🧯 How to Handle Tension Without Blowing Things Up (Start With Curiosity)
Hello Hello!
While researching today’s topic, I had a moment where I thought: “Am I really about to write about something I struggle with?”
And the answer was… yes. Because we’re all here to learn, and I’m constantly working on improving myself too.
In meetings, I don’t always have the calmness or presence of mind to pause and think before responding. Most of the time, I go into autopilot and just react.
And that doesn’t always lead to the most thoughtful conversations.
But here’s what’s helped me: watching how great communicators handle conflict.
I really admire my manager and the leadership team where I work. They have this way of slowing things down with a simple shift in language.
- “Help me understand this…” — That’s my manager’s go-to phrase.
- “Help my little brain understand this…” — That’s a line one of our execs uses often, and while it’s light and self-deprecating, it works. It invites clarity, not defensiveness.
I’ve learned a lot just by observing how they talk. They’re not avoiding conflict — they’re navigating it with curiosity and intention. That’s a skill I’m working on every day.
If you want practical ways to do the same, today’s newsletter is for you.
Enjoy,
— Aderson
🧯 How to Handle Tension Without Blowing Things Up (Start With Curiosity)
Ever feel that tight, awkward silence in a meeting after someone disagrees? Or that moment when something goes wrong and you want to ask “What were you thinking?!” — but instead… you say nothing?
“How do I bring up a conflict without making things worse?”
That’s the question I get a lot. And here’s the truth: You don’t need to be aggressive. You don’t need to avoid it either. You need to get curious.
When tension shows up, curiosity is one of the most powerful tools you have. It lowers defenses. It opens doors. And it leads to real conversations that actually solve things.
3 Reasons Curiosity Helps You Handle Conflict Better
- 🧠Curiosity Helps You Understand the Why
- 🛑 It Slows You Down Before You React
- 🗝️ It Makes the Other Person Feel Safe Enough to Talk
🧠Curiosity Helps You Understand the Why
Here’s the problem with most conflict: we assume bad intent.
- “They ignored the spec because they’re careless.”
- “She cut me off in the meeting on purpose.”
- “He’s blocking my idea just to be difficult.”
But more often than not, people have reasons — context you don’t know yet.
Starting with curiosity sounds like:
- “Hey, I noticed the spec wasn’t followed — what was your thinking behind that?”
- “Help me understand your concern with this approach — I want to make sure I’m seeing it from your angle.”
You’re not letting them off the hook. You’re just opening the door to a better explanation than the one your brain created.
And that’s where the real resolution starts.
🛑 It Slows You Down Before You React
When conflict hits, it’s easy to jump into defense mode — especially in fast-paced teams.
You might interrupt. You might fire back. Or you might shut down completely.
Curiosity is your pause button.
Instead of reacting, you’re observing:
- “What might they be trying to say that I’m not hearing yet?”
- “Why is this issue important to them?”
- “Am I reacting to the words or the tone?”
This mental shift puts you back in control. And when you’re calm, you communicate better — period.
🗝️ It Makes the Other Person Feel Safe Enough to Talk
Let’s flip the script: Have you ever felt attacked during a disagreement?
That tight feeling in your chest? That instinct to defend or shut down?
That’s exactly how others feel when we lead with blame or sarcasm — even unintentionally.
Curiosity softens the edge. It signals: “I’m here to understand, not to win.”
And that makes the other person more likely to open up, listen, and find a way forward.
It’s not about avoiding hard truths. It’s about creating the conditions where those truths can actually be heard.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need to be loud to be assertive. You don’t need to avoid conflict to be nice.
You just need to approach it with a little more curiosity and a little less assumption.
Try this the next time something feels off:
Instead of “Why did you do that?” Say “Can you walk me through your thought process?”
Personal Updates
- 🤖 Testing a new AI tool for coders called Augment Code - https://www.augmentcode.com/ - It works as a plugin to VS Code and everybody in the company is raving for it!
“Curiosity will conquer fear even more than bravery will.” — James Stephens