The Scarier Thing

About five years ago, maybe longer, I had the idea to write a memoir about Italian American identity. Mine, specifically, that is. And possibly not even capital-I Identity so much as my personal connection to my culture, my relationship to my hometown, and my sense of self. (Because who am I to speak for an entire culture encompassing an array of experiences?)

I first admitted to having this idea in 2022 in an essay called The Scary Things, and then never mentioned it again (via newsletter, anyway). The idea itself has been around for longer. It would not be an exaggeration to say these thoughts have been on my mind in some form or another my whole life, but it’s taken something resembling an actual shape in recent years. Or, more accurately, an amorphous blob of a shape. Until now, it’s only existed in my head.

The idea of this book terrifies me and I’m not even sure what it is yet. Will it become an essay? Is it a book? If so, should it be a straightforward memoir, or is it more than that? Could this meeting have been an email? Perhaps. I have no idea what all of these thoughts in my head will amount to, if anything at all. I just know they can’t live in my head, crashing into each other, anymore. 

So, this month I did something even scarier than admitting to an idea. I took my first step toward writing it. Starting, for now, with making a list of research material and outlining my personal essay topics. It’s a small step, but a significant one. I named the new document “Research for Memoir” and, upon clicking “save,” my body physically reacted. I had a pit in my stomach almost instantly. I kept going and wrote down other authors I plan to read, places I’d like to go. Still not one word of what might actually become my own book has been written, but I feel excited.

I’ve never had a visceral reaction to starting a new writing project before. This is what they mean when they say “write what scares you,” I suppose. And by “they,” I suppose I mean me. This is the feeling every editorial professional, myself included, tells aspiring authors to lean into.

So here I am, leaning. 

Not sure what will come of it, but it’s long past time I gave myself permission to find out. 

FUN STUFF:

What I'm Reading: All Fours by Miranda July

What I'm Watching: The Pitt (HBO)

What I'm Listening To: Dodie - Not For Lack of Trying (album)

What I'm Eating: frankly, too much cheddar popcorn