FORESHADOWED. FOREWARNED. FOREARMED. CANADA FIGHTS BACK
Vol. 1, No. 35F
In this edition, your vigilant correspondent uncovers a plan by the Canadian military to use a secret weapon to defend our country against the Yankee hordes.
This week: A 2-minute read
IF THE YANKS BRING IT, WE’RE READY
A heretofore secret link in the armour of the Canadian army’s continent-wide defence against invasion from the United States has been brought to light, and its revelation might just be in time.
My Sunday Reader was alerted to this development thanks to the efforts of faithful reader Ivor E. Tauer at the University of Barrhead in Alberta. Professor Tauer unearthed the evidence from a secret cache he found under a bridge over the Athabasca River at Fort Assiniboine, Alberta, near Barrhead. The cast-iron box, said the professor, was labelled “Secret Cache.”
“I was skeptical at first,” he said, “but the evidence was compelling.”
Particularly compelling was the photograph above, taken in 1921 outside one of the bunkers in the Yellowhead Pass. Presented with this evidence, Canadian Forces personnel had little choice but to confirm its legitimacy. Moreover, one senior officer admitted the torpedoes are still in place—not just in the Yellowhead, but in the Kicking Horse and Crowsnest passes as well.
“Those railroad torpedoes are armed and ready,” said Gen. Hamilton Burlington of the Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry in Edmonton. “We just have to make sure they’re pointed the right direction when the Yanks come for the CPR. We wouldn’t want to torpedo Kamloops by mistake.”
According to Gen. Burlington’s assistant, Major Ben Dover, here’s how the torpedoes’ mission, titled Operation Poisson d’Avril Lavigne, would work. In most all of the U.S. Army’s military operations, railroads are employed to quickly transport heavy vehicles such as tanks, trucks and armoured personnel carriers across great distances. However, as they enter the tunnels through the Rockies, a Canadian surprise will be waiting. “Damn those torpedoes,” said Major Dover.
When apprised of the Canadian army’s new secret weapon, the new Minister of National Defence Tabarnak de Calisse was ebullient. Said the minister: “Les Americains would be April fools to come after us now!”
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That’s it till Sunday. / T.
© Terry McConnell, 2025
Please note: Artificial intelligence was not used in the preparation or writing of any part of this newsletter.