Pod Song #4
🧜♀️🧜♂️ Greetings Salties! 🧜♂️🧜♀️
Welcome to our fourth Pod Song!
Welcome to our fourth Pod Song!
Each newsletter is called a “Pod Song” — a weekly blend of fic extras, lore, updates, and pure Meir'ha'dun chaos.
I would like to start by thanking you all for checking out the website and being the pioneers of our pod. We have now reached 57 members! 🥳🥳🥳
After a rather heavy chapter, this week we've got a lot to sing about:
- 🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist: The Calico and crew board Butt-Crack Santa's boat and almost drown (introducing new minor characters!)
- 🏛️ Law & Order: NSFW (Newly Seduced, Flailing Wildly) Vol 2: The Text Thread hijacked by Carlisle and Charlie (will be referenced in future chapters)
- 👩👧 Where The Water Can't Reach Me by Renee Higginbotham (Crucial insight for future chapters)
- 🏡 Esme’s Eternal Design Digest: Vol. 1: *Home Improvement Tips for the Undead*
- 🗓️ All website updates so far and future plans: Brand new page on website that will give insight to future chapters!
Photo by Pelican, licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.
🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist
A dramatic retelling of one cat’s secret mission to end climate change, save the Meir'ha'dun, and earn Charlie Swan’s grudging respect... before being tragically shot and microwaved by Bella.
Phase Three: Vehicle theft... was painful.
Phase Four: Demonstrate feline sneakiness.
Objective: prove my worth as apex predator and potential Swan Pod recruit.
Method: follow Sea Mammal undetected, accompanied by the entire crew.
Recruits for the mission are The Feline Intelligence Division (F.I.D.) — Special Ops Team "Whisker Six", including Agent Tabby and myself:
- 👑 Supreme Overlord God-King Fluffinius the Immaculate — Lazy Persian
- 🕵️♂️ Agent Wrinkle-7 — Sphynx (convinced she is invisible)
- 🪖 Tank Commander Sir Chonkums III — Scottish Fold (once got stuck in a Pringles can)
- 🐆 Clawstriker — Bengal ("Mini‑Leopard Trainee")
Surveillance by Agent Tabby confirms: Sea Mammal visits the coast daily to resume natural form and every Thursday meets a human identified by Sea Pup (aka Bella Swan) as Butt‑Crack Santa.
Target status: on high alert. Territorial in water.
Vulnerability rating: LOW.
Step One: Team preparations
Clawstriker brought a chew toy for stress. Lazy Persian brought himself and judgment (a win). Sphynx attempted to become invisible by not moving. Tank Commander required assistance exiting a glass jar.
Agent Tabby presented locations and questioned my plan.
We traveled to Butt‑Crack Santa's den to locate the vehicle. The human was unaware as we climbed through an open window (Lazy Persian demanded to be carried).
Step Two: Infiltrate boat
The human is not a dog person. Clawstriker distracted him by performing peak adorability; Butt‑Crack Santa demonstrated human inferiority by cooing. We boarded and hid under towels, all while lugging Lazy Persian.
Partial success: Agent Wrinkle‑7 refused to hide on principle (she is invisible). Clawstriker, still kitten‑sized, struggled to board; Tank Commander pulled her up undetected.
Once at sea the human anchored and waited for Sea Mammal's arrival.
Subsequent mission issues:
— The human accidentally sat on Lazy Persian; he hissed and retaliated with claws.
— Butt‑Crack Santa's screaming attracted Sea Mammal; a terrifying breach alarmed Clawstriker, who jumped off the boat.
— I volunteered to rescue our trainee — and promptly began drowning, remembering I cannot swim.
As I paddled, Clawstriker clung to me. Sea Mammal breached slowly, revealing a giant, inhuman form, clicked at us, and opened a jaw far wider than expected. Fear response caused accidental defecation as Clawstriker screeched.
Meanwhile Tank Commander Sir Chonkums III launched a full assault on the human with Agent Tabby's help. Sphynx and Lazy Persian remained motionless due to delusions and laziness, respectively.
Sea Mammal scooped us into one giant hand, deposited us in the boat, glowed, and made loud clicking noises at Agent Tabby and Tank Commander, who stopped attacking and hid.
Result: Sea Mammal shifted into a human form and assisted Butt‑Crack Santa, who had claw injuries.
Countermeasure: None. Sea Mammal dried Clawstriker with a towel and clicked a stern warning.
Mission result: Back on shore, the human threw boots at us; Lazy Persian was booted. No tuna was given.
Respect status: Sea Mammal was shocked to find us at sea. Respect earned.
Conclusion:
Drowning is unpleasant. Sea water is disgusting. Do not recommend. Sea Mammal remains defiant to the Tuna Accord — and watches us closely.
I will plot my next attempt.
