✍️ Author’s Note from Bella Swan

(on “Ode to Rosalie Hale’s Sexy Legs”)

So.

This wasn’t the poem I meant to write. Originally, I was trying to write something about Edward. But every time I sat down, all I could come up with were increasingly aggressive stanzas about shoving a dead cat down his throat, which didn’t feel super romantic friendly.

Not that I’m mad. Or hurt.
Okay, maybe a little.

It’s just—when you bring someone a deeply sacred cultural mating offer in a shoebox, and they say no (while looking like an emotionally constipated marble statue as the microwave sparks and smokes), it kind of kills the vibe. So I tried to pivot.

I almost wrote one about Carlisle. He’s… look, he’s objectively the hottest Cullen I’ve met so far. But I’ve already accidentally flirted with him twice (First time I was on morphine and full of bad decisions), and I refuse to become that person.

So instead, I wrote about the second hottest Cullen: Rosalie Hale.

This is not a flirt. I’m not suicidal. It’s appreciation.

Rosalie is the kind of beautiful that makes you forget how to walk. Or breathe. Or function. And I figured maybe writing a poem that admitted my own shortcomings and gave her the respect she deserves might make her hate me a tiny bit less. If not, well… at least Emmett liked it.

For transparency, after Edward said he had no intentions toward me (direct quote, 10/10 would not recommend), I created a subjective hotness ranking of all the Cullens. For boundary reasons.

I’m pleased to announce Edward is #4.

• Carlisle
• Rosalie
• Alice
• Edward
• Jasper
• Emmett (but only because I don’t want to get on Rosalie’s bad side)

Edward is not number one on my Most Awesome Cullen list, either. That honor goes to Carlisle. Again. Because he’s a saint with cheekbones. Emmett is second.

I just want friendship with Edward. That’s all. I’m not trying to threaten him. Or tempt him. Or flirt. I’m tired. Let me write about legs in peace.

—Bella Swan
(poet, threat level: medium, unknowingly heartbroken but literate)

💬 Cullen Family Reactions:

• Rosalie: *“Well, obviously she has taste.”* (Preened for 45 minutes. Made Emmett read it aloud. Thrice.)
• Emmett: *“I would cry but I physically can't. That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard about glutes. Also, she's spot on about the walnut thing.”*
• Edward: *“It’s not important.”* (Blasted so much jealousy Jasper had to physically leave the house.)
• Jasper: *“I swear on my grave—if she writes another one of these, I’m burning it. I don’t trust her. Her feelings are nonexistent... she can't possible feel this much.”* (Still up a tree 3 miles from the house.)
• Alice: *“Okay, but now I have to know what kind of poem she’d write about me. What if it’s about my shoes? Or time? Does she think I'm pretty?”*
• Esme: *“I think it’s sweet that she’s trying to connect. Even if it’s... not about Edward.”* (Clutched wedding plans desperately.)
• Carlisle: *“I wish Bella would stop flirting with my family. It’s becoming a pattern. Especially since she tried to gift me her virginity while high on morphine. But I wouldn't mind if she decided to flirt with Edward.”*

Columnists to appear (randomly) in future Pod Songs:

🧜‍♂️ The Meir'ha'dad Files – How to be human according to Charlie.
💘 Edward’s Love Bites – Relationship advice from a 100-year-old virgin.
💄 Alice Cullen’s Bite Style – fashion advice with a psychic edge.
🛋️ Jasper Hale’s Therapy Hotline – emotional support you didn’t ask for (and don't need).
🩺 Carlisle’s Clinic – Medical advice from someone who’s been a doctor since before penicillin. Side effects may include immortality and unwarranted adoption.
🏡 Esme’s Eternal Design Digest – Home improvement tips for the undead.
🔧 Rosalie’s “Girls, Grease & Grudge Matches” – Got a dead engine? She’s been bringing Corvettes back to life since the ’30s.
💪 Emmett’s Prank & Bulk – Workout routines, bear wrestling techniques, and pranks that may or may not be legally actionable.