November 6, 2024

Replacing worry with care

I woke up today as a 35-year-old, and found in myself a deep well of wisdom and an abundance of the level-headed competence we expect of all people old enough to be elected President of the United States. I also have lots of updates to share since the last edition of this newsletter, so I will attempt to catch everybody up and maybe spread some calm while I do it.

First, the news! We welcomed our second daughter, Lily Anne, to the world last week on October 29th! She surprised us, and maybe she surprised herself a bit, too, because she wasn’t quite ready to tackle life on the outside. Five hours after she was born, we were transported to a hospital with a NICU, where she has graduated from respiratory support and is now focusing on eating. Once she can go 24 hours without her feeding tube, we will be able to bring everybody home and start life as a family of four. (Oh, and Mama Szuyin is doing well, too! So well that I often forget to mention her in my updates. She is a powerful woman and I remain in awe of her efforts during labor, delivery, and recovery.)

Early Wednesday morning, I rode along with Lily to the NICU, and spent the night worrying about her. Every alarm from her monitors, every visit from a nurse or tech or doctor, every little change in her breathing brought a new spike of worries for me. The constantly-updating number that shows her blood oxygen level wanted to absorb my attention and feed my fears. Worry and fear feel urgent, but, over long periods, they are hugely unproductive. I have been acutely reminded of how useless it is to worry, and how hard it can be overcome.

The nurses and doctors make their jobs seem routine as they keep Lily on track. Mom is there, providing her love and nourishment. The hardest work is left to Lily: she is the one who grows herself strong enough to come home. The only thing that seemed left for me was the worrying.

But I have found an antidote to worry: care. Lily needs a large amount of care right now, and I am qualified to provide some of it. I can take her temperature, change her diapers, adjust her blankets, and replace her pacifier. I get to hold her and sing to her when she fusses.

As far as any of those things count for her growth and recovery, I suppose there’s medical value in bringing down her heart rate and respiratory rate and letting her rest. So, soothing her is important. I think, though, that these little opportunities to care for her have been more useful to me and my health.

So, for all of you, my friends and family, if you find yourself overwhelmed with worries right now, I encourage you: find somebody who could use a bit of your care, and give it to them. Even if it’s a small thing, and even if the person is yourself. Caring beats worrying.¹

This past week has been a real test of my response to anxiety, worry, and fear. Just like using care to replace worry, I have found it to be true that gratitude displaces anxiety. I have continued my daily practice of writing down three good things to remember and appreciate. I hope you all can find a little time to reflect on things you’re grateful for, as opposed to those that stress you out. I like to write mine down right before bed.

My family has had so much to be grateful for recently: excellent care at the birth center and NICU, a fairly routine prognosis for Lily, support from PoPo (Grandma), a caring two-year-old big sister Toby, and a lot of overall flexibility to weather the storm.

Thank you to everybody who has sent us kind words and support! We are part of so many different communities, local to us here and spread out around the country. As we settle into a new routine in this next phase of life, I hope to strengthen those connections and give back as much as we can.

Thanks for reading, and mahalo for caring!