The Ghosts That Linger
From an older version of my brain, to yours.
First things first!
Thank you thank you thank you to each and every one of you who replied to last month’s Musings with a heartfelt note of support. I sent back a reply to every person individually, but if you sent me a note and never heard back, please hit Reply to this email and give me a chance for a re-do! (As a matter of fact, you can always reach me re: this newsletter by replying to any edition of Musings, from right in your email.)
What many of you said in those lovely messages, is that you appreciate my honesty. I’m really glad to know that. Along with kindness, honesty is foundational to who I am, and it brings me joy to know that so many of you see me. Thank you, my friends, truly.
What haunts us
When I pondered the concept of ghosts and hauntings in Lola Starke’s alt-history world, I ended up focussing on intimate relationships (romantic, sexual, and otherwise) and the nature of grief. At that time, I wasn’t interested in writing horror stories; I honestly didn’t think I had it in me. (More on this later.) I was intrigued by the awful phenomenon of someone unable to let go of a loved one who’d died. I wondered what sort of haunting that sort of someone might welcome.
As a writer, one of the most powerful emotions I ponder and study and manipulate on a regular basis, is regret. If only I’d said something. If only I’d kept my mouth shut. If only I’d been more patient. If only I hadn’t been so timid. There are so many different variations on this theme, and every single one of them can end in tragedy or triumph, or some bittersweet mixture of both.
In real life, I once spent an entire year emotionally reliving a mistake I thought I’d made, re-imagining the situation and how it could’ve been if only I’d made different choices. It took me months of agonized second-guessing before I realized how harmful it was, how deeply I’d spiralled into despondency, self-doubts, and poisonous regrets—how irrational I’d become, wishing to change something that was irrevocable.
As a writer, though, I love thinking about how to twist my characters’ best intentions into their worst choices. I love figuring out how to extricate them from ethical or moral quicksand of their own making. I relish the challenge of delving into their worst behaviours, and fishing out redemption.
Anyway, Halloween has me thinking of scary things. And while I do love a great, terrifying (fictional) monster, there’s something kind of darkly, terrifyingly alluring about regret to me. Whether we feel it fleetingly or endlessly, regret tempts us into reliving our worst moments, tricking us into a strange fugue, the delusion of “If only…”.
The cold truth is, there is no going back. We can only live forward. There are probably people reading that who feel I’m being callous in saying so, and so bluntly, too. Please know that I hold compassion for anyone who remains unwilling or feels unable to leave their regrets behind. It’s hard, friends, I know. I’ve been there, too—innumerable times.
I guess, I see this way of ‘being haunted’ as a normal part of being human. There’s never been a person alive who didn’t feel regret about something important to them. I can’t know that for a fact, but I know it instinctually. Regrets can haunt any one of us, for as long or as painfully as we let them.
If there's one thing we can take from reading or watching a fictional character grappling with regret, though, I think it’s that we need to learn to live with our mistakes, with the ghosts of the choices we didn’t make. We need to own our hauntings, acknowledge the tether we braid to bind those ghosts to us. We need to choose whether to tighten the knots, encouraging those ghosts to become ghouls leeching our vitality, or whether to cut clean through, and let it all unravel into the past.
How about some Joyful Things next?
Okay, so I am now an unreserved fan of Leverage (2008)! Not only does just about every episode make me laugh at some point, but 22 now watches with me regularly. I cherish our silly time together, so, so deeply. 💗
Though I never read The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison, I just started reading the spinoff Cemeteries of Amalo series, which begins with The Witness for the Dead. Absolutely luscious worldbuilding, and I’m enjoying the mystery and character building as well.
I ❤️ Public Libraries! I have enough physical books in my home for at minimum triple the number of shelves I own—don’t judge lol—so library ebooks have been an utter gift these past few years, especially for my wallet. Plus, I get to sample books without pressure, like I did with The Witness for the Dead. When’s the last time you checked out your local library?
I’m nurturing the freedom to DNF books. Life’s too precious to be bored with a book, friends.
News and such…
I had a blast on The Incomparable Mothership’s Mystery Recommendations episode! Even if you don’t listen to the podcast, the webpage has a loooong list of recommendations from our panel of avid readers. Click through to check it out.
If all goes to plan, I’ll be taking part in an upcoming episode for SFF book recommendations soon, too. I’ll post the episode when I can.
My debut on The Skiffy and Fanty Show was a little bumpy, but I think (hope?) we managed a fun episode anyway. If you’re at all interested in Geeky Collectibles, please have a listen at the link.
So the suspense novel is off to Agent Lauren, and I’ve started noodling on a new book. Some of you may recall I said it would be my second romance novel…
Welllllll, for an entire boatload of reasons, I haven’t been able to muster up what I need to help my characters fall in love.
So I’m writing a horror novel instead! A scifi horror novel, to be exact. A gory, splashy one. With themes relevant to *waves hand at current state of our world*
I guess you could say, I’m working out some stuff with this one.
Oh, there’s just one more thing...
I’m starting a podcast of my own!
Interviews with our fave awesome people on the things they geek out about. I’ve literally had the idea for this podcast for 9 years!
Special shoutout to Erika Ensign, whose encouragement and podcasting expertise have been key in getting me to finally commit! I’m in the setting things up stage right now, so more details to come. 🤓
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