Normal-ish
Hurricane Helene messed with a lot of heads here; kind of a group/communal PTSD. I’m not the only one who feels that way; at least two friends (who I don’t think even know each other) said that to me, and both times it made perfect sense.
Though I normally tend to sleep deeply, I hadn’t slept well for several nights since Helene. Others have had the same experience. About three nights ago, I recognized (even though I wasn’t really awake) that I was thrashing around pretty much all night. Another night - either before or after that night - I was physically quite still, but my brain was going wild presenting different thoughts and images. Except for a circuit board (duh, my keyring fob, which just broke, was a small rectangular board from the scrap bin at Mountain Electronics), I don’t remember what the other images or thoughts were, but they kept me unasleep. I think I just coined that word.
Until Thursday, I’d as usual been floating around, letting whatever is in front of me take my attention away from whatever I was paying attention to before. I think that’s how it’s been since the brain-crack. And then a weird thing happened to me Thursday night.
I was asleep, and sort-of woke up - suddenly, but with no jarring sensation, just opened my eyes. And they saw nothing but blackness. My first thought was that I was blind, because there’s always light leaking in through my un-shaded windows. But I was on my side, facing away from the doors and windows. I rolled over and was glad (for once) to see the lights glaring from the neighbors’ insecurity light, the unnecessary street light, the town maintenance shed on the other side of the valley between me and uptown.
Realizing that I was fully awake, I figured I may as well take advantage of it. I thought it was probably 5:30 am or so. I got up, put on pajamas, saw that it was only 1:30, and then I cleaned the bathroom. Most of you know housekeeping is not my strong suit. But I did it, and went back to bed.
And here’s the kicker: when I woke up again about 8:30, I felt - and still feel, more than 15 hours later - as if I am in pre-brain-crack mode. It doesn’t make sense, but these days, so many things don’t. I’m accepting it for what it is, what it seems to be: a reprieve. A gift. I got a lot of things done today, including traditionally mundane things I’ve recently struggled with. I finally, FINALLY, went for a walk; granted, it was a walk with a purpose (doctor appointment uptown), but for the first time in over a year, I walked instead of getting into the car. And I purposely left my phone at home. The thought had come to me that I likely need to spend less time using electronics. And so what if someone calls me and I don’t answer?
On that happy little note I will end this tiny Buttondown letter and read until I fall asleep.
Cheers,
Lucy