— Codename: Calico 🐾
Each week, new intel from the only living cat bold enough to poop for peace. But she no longer plots alone. 💩🐾
Can tuna diplomacy and claw-based negotiations bring the Sea Mammal to heel?
Stay tuned. Stay out of the sea. 🐟
Photo by Lisa Briggs, licensed under CC BY 2.0.
📱 Law & Order: NSFW (Newly Seduced, Flailing Wildly), Vol. 2
In the criminal justice system, the innocent are terrorized by two equally chaotic forces:
Bella Swan, who just discovered the power of sexting,
And Edward Cullen, a 104-year-old virgin with a Nokia 8910i and no defenses.
The victims include: The Cullens, local wildlife, and one emotionally overwhelmed Nokia.
These are their stories.
🔔 DUN DUN 🔔
📂 Case File: EXHIBIT B — The Text Thread Hijacked by Carlisle and Charlie
Date: February 28, 2005 – 2:57 PM.
Location: Cullen territory, family hunt
Vehicle: None; Silver Volvo S60R in hiding
Supposed protagonist: One Edward Cullen (just entered romantic relationship, mentally unwell), plus five unconsenting and confused vampires, and one smug coven leader.
Participants: Alice (unable to foresee incoming tragedy), Emmett (flexing), Jasper (suffering), Rosalie (preening), Esme (passionate), Carlisle (wincing, actual protagonist).
📱 Bella: Hey. Miss you, Star. Could use a hug right now.
📱 Edward: Are you recovering well? What are you doing right now? Tell me what you need. — Edward.
📱 Bella: I'm actually by the river at the back of my house. We're skinny dipping.
Edward: Freezes mid-run.
Jasper (violently hit by emotions): "Oh no!"
📱 Bella: I'm out here with King Kong, he came over. He's cheering me up and improving the view.
Edward: shakes in jealous rage.
Emmett: “DUDE, THERE'S A MOUNTAIN LION RIGHT THERE.”
Jasper: “He's gone, let's leave him behind.”
📱 Bella: That's how I met him if you remember. Don't worry, he knows I have a boyfriend. It's just nice to share a normally taboo hobby with someone.
Rosalie (leaping on deer gracefully): “Put the phone away, Edward. You can just message her later.”
📱 Bella: Are you busy? I don't want to bother you. We can message later. Perhaps one day we can go skinny dipping? If you're comfortable of course.
Nokia 8910i (distressed beyond its T9 capabilities): If he's comfortable? Does she even know this vampire?! This is a waste of my time. This is—
Esme: “Edward, dear? Are you messaging Bella? What is she saying?”
Carlisle: “Perhaps we should leave him be, dear, I sense another breakdown is imminent.”
📱 Bella: You're not answering, you must be busy. We'll text later? I'm gonna hang out with King Kong, and find a measuring tape. That'll cheer me up. I need to know.
Edward's internal monologue: I must answer. I can't lose her. Not to some human male with bigger... genitalia than myself.
Alice (fighting a headache): “Your future is gone. I hate how she makes everything look weird.”
Emmett: “Give me your phone, I wanna read!”
An intense fight broke out between Edward and siblings. Hissing and cursing was recorded, including a few cross words from Esme. A face-palming Carlisle remained silent.
Emmett (having successfully acquired Edward's phone): “Oh my God, you guys, Bella is with King Kong and they're both naked!”
📱 Bella: Dad just got home and almost drove the cruiser into the house when he saw how big it is. He's gone to get measuring tape.
Rosalie: “Perhaps she's realized she can do better. Good for her.”
Another fight broke out between Rosalie and Edward. Siblings picked sides. Esme tried to break it up. Carlisle rescued Edward's phone.
📱 Carlisle: Good afternoon, Bella. Patron Saint of Hot Doctors here. Edward is currently unavailable. From a strictly medical perspective, I must know the measurements you acquire. For science. Also: Italy’s standing record has held since 1709, and I’d like to see it fall.
— Carlisle.
Edward (losing dramatically, currently in headlock): “Carlisle, don't give her ideas, please! I don't— what is that? What happened in Volterra?!”
📱 Charlie: Hey, Carlisle, Charlie here. King Kong was embarrassed but agreed to measure himself in exchange for pancakes. Exactly 9 inches! Bella is swooning. Also drooling. You must tell me about this Italian adventure of yours some time, Carlisle. Sounds scandalous. And I'll tell you about "The Kraken". — Charlie.
Nokia 8910i (glitching): WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?
Edward (flailing): “WHAT HAPPENED IN VOLTERRA?!”
Final Result: Edward was tossed head first, crashing into four trees and didn't get up. Carlisle continued to text Charlie without a word for 20 minutes, smirking, making Edward and Jasper wince from mental and emotional context. Entire family was traumatized.
