Sometimes it’s hard to remember big firsts, because maybe you’ve so surpassed them like 100 times over and don’t even think about them anymore. I can’t imagine I’ll make 100 features in my life (but who knows) but regardless wanted to capture the feeling I have right now, before I watch a director’s cut this week. A director’s cut is the very first cut of the director’s take on the film. I haven’t seen ANY of my movie except clips here and there, so this is a huge deal. Enough to write to my future self, in an effort to capture the feeling as it stands now.

So here is that letter to myself:

Dear Future Rekha,

Hi, it’s me. And I’m currently experiencing a very special time: the time before-you-watch-a-cut-of-your-very-first-feature.

This is the only time you’ll get to fantasize about what the movie still could be as opposed to problem solving what it will be. That is very scary, but also very cool.

Right now, you feel a mix of worry and extreme excitement and heavy, heavy pride.

Not that you need this recap, but here’s the worry: you’re worried the tone won’t be right. You’re worried that your first time carrying a feature will leave a lot to be desired regarding my acting. You’re worried the jokes you wrote won’t play out on screen. You’re worried the story isn’t as meaningful as you wanted it to be. You’re worried the emotional peaks and valleys won’t feel right. You’re worried for the one scene you legitimately cried (you were supposed to be crying but maybe not THAT hard) and if it actually works. You’re worried if this movie isn’t good, you won’t be trusted to make another.

Now, here’s the excitement, because you also get to live in a world of possibility, where you still feel the pure spirit of why you made this thing. What if the tone is what you want it to be? What if there’s moments in there you never planned for but end up being your favorites? What if you’re better at acting than you thought? What if you laugh your ass off? What if the story you wanted to tell DOES come across? What if the movie is good and you DO get to make another?

And now here’s the pride: holy shit. You took an immensely personal story about Thatha and made it into a feature film. You and 4200+ people believed in the story so much it had no choice but to be made into a reality. That is CRAZY. Do you remember when you were in 9th grade and said you had no business being in film school because you didn’t watch enough movies? Do you remember you first day of film school, where you didn’t know what celluloid film was? Do you remember your first sketch you made and put on the internet, that you still to this day find funny? Do you remember the first Kickstarter you did, where you worked yourself to the bone to make just 5% of what you were able to raise for this feature? Do you remember thinking the only South Asian stories “allowed” to be made in the U.S. had to be about arranged marriage and strict parents?

Well look what you did. You and these FORTY-TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE gathered together and made this thing possible. That is a lifetime achievement. That is INCREDIBLE. No matter how the movie turns out, do not forget the power of community to band together and create art. And that you are a part of that community. I am so fucking proud of you.

Sincerely,

Past Rekha

I am relishing this time right now. The sizzle of what could come of the biggest project I’ve ever done. And thank you for joining me for the journey.

Do you ever write letters to yourself? Do they have as many rhetorical questions as mine did? ;)

xoxo,
Current Rekha