I don’t think I want to be a streamer anymore.

Or at least, I don’t want to be just a streamer. Let me explain!

I started streaming a long, long time ago. I’m a pre-panini streamer so I am a dying breed. I’m so old that my first encounter with Twitch was back when it was still Justin.tv, watching Marvel vs. Capcom 3 pre-launch day (‘cause people got it UR-LAY!) tournaments streamed with a camera pointed at the screen. I didn’t use it much back then. I started college, I met some of my lifelong friends, and many of those lifelong friends were into something called League of Legends. I was firmly back on consoles at that point in my life, having not touched a PC game since I weaned myself off of World of Warcraft to save my mortal soul (and my mortality in general). And even though I was not a player of that game, for a long time, my life revolved, to an extent, around League of Legends. 

It was through League’s e-sports scene that I discovered Twitch, and more importantly it was where I discovered Hearthstone since that was what pros tended to play while waiting for matches at high ranks. Hearthstone completely took over my life for a good few years. I played from beta until about The Witchwood. I watched streams, I watched YouTube, I followed the pro scene, all of it. Around that time I also took part in a regular podcast for the first time, after a summer of trying YouTube as a lark and a break from my day job at the time, which was in social media.

My videos were cringe but I enjoyed the process. The growth guides and gurus of today weren’t really a thing yet so I was feeling my way around and just posting in my spare time, not really reflecting. I didn’t understand how any of it worked. I simply enjoyed recording and creating. The podcast was going well, work changed but was still work, and life just kinda pottered away happily for a while.

My life got really busy for reasons outside of my control. My health started to decline and I sort of…buckeled, is the word, I think. Amidst all that, I started streaming. I gave myself an excuse by saying I was practicing my hosting skills for the times the regular “main” host couldn’t do the podcast. And I definitely enjoyed streaming for a couple of months. I hung it up at the end of 2018, telling myself I needed to get serious. It…didn’t really pan out that way.

Daily life continued to get more strange, just as the world did. The pandemic changed everything for me. I was split from my family for the longest time that had ever happened. The world became downright scary. I remember hearing about COVID on the BBC World Service over Christmas 2019 and thinking to myself “boy I sure hope that all works out okay”. My favourite game at the time was The Division 2. I’ve never been able to revisit it because the vision of a frozen in time world ravaged by plague was too real at the time. It still feels raw today. So, I decided I was going to be a “full-time streamer” until the world got back to normal. Well, neither of those two things happened in the way I wanted.

I had to uproot my whole life on short notice after the last lockdown (and I was also basically homeless for a bit). I’ve been here four years this summer. It still doesn’t quite feel like home. I feel like the proverbial “blow-in” and I think because of the way Ireland works, that I will always feel that. I look at the Ralseis, ClioAite and the others on my sofa and think “Is this it?” Or is what I have the peace all warriors strive for, and can I do better now?  

So, I started streaming to gain the skills to excel in other pursuits. Along the way, streaming became the main thing in my life. And maybe after so long, it’s finally time for a change for me.

I have started work on what I’ve dubbed the Super Secret Side Project, and if you know me, you probably know what it is. I ask that you keep it a secret (it’s in the name) and don’t go digging. Let me find my way. Let the sacred algorithms do their work! If it all works out, I’ll buy you all pints. Or Pokemon cards or whatever you would prefer!

I am very much not bitter about streaming either! Only bitter about my own pig-headedness to keep partying long after the purple fairy lights of Twitch had faded. To invert a meme, I don’t recognise my club anymore. Still, it strengthened my friendship with my best friend. I made a real difference to many people through charity. And I met so many wonderful, incredible people that I wish I could take each one for a coffee (and maybe a nice cake!) and tell them the difference they’ve made to me on sour days. 

I don’t want to be a streamer anymore. I want more.

How dare I want more, right? 

Anyway, quick look over what I’ve been enjoying this last month!

• 2000 AD. Very strong month for the Prog. The highlight being John Wagner’s last-ever Dredd story Death of a Judge. It’s been way more twisty and turny than the sombre affair I expected but the world of Mega-City One has never been one for playing it straight. We know that a Mega-Epic is soon, but how we get there is the fun part! As far as the other strips, Herne & Shuck is fantasticly darkly funny and well worth your time and Judge Dee is macabre, intense, fascinating stuff. As far as other comics, next on the docket for me that isn’t 2000 AD or the thing we’ll talk about next is DC x Sonic the Hedgehog which has been recommended to me a lot, so I have the trade ready to go.

• I’ve gotten very much back into Star Trek lately! I think I’ve been searching for a little bit of hope and Star Trek even at the franchise’s worst (hello Section 31! You were truly dreadful and it takes a lot for me to say that) imagines a humanity that can overcome our differences and reach for the stars. I’ve been bouncing between old and NuTrek, TV and other mediums while really looking forward to the release of the Voyager game in a few days. I also want to recommend the comic from IDW that just ended. I’m most of the way through the run and I’m fully gripped as to what happens next as I start the Lore War finale, a crossover between the main series and Star Trek: Defiant (where Worf leads a Starfleet covert-ops team based out of the titular ship). After that I’m planning a full watch/rewatch of Lower Decks and then diving into those comics.

• I haven’t been watching much wrestling lately but what I have seen of AEW TV has generally been very good. The current world title situation where you have multiple guys trying to get a 1v1 match with the champion and not doing any multiman bollocks is extremely refreshing. I’m excited for Tommaso Ciampa in the company. He looks motivated and ready to be in the mix, and clearly they think the same since they’ve already put the TNT title on him. Other than that, I would definitely start to like watching a match or two a day again.

• As far as gaming I’m all over the place atm. I think I successfully burned myself out on Forza Horizon 4 and 5. I still love the feel of the driving but I need to pace myself before the release of 6. Nothing much else has gripped me. I tried getting back into Destiny 2 but I am thoroughly overwhelmed and also peeved that you can’t play through the currently available content in a sensible order without gimping yourself in terms of gear. Haven’t played Fortnite in ages and nothing has really lured me back as far as gameplay. Experimenting with Arknights Endfield and while I’m oohing and ahhing at the presentation, it all feels a bit hollow and you can feel the gacha mechanics all over even more than my beloved Honkai Star Rail. I feel way more squeezed to spend money already. Not sure if that’s my brain or the gacha mechanics or both. I’ll keep going! I’ve also been thinking about trying to add Deadlock to my rotation as I do have access but I don’t think the controller support is great and I worry about my arm holding up while playing a keyboard and mouse game for a long time.

Alright, that’ll do it for this month. This month my goals are to keep working on the secret project, dip my toe back into streaming with a smaller and more sensible schedule and maybe try and fit in some Oscar contenders amidst all the sci-fi I’ve watched lately. March is a huge month for me since it’s charity month so I need some prep time for that too. Until next time!

I’ve been SeanShards, and I can do this all day.