A Not-So Hostile Takeover: Eurovision by Laura Jane Diaz de Arce
For the past few weeks, I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out what I could write about in this hostile takeover newsletter swap. I could take the time to talk about my writing and books- but me and Priya share a lot of mutuals and mutual subscribers I'm sure. You can get all that from my newsletter anyway.
And then I was like, do I talk about the interests Priya and I share in pop culture…but she's got that pretty locked up.
But with my Youtube open, it hit me.
EUROVISION
For the uninitiated, Eurovision is the exact nexus between Model UN kids and Glee Club. Once a year, European countries compete for who has the best pop song. And through copious amounts of math and a dubious voting system, one winner is crowned the pop song of the year and France gets to complain for 364 days until next time. What started as a post WWII show of European unity has quickly turned into a (sometimes comedic) spectacle of spectacle.
So for this little newsletter coup swap, I thought I would rank the Eurovision Song Contest winners, from worst to best, of the past five years.
5th: (2019) The Netherlands. Duncan Laurence “Arcade”
I don’t know what it is about the Netherlands, but I am hard pressed to find an entry from them that I have liked*. This is probably the one I have tolerated the most and I still find it grating at times. I can’t tell if it's the sudden change in tempo, or the fact that the lyrics are weak against that chorus. It also doesn’t help that this song became a hit in the US and was also overplayed ad nauseam. 2019 was just a really weak year for entries overall.
4th: (2023) Sweden. Loreen “Tattoo”
ASIDE from the fact that Finland was ROBBED by the judges in last year’s competition, this song is just kind of…mid. It fails to capture the magic that was Loreen’s last Eurovision win, “Euphoria,” which is still a top twenty banger. I mean, Loreen is mesmerizing to watch, but it would kind of get lost in a mix. The lyrics are a little too generic, and while Loreen delivers with some serious power, much of the song is forgettable. While it's got a lot of replay-ability, it totally pales in comparison to last-year’s runner up.
3rd: (2020) Netflix. Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga, “Double Trouble” and “Husavik”
The beginning of the pandemic caused the cancellation of 2020’s Eurovision. And while we will never know who might have won (it would have been Iceland), Netflix was kind enough to release the Will Ferrell and Rachel McAdams movie ode to the song contest. As a Eurovision nerd, I freaking love this film. It’s loaded with cameos from past contestants and full of inside jokes. Even Loreen, this list’s 4th place winner, makes a cameo. And the Eurovision community loves this movie too. It was all over the 2021 competition with spotlights during the show. Blind Channel, the entry for Finland in 2021, held up a sign in the middle of broadcast with “play Ja Ja Ding Dong.” If that’s not pop permanence, then I don’t know what is.
2nd: (2022) Ukraine. Kalush Orchestra “Stefania”
It is an excellent winner, even absent the geopolitics. It’s got a hell of a chorus, Ukrainian rap, and a flute breakdown. Not surprised though, Ukraine does really well in Eurovision, and my all-time fave Eurovision winner is Ukraine’s 2016 entry. They have a long history of just dominating this competition. Kalush Orchestra is no different. It’s bombastic and moving at the same time. It's the kind of entry that elevates the competition in a way few do. I almost put this at the top, but…
1st: (2021) Italy. Maneskin “Zitti E Buoni”
Let me start off by saying that 2021 was an extraordinarily strong year. There were a ton of very, very good entries. The competition was stiff. And while I love a lot of Eurovision entries, few have made me want to look into the back catalog of the competitors. That has not been true of Maneskin, because going through their other albums, they are just a really good band. My Italian fluency begins and ends with fettuccine and linguine, but even across the language barrier, the music is very good. A lot of you probably only know them from their cover of “Beggin,” but even if you can barely pronounce “grazie,” I highly recommend looking them up.
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*I really can’t stand this year’s entry by The Netherlands and it is currently favored to win. Godhelpme