Pod Song #3

**The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist:**

                October 10, 2025

            Pod Song #3

             🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️ Greetings Salties! 🧜‍♂️🧜‍♀️
 Welcome to our third Pod Song! 

Each newsletter is called a “Pod Song” — a weekly blend of fic extras, lore, updates, and pure Meir'ha'dun chaos.

I would like to start by thanking you all for checking out the website and being the pioneers of our pod. We have now reached 49 members! 🥳

We now qualify as a Family pod, much like the Pacific pod! 🧜🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️
This week we've got a lot to sing about:

- 🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist: The almost successful carjacking of the cruiser.

- 🏛️ Law & Order: NSFW (Newly Seduced, Flailing Wildly) Vol 1: The Text Thread That Almost Killed a Volvo

- 🛋️ Jasper Hale’s Therapy Hotline:
Vol. 1: “Why Is He Emotionally Unavailable?” (*And Other Questions I Can’t Answer Without Screaming*)

- 🗓️ All website updates so far and future plans.

  Photo by Pelican, licensed under 
  CC BY-SA 2.0.

🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist
 A dramatic retelling of one cat’s secret mission to end climate change, save the Meir'ha'dun, and earn Charlie Swan’s grudging respect... before being tragically shot and microwaved by Bella. 

TOP SECRET – OPERATION TUNA TRUCE

Memo #003 — 10th October 2003

Phase Two: Combat Readiness Display... was satisfying.
Phase Three: Demonstrate feline intelligence.

Objective: prove my worth as apex predator and potential Swan Pod recruit.

Method: steal Sea Mammal's police vehicle.
Surveillance confirms: Sea Mammal often leaves the driver's window open during lunch due to a lack of nosy neighbors.

Target status: unaware. Believes I am stupid.

Vulnerability rating: HIGH.
Step One: Infiltration

  Entry executed via open window. Closing the window proved challenging due to awkward angle and limited leverage. Persistence prevailed — the window is now shut, silent and secure.
Door-locking procedure engaged with a precise button-press-and-paw-push combo. Confirmation: all doors locked.
Step Two: Ignition Attempt

  Initial attempts hampered by lack of opposable thumbs. Coordination of paws and teeth was suboptimal. Adapted by clinging to the steering wheel with hind legs and employing front paws for key rotation.
Partial success: keys turned, but triggered a horn blare. Sea Mammal appeared at window and shouted species-related insults through the glass.
Subsequent accidental activations:

  — Windscreen wipers

  — Headlights

  — Alarm system

  — Police siren and flashing lights (panic mode)
I hissed defiantly as the siren wailed; Sea Mammal looked genuinely shocked.
In a final display of improvisation, I meowed directly into the vehicle radio. The dispatcher’s reply — confused and alarmed — registered as: “Unit 12, identify yourself?”
Under pressure and refusing surrender, I enacted Phase Three: Defiant Depository. Maintained extreme eye contact while leaving excrement on Sea Mammal’s seat, asserting feline sovereignty.
Result: Sea Mammal revealed superior strength — and smashed the window with fist.

  Countermeasure: pepper spray.
Mission Result: unable to escape due to intense pain and stinging eyes. Sea Mammal proceeded to launch me across the lawn by the scruff of the neck and fling my own excrement back at me.

  Respect status: Sea Mammal expressed shock at my ability to start the vehicle. Respect earned.
Conclusion:

  Pepper Spray is painful. Do not recommend. Sea Mammal remains defiant to the Tuna Accord — now keeps the vehicle window closed.
I will plot my next attempt.
— Codename: Calico 🐾

Each week, new intel from the only living cat bold enough to poop for peace. 💩🐾
 Can tuna diplomacy and claw-based negotiations bring the Sea Mammal to heel?
 Stay tuned. And keep your windows locked. 🐟

  Photo by Lisa Briggs, licensed under 
  CC BY 2.0.

 📱 Law & Order: NSFW (Newly Seduced, Flailing Wildly), Vol. 1
 In the criminal justice system, the innocent are terrorized by two equally chaotic forces:
Bella Swan, who just discovered the power of sexting,
And Edward Cullen, a 104-year-old virgin with a slider phone and no defenses.

The victims include: The Cullens, local wildlife, and one emotionally overwhelmed Nokia.

These are their stories.

🔔 DUN DUN 🔔

📂 Case File: EXHIBIT A — The Text Thread That Almost Killed a Volvo
Date: February 26, 2005 – 4:42 PM.

