The Hidden Light
I have been dreaming for years about ancient mysteries and mythologies. I have worked hard to stop overanalyzing the dreams and to journal instead. Even if years go by, sooner or later, some triggering experience, feeling, dream or encounter brings back one or more of these dreams like a puzzle that has no beginning or end, a slow revelation of secrets.
I have experienced the hard way what “dark night of the soul” means in my life. There were truths I did not want to see or face about myself or the world, but my path has been such that ignoring or not seeing these truths was not an option. I used to wonder why other people got to live such normal lives not wondering about these things or having to go through it. In one spiritual reading years ago, I was told that it is an honor to have a life like this. I would not wish it on my worst enemy, except I am finally through enough of it that I can start to see and feel glimmers of the hidden light. The light is not like anything I have experienced before. Words do not do this conversation justice. Sometimes after one of these experiences, I wake up crying, completely overwhelmed, knowing that I was just touched by Grace. For a reluctant spiritualist and recovering Catholic, this is no small thing. It is interesting how similar the intensity of grief and this level of unconditional love feel. In some of these dreams, there is resolution to old grief, mountains of wounds all layered on top of each other. In dreams like this, I feel the grief and then the release, with a knowing when I wake up that something amazing and profound just happened.
Now, I have paid for every type of healing there is trying to make sense of these dark night experiences that went on for so many years. I have meditated and taken many spiritual classes. I have repeated mantras. I have willed on the rising of the kundalini for the clearing that needed to happen only to be disappointed and poorer from all the money I spent. So far, the kundalini experiences I have had were not timed by me. They were not experiences I expected. I am realizing that my dreams have been about this slow awakening for a long time. I just did not recognize them as such at the time, but I look back at them now in wonder. They were just not experiences I could rush. They were in God’s timing, not mine. It does make a difference to recognize this as it is helps to know you are not crazy. There is nothing wrong with you even if it seems other people are making more progress than you are on your spiritual growth. It is not a race.
I paid for a spiritual reading recently and the reader blew it off for months. In my life, this is nothing strange. I thought “here we go again.” Months later, she surfaced with a message from her spiritual guides saying it was time to honor her commitments and to not let these people down. However, instead of the personal reading I expected, it was a group reading that felt more like an ancient mystical text or scroll that I had to decipher (again, nothing weird in my life). One of the key messages from that cryptic reading was that “I was a daughter of the hidden light.”
Of course, if that light is hidden even from me, how do I make sense of this message? However, I am finally starting to understand the comment from years ago about the blessing of a “Dark Night of the Soul” life. Liberating my trapped life force energy (which I call “Pan and Syringa”) is very connected with what people understand as the kundalini awakening. This awakening has been painfully slow for me, and the experiences have been so different than what I expected based on what I learned from the many healings and classes I have had.
If you already easily speak to your spiritual guides and journey out of body, you may even think you have no “awakening” left to do. Most of the time, that is not true at all. Sometimes it can even get in the way of healing the tougher issues that lurk around the lower chakras of your energy body. I feel these days that I was born without my spiritual gifts for a good reason. There was no real way I could walk away from healing my traumas from this life and other lives, those traumas that separated me from my soul, higher self and from life itself. Also, it is hard to feel grounded and hang around ordinary people when you are flying away every second talking to angels or zipping around in space and time (but thank goodness I still have my wild dreams).
As spirit knew how hard my lessons would be, I feel they gave me visions of what my return of my life force would eventually look and feel like. When spiritual people talk about awakenings, I typically get uncomfortable instead of hopeful. I feel that most of my soul is already in the higher dimensions, so why would I rush to leave? What is wrong with life anyway? The vision from this dream was about a level of human embodiment I could not imagine or understand at the time. I was not floating on a cloud with wings drinking angel nectar for a job well done. I was deeply alive, but no longer afraid or alone.
I did not know it at the time that this was a future vision of what the kundalini energy would look and feel like for me. I did not really understand it, but I do know it was beautiful.
About 5 years ago I had a dream about a beautiful little blond boy who lived in a small stone cottage. I went through the door of the cottage and saw the boy lying on a couch. He was a very special boy. He had guardians all around. I would describe these guardians as older, wiser grandmother types. When I walked up to him, he had my face. He was around 8 years old, forever young, in the sense he had a glow about him, but he was still a human boy in the dream. He seemed excited to see me and asked me if brought him some fruit (I love fresh fruit or maybe it was some funny reference to a return to the Garden of Eden in a metaphysical sense). I do not have kids in this life. I could not have them for medical reasons. I said to the grandmother guides, “I have a son!” And then I started to cry with feelings of a joy I have never felt before. When I woke up, I was still crying, knowing in my heart that this special little boy was real and also a part of me.
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