Adulting Toward Bethlehem

Yesterday I saw an article about Millennials who were born in 1990 feeling ready, finally, at 34, to buy their own home and “be an adult.” The article referred to them as “Peak Millennials.” I’ve seen versions of this article before, always about Millennials reaching their 30s and just now thinking about houses and babies, except the Millennials in those articles were about me and my fellow early- to mid-’80s babies. The “Elder Millennials,” if you will. My first reaction to the Peak Millennial article was “good for them/us.” My next reaction was “we’re still using houses and babies as benchmarks for adulthood?”

Compared with our parents' generation, Millennials have had financial setbacks beyond our control on the road to adulthood so that, yes, hitting certain milestones in our mid-30s does seem like a late start. I wish there were more articles about how a silver lining to that is the collective realization that the whole “marriage, baby, house by age 28” is a relic of the past we should be happy to leave there.

The fact that such a narrow definition of adulthood has lasted as long as it has explains why I see so many posts from 30- and- 40-somethings “not wanting to adult today” or lamenting “adulting is hard.” Usually they’re referring to the admin - taxes, needing a paycheck, meal planning, errands. Being an adult is, in essence, quite tiring sometimes. But it’s also pretty great. A more accurate, and inviting, definition of adulthood can be “creating the life you want for yourself on your own terms and finally having the tools to get yourself there.” It would make a lot more young people excited about becoming an adult rather than terrified of it. And even the sub-heading, “there are realities about money and paperwork that are less fun, but it’ll be fine,” won’t seem so daunting. 

A conversation with the Gen Zer in my life, my stepson, that comes up a lot lately is the concept of participating. He’s new to adulthood and trying to find a path that makes sense for him. Before he left for college, my partner and I told him he’ll find his people. Now that he’s there, we try to point him toward places to find them. It’s not intuitive yet. There’s a reality to Gen Z that can be hard to remember, which is that a defining characteristic of their generation was spending their formative years in isolation. Like Millennials and our “multiple recessions and unregulated student loan interest” in our twenties, this won’t be easy for Gen Z to simply shake off once they reach a certain age. It’s hard to tell someone “go find your people” when they spent part of their childhood being told to stay away, don’t engage, use your screens as your shields. 

Being an active participant is a path to adulthood I had taken for granted. Ironic in retrospective as I remember all the parent-teacher conferences where my mother was told, "Sarah needs to participate more." But I had been. I just didn't know I was. When true isolation hit everyone all at once, even an introvert like me was pushed to my limits. My “adulthood accomplishments” like a job, decent apartment, and long-term relationship remained intact, but my actual growth had become stunted. (Arguably, it's what this entire newsletter was based on in the first place.) It became obvious that all those other parts of being a person, the parts we’re told are perks-not-necessities in order to be a functional adult, were what we should have been prioritizing the whole time.

I've been seeing this realization hit more and more people in my life in recent years, and I love it. Whether it’s turning a passion for dance into a legit side hustle, taking pottery or cooking classes just for fun, using the money saved from not having babies to travel the world, or (in my case) joining a choir and becoming part of a community I would have never met otherwise. Extracurricular activities, friends. There is no age limit and they are worth doing. (And would lead to way fewer “mid-life crises,” if you ask me…)

The other night, while his father was out with his new Dungeons & Dragons group, I told my stepson I was writing something about how people in my life are re-embracing hobbies and joys of their youth. His response was “in a good way?” I said yes, in a very good way. I told him being an adult doesn’t have to mean choosing between two paths and leaving the rest behind. He looked skeptical. The old definition of adulthood persists, alas, but hopefully not for much longer.

My hope for Gen Z is that they never have to read tired articles about themselves buying houses when they’re 35 as if that makes them late bloomers or some sort of cautionary tale. My hope is that the definition of adulthood evolves with them, and, in the meantime, to see more posts from my peers that boast, “Adulted so hard this week - took a painting class, went to a new museum exhibit, and had a three-hour brunch with my best friend” and not have them be said with irony.

FUN STUFF: 

What I'm Reading: The Book of Love by Kelly Link

What I'm Watching: Inside No. 9 (BritBox)

What I'm Listening To: Oldies

What I'm Eating: Birria tacos from my local taco truck

Sarah Writes Too is a free monthly newsletter featuring short personal essays by me (Sarah LaPolla). The best way to show support is to subscribe, share posts you liked, or leave me a tip. You can also find me on Bluesky at @sarahlapolla.Thanks for reading!