December 6, 2024

🤟 How deaf culture taught me to be a better communicator

You don't have to learn ASL to benefit from deep listening and how to be present, inspired by lessons from deaf culture and sign language.

As the year winds down and I spend more time with family, reflecting on annual goals, outcomes, and personal growth, I'd like to share a more personal note about soft skills. Here's the core insight from years of marriage, leading teams and trying to be more present: the most valuable communication skill, I learned from deaf culture. It is simple yet profound—look at the person speaking to you. Listen with your eyes.

I'm married to a deaf woman, and we communicate exclusively through sign language. In deaf culture, closing your eyes while someone is signing (which we still call "talking") is equivalent to covering your ears during spoken communication—it's the ultimate form of disrespect. If you've never practiced this kind of focused attention, it might initially feel uncomfortable. However, when you truly look at someone, you're not just hearing words—you're absorbing their entire communication: their mannerisms, body language, and unspoken nuances.

The beautiful part of this approach is that it fundamentally changes how we process information. As Matt Lerner discusses in "Growth Levers¹", our brains are naturally designed to fill communication gaps with generalizations and familiar patterns. While this can be useful in many contexts, it becomes a liability in conversation. When we're half-listening, multitasking or mentally preparing our response, we're essentially inserting our own assumptions into the spaces we've missed. Thus you aren't listening to another person, you are listening so some hybrid of them and yourself.

Our modern technology, while creating incredible distraction in our day, paradoxically makes genuine listening both easier. We can pause a Netflix show or YouTube video in an instant, turn our full attention to someone, and then return to our previous activity. Conversely, when deeply engaged in a task, it can be too costly to disengage. My solution is straightforward: when I cannot give someone my full attention, I simply say, "I cannot listen right now. Give me a few minutes." Then, I work toward a point where I can interrupt my current activity and provide undivided attention.

Thus, living in a deaf home I offer you two practical suggestions for more meaningful communication, and greater presence in your relationships:

1. Listen with your eyes. This means being fully present and attentive to whoever is speaking, observing not just their words but the whole individual.

2. When you are genuinely not interruptible, communicate that clearly. Promise to engage fully when you can provide complete attention, and then follow through.

This approach has profoundly transformed my relationships, professionally and personally. By treating every conversation as an opportunity for genuine connection, we can move beyond mere hearing into true understanding.