Location: Highway 101, heading south at a irresponsible 68 mph

Vehicle: Silver Volvo S60R

Occupants: One Edward Cullen (driver, just entered romantic relationship, mentally unwell), plus four unconsenting vampires

Participants: Alice (passenger), Emmett (rear seat), Jasper (suffering), Rosalie (preening).
  📱 Bella: Hey, it's me :) Miss you already. Can't wait to see you tomorrow. Flash my ankles at you ;) 
 📱 Edward: Hello, Bella. For the record, I am not Victorian. I was born in the Edwardian era and grew up during the Great War. Although, I would not find your ankles displeasing. — Edward.
  📱 Bella: Oops, History was never my strongest subject. So if you're not into ankles, what do you like? Shoulders? Cleavage? ;)
 Edward's internal monologue: Focus. The road. White lines. Trees. Physics. Morality. Newton's Laws. Celibacy. Think of the Treaty. Think of Carlisle. Think of—
  📱 Bella: Or would you like me to be more hands on? Kissing with tongue? Nibbing your earlobe? Not for science. For pleasure.
 Edward: swerves wildly into the shoulder.
 Rosalie: “WHAT THE—EDWARD.”
 Emmett: “DUDE, DID YOU JUST HYDROPLANE OVER A CURVE?!”
  📱 Bella: *Nibbling. Oops XD 
Jasper (clinging to seatbelt): “He’s radiating horny confusion. My brain’s a damn mess. Pull over or I swear to God I will jump from this vehicle and roll into traffic.”
  📱 Bella: I don't want to fry your brain. What would happen if you saw me naked? 
 Nokia 8910i (distressed beyond its T9 capabilities): This is inappropriate. This is illegal. This is unfair. This is—
Emmett: “Is he sweating?? CAN YOU SWEAT???”
 Alice (grabbing the wheel): “Do I have to drive? Is this where we’re at?”
  📱 Bella: Wait. Are you reading this while driving? Edward. My star. Please don't crash. I do not want to explain to my father, the Chief of police, that you totaled your Volvo over because you were texting while driving.
 He will get involved and leave you inappropriate voice mails. Involving metaphors, dad jokes and tips that will have you fleeing to Alaska. 
 Edward: “I’m fine.” (snarls aggressively as Alice steals his phone.)
 Jasper (trying to smother Edward's emotions): “You just turned into a traffic hazard with a boner.”
 Emmett: “God, I hope she marries you. This is hilarious.”
  📱 Alice (texting Bella): He just missed the turn. Congrats. He’s a mess. – Alice xx
Rosalie (hissing): “DON’T ENCOURAGE HER.”
  📱 Bella: A mess? Did I give him another erection? Wow. Good thing I avoided talking about nipples. 
 Final Result: Edward drove 3 miles past the driveway in flustered silence, then parked behind a gas station and screamed internally for seven minutes. Siblings were traumatized. Car was unharmed. Dignity was not.

 📝 Filed under:

Vehicular Endangerment (emotional)
Crimes against Vampiric Decorum
Use of T9 texting as a weapon
Flirtation with Intent to Disarm
 – End Dispatch

  Photo by gdcgraphics, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons

☎️ Jasper Hale’s Therapy Hotline
Vol. 1: “Why Is He Emotionally Unavailable?” (*And Other Questions I Can’t Answer Without Screaming*)
By Jasper Hale, Civil War veteran, emotional saboteur
Welcome, troubled souls.

You’ve found a hotline no one asked for — but Lord knows most folks could use. Today’s topic? That emotionally unavailable man you keep tryin’ to save.
Now, I hate to be the bearer of hard truths, but he ain’t mysterious, sugar. He’s a walkin’, talkin’ emotional pileup — all brake lights and bad decisions — and you’re the poor soul stalled right in the middle of it.
Q: “Why doesn’t he open up to me?”

    A: Darlin’, that boy shuts down faster than a saloon at sundown. Last time someone asked him how he felt, I reckon he dug a metaphorical trench and hasn’t come out since.
 Every time you say “We need to talk,” he starts hearin’ Civil War cannons in his head and goes ghost.
Q: “He never calls me. He just texts ‘nm u?’”

    A: Well now, that boy’s idea of communication is barely more advanced than smoke signals. He don’t call ‘cause he knows if he hears your voice, he might start feelin’ things he ain’t ready to face. That “nm u?” — that’s his version of a love letter written in invisible ink. Bless his heart… he’s tryin’. Badly.
Q: “Is it bad that he made me a playlist but won’t look me in the eyes?”

    A: That playlist is his emotional support carrier pigeon. Can’t say the boy knows how to speak his truth, so he’s lettin’ Bon Iver and three sad Arctic Monkeys songs do it for him. If he won’t look you in the eye but sends you music? He’s either confessin’ love or causin’ psychological warfare. Or both.
Q: “He seems... haunted?”

    A: Haunted? Honey, that ain’t a vibe — that’s a diagnosis. That stare of his? Looks like he’s seen ghosts, made friends with ‘em, and then betrayed ‘em all in a past life.
 You’re not datin’ a mystery; you’re courtin’ a man who treats eye contact like a war crime and silence like a weighted blanket.
Q: “But when he hugs me, it feels like he means it?”

    A: That’s ‘cause he does. That boy’s runnin’ on three emotions and a blackout, but when he puts his arms around you, he’s usin’ every ounce of energy he’s got left to say what he can’t with words.
 Hugs from men like him? That’s a full damn sonnet. Just... don’t expect Volume 2 anytime soon.
Bottom line?

