On Suicidal Ideation, Comic Books, and Linkin Park
A post for National Suicide Prevention Month
Content warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation; feel free to skip this post or come back to it. If you or a loved one is having a mental health crisis, you don’t have to deal with it alone. Help is available through resources like Blackline, Kiva Centers Groups, and Wallflower Alliance.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month. As far as I know, this is the first time I’ve been aware of this. It is significant for me because among the mental health issues I deal with, chronic suicidal ideation is one of the least discussed. It’s different for everyone, but for me, it means that I get passive suicidal thoughts at least once a month. Thoughts like, “I’m a burden to my loved ones and they would be better off without me.” I’ve dealt with depression since I was a teen, but I hadn’t experienced frequent suicidal thoughts until 2023.
Last year, caregiver burnout started to take its toll on me. You see, I’ve been a family caregiver since 2013, from my early twenties until now (my early thirties). I’ve been taking care of a parent who I have a complicated relationship with while grieving another parent who died in 2012, on top of getting my bachelor’s and starting my freelance career in 2015.
According to a report on caregiver burnout from AARP, half of caregivers had suicidal ideation during the ongoing pandemic. Although I ended up being one of them, I’ve manage to cope and begin healing by starting therapy this summer with the help of Open Path Collective.
Open Path Collective is a non-profit network that connects people who are uninsured or underinsured with therapists that provide in person and online sessions at affordable rates. While there is also a one-time membership fee of $65, I’ve paid no more than $68 per session, which I’ve been doing monthly.
While therapy isn’t a magic pill that can cure mental health issues, it has given me more coping mechanisms for managing them. Things such as comic books and music.
Recently, I’ve read some comic books that gave me a new perspective on not only my own mental health issues, but also those I don’t have:
Sunflowers by Kezzy Young- a beautiful autobiographical comic that discusses the author’s complex experience with bipolar disorder. Published by Silver Sprocket, it was made available to read for free in honor of World Bipolar Day in March.
From Truth With Truth by Lawrence Lindell- another autobiographical comic book, this one discusses the author’s experiences with growing up Black and queer while dealing with various traumas and bipolar disorder. It’s a story of hurt and healing that I found poignant.
A Haunted Girl by Ethan Sacks, Naomi Sacks, and Marco Lorenzana- Inspired by Ethan and Naomi Sacks’ mental health experiences as father and daughter, this comic book tells the story of a 16 year old Japanese American adoptee with depression who discovers that she is the only one who can stop a supernatural apocalypse. I found this comforting enough to review it for the website for Comics XF, who will publish the review on Monday.
In addition to reading these comic books, I’ve also been revisiting the older work of the band Linkin Park. They are a band that I came of age with in high school and they are a band I occasionally listen to as an adult, even after the tragic suicide of lead singer Chester Bennington in 2017.
When he passed, Hanif Abdurraqib, one of my favorite poets and writers, wrote a beautiful eulogy for Buzzfeed News that captures why Bennington’s death was painful for me and so many:
“It is that my pals maybe made it through a year or two that they might not have otherwise because Linkin Park, and specifically Bennington, kicked in the door to our respective darknesses not to spark a light, but to sit with us for a while.”
While I do have other bands that I love more than Linkin Park now, there has yet to be another band that has validated the myriad of emotions I’ve experienced as a person with mental health issues the way Bennington did with his vocals. He sang like an angel and screamed like a demon to convey both pain and endurance.
One Linkin Park song that has grown on me recently is the Steve Aoki remix of “One More Light”. It still has the solemnness of the original song, but Steve Aoki’s electronic ambience gives it a sense of hope. It is the song that I will end with here, as I keep surviving, living, and finding reasons to smile.
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