I WISH I COULD QUIT ...
I’m trying to post more but two days ago my laptop auto-updated, which I try NEVER to allow, because it is 11 years old and will NOT really process the updates. But every time it tries (and it was doing so for 4 hours) it then — when it will let me back on — kicks me off -line every five minutes or so, and then I have to shut it down and restart to get back on line and so I end up with that feeling in my chest and stomach and brain that I am going to explode because why the fuck am I plagued by this shit.
And, too, today I am supposed to be petsitting but that got canceled because Florida weather, and in addition to that loss, I have also had to cancel any cleaning I was doing this month because the doctor hasn’t cleared me for whatever it is this heart ot lung or brain thing going on.
And after two nights of sleeping for 6 hours for the first time since December when I got COVID and was unable to see FUNNY GIRL or enjoy Christmas, again, last night, less than two hours.
In 5 days I turn 62. Older than my father was when he died. Older than my sister was when she died. Twice as old as the only man I ever loved was when he died. And I am wishing things were different.
And I’m posting this before I get kicked off again (3 times while trying to get this done.)