Justice was not served. Edward was.
Carlisle is still texting Charlie.
Bella just enabled picture messaging.
The Nokia is asking for death.
🔔 DUN DUN 🔔
📝 Filed under:
- Endangerment of Virgin Vampire (mental)
- Crimes against Vampiric Decorum
- Use of T9 texting as a weapon
- Flirtation with Intent to Disarm (Carlisle?)
- Italian record remains undefeated (unknown vampire)
- Edward screaming "WHAT HAPPENED IN VOLTERRA?" was recorded and is now Emmett's ringtone.
– End Dispatch
Image in Openclipart, licensed under Public Domain.
🗂️ Where the Water Can’t Reach Me by Renee Higginbotham
From the private records of Renee Higginbotham. Written from January 10 until February 20, 2005. Not to be read by Bella and Charlie.
This week, we go deep — to the pages Renee never meant for anyone to read.
The next chapter drops in two days and I wanted to share a glimpse inside Renee’s head.
The woman hasn't been heard from since a week after Bella moved in. She said she was going to travel, send silly postcards and enjoy herself. Bella believes her mother is free from her.
As always, unfortunately, it's never that simple.
This is part of the extended lore.
📖 Preview:
February 10, 2005 — Entry 9
Bare feet slapping wet pavement, baby Bella clutched to my chest — she’s crying, or maybe I am. My arms ache. My lungs burn.
The air smells like seaweed and salt and metal, and they’re always right behind us. Government men. Clipboards. Sedatives. The hum of a van engine.
The crackle of radios.
⏱️ Read time: ~8 minutes (link to a Google doc)
Photo by Gerald Geronimo, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
🏡 Esme’s Eternal Design DigestVol. 1: *Home Improvement Tips for the Undead*By Esme Cullen — Architect, Matriarch, and Expert in Reinforced Upholstery Hello, my darlings. 🛋️ This Week’s Theme: Living with Emotional Vampires
Pro Tip: Every undead household should have at least one discreet, tasteful escape hatch. Not for emergencies—just for when family meetings involve three screaming immortals and someone’s Nokia is on fire again. 🪞 Ask EsmeDear Esme, Dearest Doomed, Final Thought:
Eternally yours, |
🪩 Editor’s Note from Alice CullenHi, hi! Alice here. Yes, Esme is amazing, BUT:
Text me for design emergencies, vampire or otherwise. |
🗓️ Updates and plans
💻 The web page Cullen Chaos has been updated!! 🥳
With a sub-page called The Swan Files (next to Edward's Tuna Recipes). It's got all the Cullen's theories (minus Esme who refuses to speculate) about what the Swans could be. 🧐🤫
Want to know what their guesses are so far? Go check it out!
🗺️ Map has been updated with Port Angeles locations!
🔗 All links in all the Pod Songs have been improved to automatically open new tabs instead so you don't lose this page. 😮💨
Next Pod Song:
- 🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist: Memo #005/#010. The Feline Intelligence Division stalks the Cullens. 🧛- 🏛️ Law & Order: NSFW Vol 3 – Bella continues to break Edward and everyone around him. 🫣
- 💄 Alice Cullen’s Bite Style: Next week, Alice talks about preparing her shopping trip with Bella, an unknown creature who could be a serpent. 🐍
- 🕵️ 💥 BRAND NEW!💥 Cullen Think Tank: Each week, the Cullens share their discussions about their Swan family theories. 🔍
Next week: The Cullens discuss snake theories. 🐍
Based on The Swan Files, and will be available on the website once all Cullen Case Files have been published here.
Some things may be subject to change depending on planning.
Columnists to appear (randomly) in future Pod Songs:
🧜♂️ The Meir'ha'dad Files – How to be human according to Charlie.
💘 Edward’s Love Bites – Relationship advice from a 100-year-old virgin.
💄 Alice Cullen’s Bite Style – fashion advice with a psychic edge.
🛋️ Jasper Hale’s Therapy Hotline – emotional support you didn’t ask for (and don't need).
🩺 Carlisle’s Clinic – Medical advice from someone who’s been a doctor since before penicillin. Side effects may include immortality and unwarranted adoption.
🏡 Esme’s Eternal Design Digest – Home improvement tips for the undead.
🔧 Rosalie’s “Girls, Grease & Grudge Matches” – Got a dead engine? She’s been bringing Corvettes back to life since the ’30s.
💪 Emmett’s Prank & Bulk – Workout routines, bear wrestling techniques, and pranks that may or may not be legally actionable.
Another big thank you for reading Saltblood, taking the time to check out the website and being pod pioneers. It means so much to me! See you all Sunday! 👋
Thank you for being here — this world wouldn’t exist without you. 🌊
With love,
Your pod leader,
— Masterofall14