictions of pond hockey may be on the back of the new $5 bill, but skating is no longer available at Palgrave Pond. “No activities on the ice will be permitted,” the TRCA boss told the town council. Changing climate and fluctuating water levels provide the official excuse, but that sounds like a fresh load, if you know what I mean.
The townspeople have started a petition, but they’re up against a team of actuaries armed to the teeth with liability tables, so we know how that will turn out.
MORE ‘DEAR TERRY’ LETTERS
Re ‘Reflections on Nick and Large,’ Dec. 22. Hi Terry. Your newsletter references to Terry Jones and Cam Cole reminded me of my radio days. My fondest memories were covering curling with the likes of Ray Turchansky (whose spot-on mimicry of Wild Bill Hunter always had me in stitches), Con Griwkowsky, Stormin’ Norman Cowley who is from my hometown of Canora, Saskatchewan, and whose dad was my mom’s manager at the Bank of Commerce, and Murray Rauw the Rauwzer who taught me a lasting lesson about writing: if you’re trying to be funny, leave no doubt. Roger Millions was a TV guy but another good one. Dean Millard. Rob Tychkowski. Barry Strader. And the fun I had at my only Scotties Tournament of Hearts in Charlottetown with Perry Lefko, Darrell Davis and Bill Graveland. Have a safe, peaceful contented new year. May we all find reason to smile. Tom Pura, Grande Prairie, Alberta
Re ‘’Jenny The Cat Forecasts Titanic’s Fate,’ Dec. 15. Terry, I enjoy your writing immensely. Yet I think I speak for many other subscribers when I suggest your newsletters are too short. Six minutes! Lord knows you have fuck all to do with your time in retirement than entertain your many readers for six measly minutes a week. Write about your beloved Oilers. Write about living in a climate unfit for humans. Give us your novels serialized, à la Dickens, Thackeray, Hardy, and so on. I’ve read them all but would love to read through them again in weekly 30-page lumps. In short, don’t be so fucking lazy and think a little more about the rest of us who want a little more every Sunday. Personal regards. Walter O’Rourke, Fergus, Ontario
Ed. Note: I’ll think about it.
If you want to drop me a note (and risk me publishing it here), just reply to this email or, if you prefer send it to mysundayreader@gmail.com.
ECONOMICS FOR MILLENNIALS
“The grand tragedy of my life is that I could make infinitely more money if I were merely, like, 30 per cent more of an asshole than I currently am.”
Daughter and writer Carson McConnell in her newsletter Brick Through a Window
AND FINALLY …
Again, we dispense with the shameless plug this week and instead offer this Moment of InspirationTM to guide you into the New Year.
Remember, if you want to look through past newsletters, just hit the “Archive” tab at the top of this page. See ya next week. / T.
Please note: Artificial intelligence was not used in the preparation or writing of any part of this newsletter.