To The Nines

I’m turning thirty-nine in two weeks and I’m not sure how I feel about it. 

I’ve never been a fan of the nines, age-wise. No one who is nineteen, for example, feels, acts, or gets treated like they are still a teenager. And at twenty-nine, your worldview, preferred bedtime, and skincare routine is more likely to resemble those of a thirty-three-year-old co-worker than a twenty-three-year-old sibling, but you get lumped in with "twenty-somethings" anyway. The closer I’m getting to thirty-nine, I’m realizing it, too, will try my patience. 

The nines, to me, are like waystations, places to pause and check your map before pressing ahead. This isn't a bad thing. Transitional periods are eras I look at with great interest. I love seeing how Point A turns into Point B. Maybe this is why my favorite Beatles album is Rubber Soul, or why I like being an editor so much. First drafts are Point A and the completed novel is Point B, and I get to map out all the stops in between. 

When it comes to enduring a transitional period in my own life? Well. I’m not a patient person. 

The way I make life decisions is akin to the way Hemingway once described going bankrupt (or the way John Green described falling in love) - slowly, then all at once. I’ve been known to stay too long at dead-end jobs, wait around for doomed relationships to “get better,” or feel a general sense of loyalty to things large and small that no longer serve me. 

That said, once I decide I’m done with something, it is more or less out of my mind forever - immediately - to the point where I get confused and annoyed if any part of it lingers. “That’s still a thing?” is something I say in my head a lot, whether it’s about a person I thought I never had to see again, someone mentioning a TV show I stopped watching, or, currently, an entire decade. 

When I was in my twenties, as many who knew me during that time will remember, I was annoyingly excited about turning thirty. A large part of this was because I felt “done” with my twenties somewhere around twenty-six or twenty-seven, and I do not like waiting. Another part of it was due to the sexism and ageism within the industry I worked. Publishing is keen on rewarding “wunderkind” white male assistants while women of the same age are sexualized, infantilized, have their expertise questioned, and get told “maybe next year” until they finally have a nervous breakdown or leave the business altogether. Being young and petite and a woman in publishing was mildly traumatizing and I was very eager to move to whatever new stage turning thirty would lead. And I’m happy to say it led me to some wonderful places - a career pivot, a life partner, a reclamation of my creative side, and a confidence that the frantic nature of my twenties would not have allowed me to find. 

When I say I don’t know how I feel about turning thirty-nine, I guess what I mean is I feel satisfied. I feel ready. I didn't accomplish everything I thought I would, but I learned I don't need to put expiration dates on my goals. My thirties were what twenty-something-me wanted them to be. It was the decade I figured out who I was and let myself become that person. It was the decade in which, despite spending my teens and twenties feeling like I was running out of time, I realized how young I still am. I loved my thirties, and a big part of me is sad to see them coming to a close. But long goodbyes get tiresome, and I’m eager to see what comes next. 

FUN STUFF

What I'm Reading: Our Wives Under the Sea by Julia Armfield

What I'm Watching: Daisy Jones & the Six

What I'm Listening To: Aurora by Daisy Jones & the Six (of course)

What I'm Eating: This chicken adobo that lasts for DAYS
 

Sarah Writes Too is a free monthly newsletter of short personal essays written by me (Sarah LaPolla). To send me questions or comments about my posts, you can reply to this email or find me on Twitter at @sarahlapolla. The best way to show support for this newsletter is to subscribe, share posts you enjoyed on social media, or, should you feel moved to do so, leave me a tip by clicking the icon below. Thank you!