Shoulder Season
From an older version of my brain, to yours.
That In-Between Feeling
Did I ever tell you I used to work in the travel industry?
It was literally decades ago, but I still think of October as “shoulder season,” that time between the travel high seasons of summer and winter, in the northern hemisphere. (November can kind of be included, too, but it depends on when the snow falls.)
For me, as well, this month portends the annual arrival of something I’ve lived with since I was a teenager: Seasonal Affective Disorder.
To be honest, this is the first year I’ve admitted that to myself. I usually argue it doesn’t start until November. But when I reflect on it, that argument never ends well for me. Because instead of starting treatment now, I grin-and-bear-it for more weeks than I need to.
And the treatment that works for me is totally straightforward. I work with my “light book” on, a bit every day. It’s a small portable device with an array of little full-spectrum bulbs. I position the light book so the bulbs face me. I turn it on. I work at my laptop. Simple, right?
So why is this the first year I’m breaking that bad boy out in October?
I think a lot has to do with internalized ableism. I definitely grew up in a culture that still regards any sort of malady or disease or chronic condition as a failure of character. As something to be blamed on weakness in a person.
Did you think I meant Chinese culture? Yeah, that culture, too. But I meant “western” society, here in Canada, and in the United States and in Europe and and and...
I haven’t done an exhaustive survey (ok, or any kind of survey), but I think ableism is the norm in a lot of cultures in the world. Maybe it’s to do with an ancestral, universal human aversion to “disadvantages,” injuries or conditions and such that make physical survival harder, in times long past when survival was even more difficult to achieve.
Many people with so-called “invisible” disabilities, including me, occupy in-between spaces all the time. We don’t look like we need accommodations in ableist environments, even when we might. We sometimes think we don’t seem “disabled enough” in disabled environments to warrant the extra care we might need, either. We also, many of us, function at a high level, one that looks like “normal” aka abled.
Some people with neurodivergence use the term “masking” to describe how they’ve learned to appear neuro-typical. I think many people like me have learned to do similarly to handle ableism. We grin-and-bear-it in public until we can take care of ourselves in private. Sometimes, that self-care is only half-assed, too, because we’ve ‘masked’ too long in public to have the energy to do a proper job.
I brought up my Seasonal Affective Disorder, I think, because it’s the least serious of my conditions, and it’s fairly easy for abled people to understand. Ie., that the decreasing natural light levels impacts my brain chemistry; my serotonin levels decrease and I’m at risk of depression; this happens every single year.
There’s a reason I avoid giving away too much about my chronic conditions. I don’t want to play “oppression Olympics.” I don’t want to be defined solely by my disabilities. Which is a thing that often happens with ableism. Even from well-meaning, big-hearted people.
So let me leave you with this to ponder:
Internalized ableism can make it harder for us to care for ourselves. Externalized ableism makes it harder for society to care for everyone.
I’m not naive enough to believe we all just need to clasp hands and sing around the campfire together to solve our societal ills. My friend Kim says stereotypes and prejudices are stories that other people have put in our heads. I think ableism is one of those stories. The extent to which we’ve each internalized that story may be different, but we can start—and continue—uncovering it in ourselves at any time. I’m definitely learning as I go. I hope you’ll join me, wherever you already are in your own learning curve.
The Q&A Corner
Ooooh, a juicy one from Danielle M-C.:
How do you handle writerly FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) on professional development opportunities, community events, author readings, paid gigs, etc?
The struggle is real, friends! Authors are so often left to manage our own marketing and promotions, and I think we feel that pressure to be on top of every single opportunity that might possibly be relevant. I’ve definitely fallen into that trap.
But honestly? It’s impossible to do everything, to attend everything, to be everywhere.
Nor do I want to. I have only so much time outside of writing. I have only so much energy. (See above.)
So I prioritize. Writing—the actual act of writing—and my family have to come first. Those two are always at the top of my list. Finances also come into play, to be honest, since I don’t make a ton of money from writing (yet! lol).
Sometimes, I’m lucky and I get to do something that’s also really fun and interesting. (Like the Humber College mentoring position.) But there are so many times I’ve felt not just FOMO, but left out. I find that the absolute worst.
Still, those are normal human emotions. And this business of publishing is hard enough without borrowing trouble.
So I guess the answer is, I give myself space to feel my feelings and then I crack on with the things I know I want and can do. I spend my time with the people who mean the most to me. I work on my creative projects. I remind myself to be patient and open, kind and generous.
The rest? Tends to work itself out, one way or another.
Thanks, Danielle!
Lovelies, you can send me questions for the Q&A Corner by replying to this newsletter directly or by using the link below.
Ask Me Anything: publishing, writing, baking, cooking, movies, books, TV shows...it's all up for grabs. Even questions that get sparked by one of my answers. What strikes your curiosity? Let me know!
~ In Other News ~
I hit 45k words on the WIP! I’m a little worried about my writing time, with Surrey coming up next week and a stack of family-related errands. I would love to get to 60k by Halloween. That seems reasonable, right? Right? Please send positive vibes!
Speaking of Surrey... Please say hi if you’re attending! I’ll be in a light pink N95 mask. *winky face* Please check out the online conference if you can’t make it in person. Last day to register is Oct. 17th.
One Book, One Community events for IN THE DARK WE FORGET are up! I’ll be live in Athabasca on Saturday November 9th, for two events. I’m thrilled to see they already held a community ‘book club’ event last week. I might have to winkle out some details from the organizers..!
Oh, there’s just one more thing...
Sometimes, self-care looks like making jam from berries picked from my backyard in August, and frozen for a rainy day. #SmallJoys from a couple of weekends ago...
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