The break is over
It might seem a bit odd, but for most of July I’ve been on a break. As much as I’ve been writing about plans and how things are going there hasn’t been much actually happening yet. I’ve been emailing and setting different pieces of work up, but I’ve not been implementing anything yet because July was a slow month. Deliberately.
In fact, most of July I more or less took off, working a bit on art and business things, but hardly working full time, and hardly pushing myself. I have a tendency to go all in fast, and deliberately taking some time away is necessary or I become exhausted. In July I ignored some emails, took some things slower, waited a bit more than usual and also didn’t pressure myself to find work or income.
But, to some extent, that changes this week. The holiday is over and it’s time to stretch out, crack the knuckles and buckle down and be an artist and a small business owner.
Before diving into all the action and activity, I wanted to reflect a bit on having some time off. Even though I was still doing work via email, there were many days where I was out of reception and, effectively, prevented from working. I found these days really, really relaxing and found myself grateful for the forced quiet. I found myself feeling more grounded and less frantic, and noticed that when I’m calmer particular stress points don’t cause me to spiral as quickly as they may if I was at my most frenetic.
I have a tendency to feel overwhelmed fast - when the to do list is piling up and there’s so much to do and very few things getting finished I feel stressed and anxious that everything will fall apart. In my most recent job this was particularly try, my old boss was just a bit more comfortable with open loops and would continually change directions, change the goal posts, ask for re-workings and force me up against deadlines. I remember editing presentations 10 minutes before a 100+ audience would hear them. Things like that really make me feel so overwhelmed.
But it’s not just other people, or dodgy management, that can result in that feeling. It’s me as well. I like to bite off more than I can chew, I enjoy the pace of a busy life (to the same extent that I enjoy quiet periods) and I have no issue over-filling my time, even though doing so bites me in the ass. So, July was time off. Yes I was somewhat productive, but the break was good for me, it helped me chill out, it helped me de-stress and it helped me think more clearly about what’s next and how to get there.
When I made the decision to try 6 months without work there were some times where I’d be almost panicking wondering if I’d end up broke or totally unhappy with my choice, spending time away has helped me feel more excited, see what’s possible and approach the next 5 months with more cautious optimism than anything else.
Underlying all this is probably two things:
Compared to some people, I am bad with stress. I think some people do well with pressure - it encourages them to focus, work hard, produce their best. For me it’s the opposite, I get sloppy, I rush things, I become irritable. That’s not surprising in some ways, but it’s important to own - in moving away from a strict day job there’s an opportunity to find more ways to be productive and make a living while reducing stress and the times I feel drawn in a million directions and failing.
At times I feel the need to justify rest or doing nothing. I know these are inherently valuable things, but something inside of me always feels that I need to qualify why a day on the couch is actually a worthy decision, or a half-assed day is actually ok. I don’t know exactly why I feel that way, or why I’ve spend this newsletter trying to articulate why some rest was important (and I can’t imagine anyone who reads this would object to that sentiment), but here we are. Often how I think about why I do something is oppositional - I’ve heard so much about efficiency and productivity I start doing something different in opposition to that, but of course most people understand there is a need for busy-ness and a need for rest.
So that’s July - a quieter month where I’m coming out feeling more grounded and calm, with some good things on the horizon and my head more level than it was. I’m looking forward to a hectic August (but less hectic than my old day jobs) and I’m looking forward to enjoying more free time.
This week I’ll be focusing on some paid work, and I’ll report back on that. Next week I’ll be in NZ again at a book fair. Lots to share with you all.
In the mean time:
a) Please browse our new book: https://www.tallpoppypress.xyz/product-page/big-bug
b) If you’re in Melbourne you are warmly invited to the book launch of Jake Nemirovsky’s Big Bug at Hillvale Gallery at 1pm on August 3rd.
Also: if you’re in Melbourne and know of any space I could host a workshop for a not-too-expensive fee (really I just need a classroom) please hit me up, just trying to suss out spaces I can use for educational work :)