    He ain’t avoidin’ emotion ‘cause he don’t care. He’s avoidin’ it ‘cause feelings hit him like a freight train — and he’s been standin’ on the tracks since 1918. If you’ve got the grit to stand beside that kind of storm? Godspeed. But pack a raincoat and a playlist of your own.
Wait just a minute... Hold up. I’ve been answerin’ all these questions and I’m startin’ to realize — every last one of ‘em sounds mighty familiar. "Doesn’t talk"? Check. "Sad playlist"? Double check. “Looks haunted while huggin’”?
 That’s Edward. Hell, Bella — if you’re readin’ this — you’re not just datin’ an emotionally unavailable man. You’re datin’ a marble statue with abandonment issues.
— Jasper 💀

    Emotionally ghosted since 1863. I survived the Civil War but not one group therapy session. Draw your own conclusions.

💅 Editor’s Note from Alice Cullen
Hi! It’s Alice. Just a quick note:

Jasper is not licensed, trained, or emotionally qualified to be giving anyone advice.
He once ghosted me for 28 years until we met in Philadelphia in 1948. I married him anyway. Make of that what you will.
If you are experiencing an actual emotional emergency, please call Carlisle. He has multiple degrees and basic compassion, unlike certain Texans.
I did not approve the “haunted stare” comment. He does that to everyone. It's not romantic. It's clinical.
If you're dating someone who won't hug you properly? I will rearrange their fate. Or their closet.
Text me. I’ll fix your life. Or your bangs. Probably both.

xo,
Alice 🌟

🗓️ Updates and plans
🥴 I haven't been very well this week, so the website updates have been delayed. I figured the newsletter and next chapter were the priority.

💻 The web page Cullen Chaos will be updated with new information next week instead.

Next Pod Song:
- 🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist: Memo #004/#010. The Calico almost drowns. 🤿

- 🏛️ Law & Order: NSFW Vol 2 – Bella continues to break Edward and everyone around him. 💣💥

- 🩺 Carlisle’s Clinic: Next week, Carlisle talks about the fascinating biology of the Swans, who seem to possess bioluminescence, as seen when Bella was attacked in Port Angeles. 👀🌈

Some things may be subject to change depending on planning.

⚠️ Friendly Housekeeping Note!

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for reading and supporting this story. I wanted to share a few quick things that might help you get the most out of the journey:
• About Charlie, Bella, the Cullens, the Quileute Tribe, and the Meir’ha’dun:
This story explores a world where these characters are good-hearted, complex, and deeply caring. Like any sentient beings, they’ll have morally grey moments — but if you’re looking for darker or villainous versions of Charlie, Bella, or the others, this probably isn’t the story for you. That said, I hope you enjoy the path I’ve chosen to tell.
• Plot and Requests:
The story is mostly plotted out, so I’m not taking requests for major plot changes or new fics right now — I really need to stay focused and finish this one! I’m always happy to consider character interactions or smaller ideas, though I can’t guarantee they’ll make it in.
• Comment Policy:

I love hearing your thoughts and insights — they truly help shape this world! I also welcome reader theories and speculation, as long as they stay grounded in the tone of the story and what’s actually present in the text or tags.

This is a story about care, connection, and healing — even when things get intense — and I try to keep the comment space aligned with that spirit.

Due to personal reasons, I may not be able to respond to every comment — especially those that feel distressing or stray from the tone and themes of the story, or contradict the tags, as they can be stressful to manage.
 I appreciate your understanding as I work to keep this space positive, manageable, creative, fun and welcoming for all readers. 💙

• Thank You:
Your enthusiasm and kindness make this project possible — I’m so grateful for every reader, commenter, subscriber, bookmark, and kudo.

Another big thank you for reading Saltblood, taking the time to check out the website and being pod pioneers. It means so much to me! See you all Sunday! 👋

Thank you for being here — this world wouldn’t exist without you. 🌊

With love, 

Your pod leader,

— Masterofall14

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The Pod Call

Pod Song #3

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️ Greetings Salties! 🧜‍♂️🧜‍♀️ Welcome to our third Pod Song!

🙀 The Short Ninth Life of the Lawn Terrorist

📱 Law & Order: NSFW (Newly Seduced, Flailing Wildly), Vol. 1

📂 Case File: EXHIBIT A — The Text Thread That Almost Killed a Volvo

☎️ Jasper Hale’s Therapy Hotline

Vol. 1: “Why Is He Emotionally Unavailable?” (*And Other Questions I Can’t Answer Without Screaming*)

💅 Editor’s Note from Alice Cullen

🗓️ Updates and plans

Next Pod Song:

⚠️ Friendly Housekeeping Note!

🧜‍♀️🧜‍♂️ Greetings Salties! 🧜‍♂️🧜‍♀️
Welcome to our third Pod Song!

Vol. 1: “Why Is He Emotionally Unavailable?” (And Other Questions I Can’t Answer Without Screaming)